At the start of 2013 I posted my goals for the year in my old blog. Making my personal and private goals public (to those who bother to read the blog) makes me feel some accountability. Lately I've felt like I needed more accountability in various areas of my life. Sooo...why not post an update since we're officially halfway through 2013 on how my goals are going! Yeah it's basically July people...
1. Spend time in God's word daily. -- I'm working on this one. I can't settle in to a reading plan. I often find myself praying out of Psalms and Proverbs daily but I'm missing out on the history of the Old Testament and Jesus' teachings in the New Testament. If anyone has suggestions hit me up.
2. Keep a prayer journal. -- Unsuccessful to put it kindly. I feel awkward writing it all down but I know I miss out on giving praises because I don't. Need some work.
3. Be a good steward of all that God has given me. -- Depends on the day. I should probably make this more specific....SMART goals anyone?
4. Don't work too much. -- FAIL
5. Don't sweat the small stuff. -- FAIL
6. Look on the bright side. -- Depends on the day and how much coffee I've had.
7. Be thankful regardless of the situation. -- So much better than it has been but still a long ways to go.
8. Don't post my entire life on Facebook. (HA!) -- Um... FAIL. You're reading this blog right?
9. Don't buy myself coffee (from Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts) just because I can. It tastes better as a treat. :) -- CHAMPION! I switched to McDonald's lol!!
10. Visit my family more often. -- Doing pretty good.
11. Give hugs. -- As touchy feely as I really am I don't hug people as much as I would like to. I'm trying to not be offensive or clingy, but I'm trying to not care about that and be affectionate regardless. You can not hug back...it's fine.
12. Be witty and joke but never to the point of cruelty. -- We're getting there.
13. Tell people I love them if it's the truth regardless of the consequences or whether it is reciprocated. -- This is a hard one. Requires some vulnerability which we all know is such a strong suit of mine (sarcasam). It could be better could be worse.
14. Do a better job of saying, "I'm sorry, will you please forgive me?" and "Yes I love and forgive you." when the situation is appropriate. -- Much better than in the past.
15. Smile and laugh more often. -- Reference #4-5 but there have been some good spots. :-)
16. Appreciate the people and possessions that I have and don't chase after the ones that I don't. -- Always room for improvement but we're bumping along.
17. Be a friend that people want to have. -- Some days are better than others.
18. Be someone's best friend. -- Haha... well...I'm trying. See #17
19. Be the wife that Mike deserves. -- See #17-18
20. Work to feel good in a pair of skinny jeans. -- I purchased a pair of skinny jeans...I think it's questionable how good I look in them but it was a huge feat to just get me to buy them haha.
21. Run my first 1/2 marathon. -- Done twice.
22. Train and run a full marathon in the fall. -- Well...I signed up for one in Savannah in November. I was so disgusted with my times in the other 2 races that I dropped out of the full marathon and back into the 1/2 marathon to work on improving my time. We will see. I'm planning to run the Disney Marathon in January 2014.
23. Waste less time and resources. -- See #17 lol. I don't think I'm wasteful but I'm the queen of procrastinating and that's something that def needs tightening up as this year winds down.
24. Be more sentimental and practical than superficial and extravagant. -- Also working on this. I've not sent as many cards or sweet messages to people as I used to. I think I just haven't had my head or my heart in the game this year but I have 6 more months to redeem myself.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
If at first you don't succeed...tri..tri..again
If you follow or read any of my social media then you know the past year has been a time of transformation of some sorts. I have never been a "little girl." I'll never forget during my first year of teaching, one of my students from the sticks referred to me as being "corn fed." All you ag people out there understand the difference between grain fed beef and grass fed beef. I’m not opening an argument of which one tastes better…just saying. I have always struggled with my body image and particularly my weight / size. At some point during my graduate career I was able to finally level off and settle into a size that I felt looked good but maybe wasn't as small as I would like. Let me rephrase...I may have been small enough but definitely was not concerned with how soft I was. When I started my job at the Bureau people teased me constantly, "Wait until you put on the FB 15 (pounds)." (Think college freshmen 15). One of girlfriends was quick to say try the FB 60. I swore then and there that I would have no part of a FB 15 or FB 60. But as the weeks wore on and meeting after meeting there was nothing but country cooking or fancy meals and soft cushy chairs or long truck rides I began to notice a difference in how my clothes fit and not in a good way. I decided I needed to do something and quick.
