Poser Blog: If I could turn back time....

This morning I read an intriguing blog by one of my friends about what she would do differently if she could turn back time.  She mentioned the danger of looking back into the past... and rightfully so.  I've always been taught, "If we are constantly looking back at closed doors, how can we see the open ones that are ahead of us?" Yet and still there are lots of lessons that can be learned from past experiences to help move forward.

1.  If I could turn back time... I would visit my loved ones more often.  I know I'm not alone in wishing that I had spent more time with people that I loved that I can no longer be with.  I particularly think about my beloved grandparents and how I should have kept going home to see them instead of sleeping in on the weekend or staying in Raleigh because I had "better" things to do.  I'd appreciate the love and lessons learned from those that have either physically or emotionally distanced themselves from me.   

2.  If I could turn back time... I'd say what I mean and mean what I say.  Confession: I suck at being open about my feelings...particularly if they're awkward.  Awkward feelings could be anything ranging from hurt and anger to deep love and appreciation.  Oh yeah, I also suck at accepting compliments and / or criticism at times.  Rather than addressing an issue (some people would call this confrontation) I'm an avoider.  Rather than telling people how I feel about them I give gifts...tangible ones and sometimes sarcastic joking ones.  2 engagements and several close friendships... I've had more than one relationship end or grow cold because of my lack of verbalization and fear of vunerability.  Most people would say that those relationships needed to end or it was meant to be this way...which is both true and fine.  This is more of a reminder of something I'm trying to do better with in the future.

3.  If I could turn back time... I'd live in the present.  HA! Isn't this blog about reflecting on the past? Yes...yes it is and looking back I spent a lot of time hung up on the past or wishing that this phase of life would hurry up and move forward.  My teaching career clearly comes to mind.  While I was teaching it was a day to day survival game and I was constantly counting down days to first one break and then another.  Now I wish I could clearly picture the faces, and remember the hugs and jokes from some of the students I haven't kept up with.  Every day...every moment...good or bad is unique and serves a purpose...We're always moving forward, backward, or side to side toward who we are meant to become and what our greater purpose is.  How much better would those moments be if we spent them devoting our undivided attention to the here and now rather than wishing them away onto something else?  

4.  If I could turn back time... Well I would be more risky.  I would have taken some summer internships out of state and went on a few more wild trips like white water rafting or insect hunting or whatever.  

5.  If I could turn back time... I'd spend more time trying to look cute.  I'm with Kara on this one.  To this day I don't care to put on make-up or be super trendy but sometimes it's necessary and can be a good self esteem boost.  

6.  If I could turn back time... I would give 250% every day, all day, on everything.  There are so many things in my life that I completely half-assed and got away with...mainly in school.  I was satisfied with a low A or a B when if I had put in even an ounce of work I could have aced the paper or the project.  This little factoid has lead to some laziness and complacency on my part on more than one occassion.  My running and tri training are gradually teaching me some discipline and that constant work is necessary for any type of results / success.  

Ok so those are a few things I would change...What are some things I would keep the same?

1.  If I could turn back time... I'd keep my high school experiences the same.  I would still join the FFA, have the same set of friends, experience the same awkwardness...all of it.  They were tough yet fun times. 

2.  If I could turn back time... I would go to NC State and major in agrcultural education.  I'm not using my teaching license right now but many of the lessons learned and experiences had while going through undergrad taught me a lot about myself and set me on the path to where I am now and I'm sure where I will go in the future. 

3.  If I could turn back time... I would teach at Millbrook high school.  I grew up a lot in those 2.5 years and came to love a bunch of pretty special teenagers...who will always be teenagers to me. 

4.  If I could turn back time... I'd leave teaching and go back to grad school.  Teaching helped me to grow up but graduate school reminded me how important it is to have friends.  I didn't necessarily learn a whole lot from reading all of those research articles but my boo helped me discover my love affair with Jesus...my office wife taught me the value of tough love and loyalty... My office family taught me about how to be a part of a community.  It wasn't always pretty but I am so grateful for all of the relationships...individually and collectively...that came as a result of my big girl hiatus.     

5.  If I could turn back time... I would run for National FFA Office but I would not want the outcome to change.  The experience of going through the interview process was so incredible but I'm so glad I didn't get elected.  It would have potentially moved me out of the path of some other things that I have today that I'm so thankful for.

6.  If I could turn back time... I would still marry Michael Johnson.  Enough said...although I might would have eloped and went on an extended honeymoon hahahaha!