Guess what... I'm procrastinating. Procrastinating from writing mounds of thank you notes. I've already penned 20 and have at least 20 more to go...oh thank you notes. I've been putting off writing the thank you cards for the family and friends that brought food, made a memorial contribution, sent warm thoughts, visited, or prayed for us through Mikey's mama's illness and death. There isn't a how-to manual to help you prepare for the necessary etiquette that should take place when an immediate family member dies. I've never been much on etiquette anyway but I've learned that in the traditional backwood south if there is a wedding or a death then it's mostly up to the women to take care of writing the thank you's and taking care of the formalities. I've spent more than one night leading up to and during the week of Mrs. Johnson's death.... sitting at the the kitchen table crying because I feel like such a kid and that no one should have to face such a thing... especially my sweet sensitive husband. And I cried over how blessed we both are to have God given amazing friends and family to support us through something like this. So why can't I get the gumption to write these cards? I'm just not sure.
Approximately a week after we put Mike's mama to rest I was standing at the front of a church serving as a witness as a dear friend pledged her life to a great man in the presence of God and His church. We were all wearing our cowgirl boots...the most comfortable shoes I've ever had for a wedding. None of the dresses matched...no tuxes...nothing about the ceremony was excessive but everything was laced with divine love.
All these life events...coupled with multiple surprise pregnancy announcements... have made me want to stop and take inventory. Yesterday as we drove home from my office wife's wedding I had 8 long hours to reflect about pretty much everything. I thought about how often in the past 4-5 months I can only see how things are going wrong, how people have slighted me or someone I care about, how hurt I am over things that happened in the past, how people have changed and our relationship is no longer the same...and it hit me that there was a common theme... the word "I" and that my friends is a problem.
I've been taking a disciple class on Monday mornings with a group of women at church. I am the youngest lady in the class but you would never be able to tell by the way the other ladies act towards me. They are so inclusive and encouraging and being with them is such a blessing. We happen to be studying the Holy Spirit and one thing I've learned is that the Holy Spirit can not fill me up and use me if I am already full of myself. I can't be the wife, family member, and friend that I want to be and God intends me to be if all I can focus on is myself and my self righteousness. I used to think that I was selfless and that when bad things happened or people hurt my feelings I was strong enough to handle the pain and pressure and move forward. After multiple face plants, tears, blessings, and finally in big bold print at study hour I am learning that the strength to move forward and to truly love others is only through the power of the Spirit. As we study about being bold in our witness to others I have to say that the love, support, and kindness of the many people... especially my closest friends and family... and all others that I've visited with whether it was in the memorial line or in the wedding receiving line, have been a testimony to His divine love and and truly an inspiration for me to want to be better than I am.
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