About 5 years ago Mike and I were at the State Farmers Market picking up some fresh veggies and I noticed all of these women milling around me with race bibs and bright pink shirts, shorts, shoes, costumes, etc. They had just finished the Race for the Cure...one of the largest attended 5K runs in the triangle area that is a charity run for breast cancer research. I had never put much thought into running...honestly I never thought I could run but something about all these ladies training and running for a purpose got my brain to turning.
It took me several years and some tight jeans to stir my memories of those 5K finishers one night as I desperately started looking for a gym, personal trainer, something to help me battle the bulge. My mom had been recently diagnosed with Type II diabetes and I knew that the risk for me was now a reality. I needed a long term action plan. I googled and found a local running coach who had great reviews for helping new runners. I wasn't a new runner at that point...more like remedial. I e-mailed her sort of hoping that she would accidentally not get my e-mail but low and behold she e-mailed me the next day, excited to meet with me the following week. We met on a cold March morning in 2012. They had called for sleet and ice first thing and I was desperately hoping she would cancel and reschedule. No..no...I met her at the Neuse River Trail at 6:30am bundled in cotton and fleece...terrible attire to run in but I didn't know that at the time. Other things I didn't know...how weak I was and maybe most importantly how to eat properly before running. I was fine for the first mile running and walking at intervals but about halfway through our second mile I realized I had some serious ish. The bottom of my gut was about to drop out. The Neuse River Trail is pretty but without any bathroom facilities. It also borders several expensive neighborhoods in the Wakefield area of Raleigh. There was a black canvas wall blocking out a tree protection area off the trail a little ways. I hurdled myself over the canvas and yes I straight did my business in the wooded area behind someone's multi-million dollar home. I joke with my friends that I'm sure someone had a glare on their security camera from my white rear-end shining. I'm also sure the other people on the trail were impressed with how totally obvious I was. Needless to say it was a very humbling moment in my life. On the way back over the canvas wall following my moment...I caught my yoga pants on a spike. It didn't tear my pants but it tore my thigh. Karma much?
I left that day thinking I would never see my running coach again or really wanting to run. For someone who is as competitive and afraid of failure as I am...that morning was a total disaster, cluster, trainwreck, hot mess, etc, etc. I ran on and off a little...ALONE....throughout the rest of March and in to April. I ended up running (mostly walking) in an Autism Awareness 5K in my hometown at the end of April. While I do hate failure and rejection, etc... I'm not a quitter. I looked up the race results after the 5K and was seriously displeased with my time. I don't know what I expected...I hadn't really trained...but it did light the fire back under me to start working again. I contacted my running coach and we've been working together ever since. We don't necessarily meet up very often but we talk at least once a week.
I trained through last summer and fall and ran my first half marathon in February. I cannot tell you the joy I felt crossing that finish line!! I was also shocked and humbled at how many people supported my training despite the fact that they may not like to run themselves. My time for the race wasn't close to what I had hoped and I often feel discouraged when I see how my other friends have progressed so quickly with their training and their race times but I'm trying to keep in mind that my ultimate goal was to be healthy and have fun...not to be some elite athlete. I would like to work my way up to having better race times and more strength but these things take time and discipline. I'm pretty sure God is trying to teach me some patience and perseverance.
Next Sunday is my first triathlon. The change in my training and mandatory strength training have been a good change of pace from simply running but I'm not expecting to break any records or even finish midway in the pack. I'm just going for a finish... until the next one. If I can get out there and pretend to be somewhat athletic I’m pretty sure anyone that has any gumption or desire whatsoever to do something physical can get out there and get it done. One of my running buddies says, “Don’t worry about how slow or dumb you look, you’re lapping everybody on the couch.”
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
A Fable if you will....
This morning I was on a short run at the greenway and I remembered a great story that I feel the need to share. In the shower I came up with a whiz bang moral to the story...Let's try and see where it all goes. I should tell you that if you don't like gross things or cannot handle some sketchy language then this blog post is not for you.
I have a weekly bike date with my boo. It's like we're two 12 year old girls again and we meet up to ride our bicycles once a week except we're not 12... We're competitive 28 year olds training for a triathalon. That's what happens when you grow up girls...j/k...and I digress. We have been going for our weekly rides at the Neuse River trail, which is a fairly scenic route. At the end of the first mile are 2 pedestrian bridges across small creeks. One afternoon as we rode across the second bridge we both noticed this huge, gross, fresh pile of...yep...poop. Instead of turning away and moving on we are both staring at this pile of crap speculating on where it came from, how long it had been there, and how long it would take for someone to run through it...how we would hate to run through it, etc. I was completely lost in pondering this issue when a distinct clanking sound broke into my thoughts. I looked over to realize that my boo had lost her balance while we were awkwardly staring and was bumping along the rail on the side of the bridge. She eventually slid off the bridge, down the side, and somehow successfully managed to not completely fall off or turn over her bike. She's talented. Watching this all happen was pretty nightmareish. Most people probably would have laughed but I couldn't stop thinking how she was going to rocket over the side of the bridge onto the rocks below or slam the pavement and skid. It was scary and I couldn't do anything but watch.
This story has a happy ending. My boo didn't get hurt and we went on to have a glorious stress-free bike ride with a pretty fabulous time (remember triathalon) and we're going back tonight. Now, here's the literal and figurative moral to my story: Don't waste your time focusing on shit (literally or figuratively speaking) or wondering who caused it or where it came from...it can cause you to get off balance, lose perspective, and potentially get hurt. Fact of the matter is that "it happens" and we may have to ride by it or through it at some point so keep good company that can support you if you fall and who make your ride enjoyable.
The end.
I have a weekly bike date with my boo. It's like we're two 12 year old girls again and we meet up to ride our bicycles once a week except we're not 12... We're competitive 28 year olds training for a triathalon. That's what happens when you grow up girls...j/k...and I digress. We have been going for our weekly rides at the Neuse River trail, which is a fairly scenic route. At the end of the first mile are 2 pedestrian bridges across small creeks. One afternoon as we rode across the second bridge we both noticed this huge, gross, fresh pile of...yep...poop. Instead of turning away and moving on we are both staring at this pile of crap speculating on where it came from, how long it had been there, and how long it would take for someone to run through it...how we would hate to run through it, etc. I was completely lost in pondering this issue when a distinct clanking sound broke into my thoughts. I looked over to realize that my boo had lost her balance while we were awkwardly staring and was bumping along the rail on the side of the bridge. She eventually slid off the bridge, down the side, and somehow successfully managed to not completely fall off or turn over her bike. She's talented. Watching this all happen was pretty nightmareish. Most people probably would have laughed but I couldn't stop thinking how she was going to rocket over the side of the bridge onto the rocks below or slam the pavement and skid. It was scary and I couldn't do anything but watch.
This story has a happy ending. My boo didn't get hurt and we went on to have a glorious stress-free bike ride with a pretty fabulous time (remember triathalon) and we're going back tonight. Now, here's the literal and figurative moral to my story: Don't waste your time focusing on shit (literally or figuratively speaking) or wondering who caused it or where it came from...it can cause you to get off balance, lose perspective, and potentially get hurt. Fact of the matter is that "it happens" and we may have to ride by it or through it at some point so keep good company that can support you if you fall and who make your ride enjoyable.
The end.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
...honor agricultural opportunites and responsibilities...
"To practice brotherhood, honor agricultural opportunities and responsibilities, and develop those qualities of leadership that an FFA member should possess." The member's part of FFA Opening Ceremonies. My ag teacher made us write it out on every single test we took in his class. As a high school freshmen I thought it was a rather strange test question, but now these words are forever burned into my memory and I usually still stand during an FFA event and recite them along with the rest of the blue and gold mafia.
If you were to ask people that belong to the FFA cult which month they would consider to be "FFA month" you'd probably get a variety of responses. Some would say February because that's when National FFA week takes place. Others would probably throw out October with the National FFA Convention. For Lendy, FFA month will forever be June. Our State FFA Convention always takes place around the 3rd week of June and many of the most anxious and exciting moments of my young adult life occured leading up to and during those 3 days of convention. I was talking to one of my dearests the other day about our FFA Convention and I lapsed into talking about all the things that happened there and reminising about the past. My freshmen year of high school I delivered a 2 minute speech on the main convention stage as to why FFA was important. At that point I had no idea I had a talent or desire to do any public speaking. My senior year of high school I delivered a speech on the convention stage as 1 of 3 finalists in the state prepared public speaking contest. Every year I was in high school I participated on a state winning competitive team that was honored during the convention. I met multiple State FFA Officers and discovered I had a passion to serve as one. I was elected to serve as the State FFA President in 2003-2004. I presided over the 2004 convention and was recognized as the National FFA Officer candidate. Ended an engagement to a good guy that just wasn't the one. Opened the 2005 convention with prayer and introduced one of my oldest friends before her retiring State FFA Officer address. Mike and I went on our first lunch date during State FFA Convention in 2006. Everything really came full circle as I stood on stage with one of my students after she won 3rd place in the prepared public speaking contest in 2008.
Maybe the best part of State FFA Convention is how it always feels like a family reunion. Some of my oldest and dearest friends are FFA groupies. Visiting with old friends, the way my students or Mike's students hug me after they feel like they accomplished something...Convention is also about love.
Now that I've hung up my jacket and moved on from ag ed life June has turned into a month of mixed emotions. Something that was such a large part of my life for so long is still there but it will never be the same. The experiences that I had during FFA convention have been defining moments in who I am today, and as I remember back over all of these events I wonder if I have lived up to all of the hype. Have I lived up to the potential, training, and expectations for my future that were developed through my FFA experiences? Sometimes...especially around this time of the year...I feel that the answer is no. I also look back at some of the relationships that I had built through FFA experiences...important relationships... and how they have become lost in the wash of life. I realize that people come in and out for a reason, but these are situations where I feel like I was the one who dropped the ball especially with members of my State FFA Officer team.
In adult life there is no main stage or benchmarks or medals to attain so for someone who is driven by results and likes affirmation... it's easy to get disllusioned in the day to day grind. Em made a fabulous point... The achievements were not necessarily a big deal at the time because failure or anything less than the best just wasn't offered as an option. I'm just being reminded how important it is to celebrate the little things. As a teacher... I began to realize more so than at any other time of my life...that success is relative. Success isn't always about winning or being the best. It's about love, fun, personal growth... among other things.
As I sit down and write all of this out... I'm also reminded that all of our experiences are part of a divine journey that God is taking us on to bring us closer to who He wants us to become. I may feel insignificant or like a failure but if I am walking in His will there should be no greater joy or feeling of accomplishment. One of my college professors told us a story about how much he loved chalk as a child and that he never lost that love. He also worked at a garden center loading mulch but he loved to talk to customers about their gardens and how to improve them. He said he realized 20 years later that his love for chalk and the experiences talking to people about their gardens was a hunch that he was meant to be a horticulture teacher. (The story was much more involved but you get the point.) I believe God gives us those hunches. Driving all across the state visiting FFA chapters and speaking with people about agriculture as a State FFA Officer has prepared me to drive around in my white pick up truck to continue the spread of that message. Regardless of my feelings, I wouldn't trade what I have now or the people I have in my life for anything else. I'm being groomed for something bigger than money or prestige and I just need to learn to trust and stay humble.
If you were to ask people that belong to the FFA cult which month they would consider to be "FFA month" you'd probably get a variety of responses. Some would say February because that's when National FFA week takes place. Others would probably throw out October with the National FFA Convention. For Lendy, FFA month will forever be June. Our State FFA Convention always takes place around the 3rd week of June and many of the most anxious and exciting moments of my young adult life occured leading up to and during those 3 days of convention. I was talking to one of my dearests the other day about our FFA Convention and I lapsed into talking about all the things that happened there and reminising about the past. My freshmen year of high school I delivered a 2 minute speech on the main convention stage as to why FFA was important. At that point I had no idea I had a talent or desire to do any public speaking. My senior year of high school I delivered a speech on the convention stage as 1 of 3 finalists in the state prepared public speaking contest. Every year I was in high school I participated on a state winning competitive team that was honored during the convention. I met multiple State FFA Officers and discovered I had a passion to serve as one. I was elected to serve as the State FFA President in 2003-2004. I presided over the 2004 convention and was recognized as the National FFA Officer candidate. Ended an engagement to a good guy that just wasn't the one. Opened the 2005 convention with prayer and introduced one of my oldest friends before her retiring State FFA Officer address. Mike and I went on our first lunch date during State FFA Convention in 2006. Everything really came full circle as I stood on stage with one of my students after she won 3rd place in the prepared public speaking contest in 2008.
Maybe the best part of State FFA Convention is how it always feels like a family reunion. Some of my oldest and dearest friends are FFA groupies. Visiting with old friends, the way my students or Mike's students hug me after they feel like they accomplished something...Convention is also about love.
Now that I've hung up my jacket and moved on from ag ed life June has turned into a month of mixed emotions. Something that was such a large part of my life for so long is still there but it will never be the same. The experiences that I had during FFA convention have been defining moments in who I am today, and as I remember back over all of these events I wonder if I have lived up to all of the hype. Have I lived up to the potential, training, and expectations for my future that were developed through my FFA experiences? Sometimes...especially around this time of the year...I feel that the answer is no. I also look back at some of the relationships that I had built through FFA experiences...important relationships... and how they have become lost in the wash of life. I realize that people come in and out for a reason, but these are situations where I feel like I was the one who dropped the ball especially with members of my State FFA Officer team.
In adult life there is no main stage or benchmarks or medals to attain so for someone who is driven by results and likes affirmation... it's easy to get disllusioned in the day to day grind. Em made a fabulous point... The achievements were not necessarily a big deal at the time because failure or anything less than the best just wasn't offered as an option. I'm just being reminded how important it is to celebrate the little things. As a teacher... I began to realize more so than at any other time of my life...that success is relative. Success isn't always about winning or being the best. It's about love, fun, personal growth... among other things.
As I sit down and write all of this out... I'm also reminded that all of our experiences are part of a divine journey that God is taking us on to bring us closer to who He wants us to become. I may feel insignificant or like a failure but if I am walking in His will there should be no greater joy or feeling of accomplishment. One of my college professors told us a story about how much he loved chalk as a child and that he never lost that love. He also worked at a garden center loading mulch but he loved to talk to customers about their gardens and how to improve them. He said he realized 20 years later that his love for chalk and the experiences talking to people about their gardens was a hunch that he was meant to be a horticulture teacher. (The story was much more involved but you get the point.) I believe God gives us those hunches. Driving all across the state visiting FFA chapters and speaking with people about agriculture as a State FFA Officer has prepared me to drive around in my white pick up truck to continue the spread of that message. Regardless of my feelings, I wouldn't trade what I have now or the people I have in my life for anything else. I'm being groomed for something bigger than money or prestige and I just need to learn to trust and stay humble.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday Mourning
Every morning I get up, fix me a cup of coffee, and read through my twitter feed and Facebook... just to be sure that no one has gotten married, had a baby, or moved to Tokyo overnight. The Monday morning newsfeed is always the same story... everyone is in Monday mourning. The weekend has come to an end and regardless of how productive you were or how hard you played, it's now time to face the music and head back into the weekly grind. It's fairly humorous to me how people deal with Monday mourning. Most people complain but some folks get creative. My queenie has come up with her own set of the days of the week to help move the week through to Friday and she celebrates them accordingly. I can't help but think about those folks that have to work all weekend, or worse...all weekend in retail. You have to admit that some of those people have the patience of Job to deal with some of us high maintenance fools. If I had a dollar for every time I slapped a rude customer in my mind on behalf of a poor clerk I'd be able to buy some shoes. What about stay at home moms? They never get a day off from anything. I realize those individuals chose (or had no choice) to work in those occupations that may have weekend hours but if that were me I would probably block all of my fabulous friends that get Saturday and Sunday off when they started up the wailing and gnashing that is Monday mourning.
Monday mourning isn't restricted to occurring only on Monday. It's much more complex than that. For example, Tuesday after everyone has had Monday off for a holiday. Tuesdays pretending to be Mondays are. the. worst. I would suggest that Monday mourning is a concept that can span to any day of the week where there is too much to do, too many fires to put out, things not going smoothly, there is frustration with the people you work with or are around, and all you want to do is go back to the house and wash your hands of everything for awhile.
With the exception of a few bright spots, I feel like I've had Monday mourning at least once a day, almost everyday for the past few months. I'm wondering if this is normal. I've been trying to pull my big girl panties up and get back to being a perky, productive member of society (as quickly as is possible after the weekend) but I feel like my elastic is wore out and I have zero motivation to go purchase a new pair...or do anything else these days... especially dealing with the stress that goes on around me. A few weeks back I started using a word I hate to use... depression. Depression is a serious word and people that are clinically depressed deserve all the love and support that we can afford to give them. I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed... maybe just in need of an extended weekend...aka some fresh perspective. I have nothing to be sad over...I have a wonderful husband, loving family, amazing friends, fun social life, flexible job, comfortable standard of living, etc., etc. I let very temporal and immediate circumstances bleed over and cover very permanent blessings in my life and suck their joy away. That is the essence behind Monday mourning.
The good news is that Monday mourning and any other less that pleasant season in our lives shall pass sooner than we realize. While Monday does signify the end of needed respite for many of us...it's also a fresh start. Lots of people start making healthier lifestyle decisions on Monday...although that may not seem like the best thing since that usually means a diet! Friday will roll around soon enough signifying either a celebration of work well done or much deserved rest after just surviving the chaos of the week.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
If this is the beginning...Lawd
I'm not sold on the title of this blog so if you have suggestions I'm curious...Most people know that I'm a Field Representative... Field Lady...Field Girl...Never a Field Woman..for an agricultural commodity organization in NC. Let me mention that this is MY blog and these thoughts are MINE and not necessarily the offspring of any given thing. Moving on...I spend roughly 4-6 hours of my work day sitting behind the wheel of my Chevy Silverado visiting offices or farmers in my territory aka district. I often think of my district like The Hunger Games districts but that's a story for later. Anyway, no single day is ever the same but I am always in my truck which affords me lots of time to stare out the windshield, tap on the dashboard, think, talk on the phone, perfect my singing crescendos, oh and maybe drive. Hence "The Dashboard Diaries."
I've felt the urge for some time now to get back in to writing and blogging. I can't write in a paper journal to save my life. I remember as a very young child I begged my mama for this cheap lock and key diary. I carried it around like it was my most prized possession and when my brother John stole it and opened it only to make fun of me for it being empty...boy I was pissed....I mean mad. It was still MY DIARY. Various paper journals and randomness later I still can't settle in to writing down my feelings and when I read back over whatever I write it doesn't have the life that I think so many of my experiences deserve. Several years ago I went against my better judgement and began to chronicle my life as a graduate assistant and accompanying adventures with my friends on a blog. Up until that point, I must admit I thought blogs were for self help, sharing recipies, or for people that lead very interesting, exciting lives i.e. not me. I found that my blog allowed me to capture entertaining, fun, sad, deep, crazy, philosphical thoughts about God, my life, my family, friends, and anything else. It allowed me to share things about myself that I wouldn't otherwise verbalize because let's be real...I suck at verbalizing sometimes. It got to the point where I didn't care if other people read it and now I want that back.
About a month ago I was sitting alone in my office brooding and decided to read through my old blog "Seasons of Love." I hate it when I'm brooding because I make stupid decisions.... Like impulse shopping but worse. I say things I haven't thought through, throw away things, eat bad food, get tattoed, chop my hair off, etc.... Later I feel ignorant and I try to make it right. Well I downloaded the posts from my old blog and deactived it. 3 years of chronicling the ups and downs of my graduate school shenanigans and some very personal life events were put to bed. When it got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore and I decided I wanted to blog again I really just wanted to pick up where the old blog left off but sadly there isn't an option for that or I'm too technologically illiterate to know how to revive it. Maybe it's for the best... bringing some of those posts back would be like raising the dead. Some of the old posts from "Seasons of Love" may get reposted just for kicks and giggles but a new blog could be much more fun and creative...like constructing a Frankenstein. Why am I referencing horror-type things like raising the dead and Frankenstein in reference to my blog? No I'm not obsessed with darkness...although I have been called dark and twisty. Frankly most of my writing is fairly scary... Especially if you start looking closely at the grammar. :)
I've felt the urge for some time now to get back in to writing and blogging. I can't write in a paper journal to save my life. I remember as a very young child I begged my mama for this cheap lock and key diary. I carried it around like it was my most prized possession and when my brother John stole it and opened it only to make fun of me for it being empty...boy I was pissed....I mean mad. It was still MY DIARY. Various paper journals and randomness later I still can't settle in to writing down my feelings and when I read back over whatever I write it doesn't have the life that I think so many of my experiences deserve. Several years ago I went against my better judgement and began to chronicle my life as a graduate assistant and accompanying adventures with my friends on a blog. Up until that point, I must admit I thought blogs were for self help, sharing recipies, or for people that lead very interesting, exciting lives i.e. not me. I found that my blog allowed me to capture entertaining, fun, sad, deep, crazy, philosphical thoughts about God, my life, my family, friends, and anything else. It allowed me to share things about myself that I wouldn't otherwise verbalize because let's be real...I suck at verbalizing sometimes. It got to the point where I didn't care if other people read it and now I want that back.
About a month ago I was sitting alone in my office brooding and decided to read through my old blog "Seasons of Love." I hate it when I'm brooding because I make stupid decisions.... Like impulse shopping but worse. I say things I haven't thought through, throw away things, eat bad food, get tattoed, chop my hair off, etc.... Later I feel ignorant and I try to make it right. Well I downloaded the posts from my old blog and deactived it. 3 years of chronicling the ups and downs of my graduate school shenanigans and some very personal life events were put to bed. When it got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore and I decided I wanted to blog again I really just wanted to pick up where the old blog left off but sadly there isn't an option for that or I'm too technologically illiterate to know how to revive it. Maybe it's for the best... bringing some of those posts back would be like raising the dead. Some of the old posts from "Seasons of Love" may get reposted just for kicks and giggles but a new blog could be much more fun and creative...like constructing a Frankenstein. Why am I referencing horror-type things like raising the dead and Frankenstein in reference to my blog? No I'm not obsessed with darkness...although I have been called dark and twisty. Frankly most of my writing is fairly scary... Especially if you start looking closely at the grammar. :)
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