My Thirteen Tantrum

Each year during the Christmas season I sit down and compose a "year in review" of sorts.  I try to get it done before the rush of the back to back holidays.  Sorry I'm flooding your facebook, blogger, twitter, e-mail, etc with back to back random rambles.  Settle in...this is a long one.

In "t"wo "t"housand and "t"en I used a "t" theme where I used "t" words to describe how the year went.  I thought it fitting since it's "t"wo "t"housand and "t"hirteen to recycle that little "t"rick.  Sadly I am not very creative or original so I stole a lot of the same "t" words and witty commentary from my old blog.  Oops...  I'll go ahead and recycle this little line while I'm at it... Before Christmas gets away from us and we move into a new year I would like to quote the butter queen, Paula Deen, and say, "From my house to yours lots of love and good dishes."

1. This has been a year for TRIPS and TRAVELLING particularly in my pickup TRUCK.  I TRADED my TRUCK last week for a smaller SUV.  The Great White was a faithful companion for all of 2013.  I spent a lot of time driving and riding hence the name of my blog...The Dashboard Diaries.  I successfully put 88,000 miles on the Great White before I turned her in.  I hope "Big Red" can keep me between the ditches in 2014.  In addition to driving around my 11 counties throughout the year, I also went to Florida, Virginia Beach, DC, Georgia, and Tennessee.  I went to Pennsylvania several times to celebrate with great friends on their nuptials.  :) I would be remiss if I left out the trips that I've made just around North Carolina and Virginia to visit good friends and family.  Wonderful memories and great times.  Strangely enough as much as I love to be on the go all of my TRAVELLING in the past few months have helped create a greater appreciation of coming home and being still.

2. TIARA.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a "princess" or a girly girl.  I like to wear make-up.  I own several cute black dresses and have been known to enjoy a pedicure on occasion.  BUT I also like to wear ripped jeans, boots, and t-shirts.  I have zero issue sweating because I surely don't 'glisten' and I can get my hands dirty too.  TIARA is in reference to a moment in my life where I actually felt 100% proud of myself...completing the 2013 Disney Princess Half Marathon in February.  I may have looked like a princess at the starting line in my cute skirt and bow but I looked like a warrior at the end drenched in sweat after 13.1 miles in high humidity.  Totally worth it and someday I hope to go back and do it again.

3.  TRAINING.  When I began running in Spring of 2012 I had no desire to complete a half marathon let alone would I ever have expected that I would enjoy it! Following the Disney Princess race I ran in 2 other half marathons -- the Run Raleigh Half in April and the Rock 'n Roll Savannah Half in November.  The Run Raleigh Half was tough.  I had not TRAINED like I should since it was right on the heels of the Disney race but I trudged it out and even managed to improve my time.  The Savannah race was a blast and I'm thinking I will likely run it again in 2014 if God is willing.  I could talk in depth about all of the fabulous emotions and cool people I met while doing these large races but the truth is they last a few hours and it's all over.  Meanwhile I logged hours upon hours of TRAINING...running and working out in the hot, cold, rain, and even ice.  TRAINING even when all I wanted to do was lay in bed an extra few minutes or I was "too sore" or had "too much to do." I would not TRADE that time or the miles that I put in for anything.  I have learned to become more disciplined in various areas of my life. TRAINING is usually when I have my most intimate conversations with the Lord and where I puzzle through heart issues and tangible challenges that I'm facing.  Throughout the late Spring / early Summer I didn't have any large races to prepare for and something really strange happened...

4.  TRIATHLON.  Of all things in the world, I had less than no desire to complete a TRIATHLON.   Think about that...less than no desire.  The local running store in Danville, VA where I purchase my running shoes is also a TRIATHLON store.  I sneered at the wet suits, goggles, and fins.  Bikes should have baskets on them with cute puppies.  These people who try to conquer three separate disciplines at once are crazy / have a serious death wish.  My darling Mama comes up with crazy rants and raves at times.  She decided once I began to run that she would never allow me to compete in anything crazy like a TRIATHLON.  Something about that conversation changed my mind about doing a TRI.  :) I began to swim (a little but now a lot) and bike (with my boo) once a week.  I also stepped up my strength training.  I fell in love with my TRI training even more than my long runs because it was challenging yet showed immediate results.  My run times improved and I lost several inches of cushion.  :) That being said, the parts that I treasure and hold dear out of my TRI training and the 2 TRIATHLONS I competed in this year were sharing those experiences with sweet friends.  I would not TRADE the conversations I had on the bike with my boo or being there when she placed 3rd overall in our age group for anything.  I may have been slow in the pack but I will never forget my first attempts at the beast known as TRIATHLON and sharing the feeling of getting it done with my boo, Heather, and even John.  :) I'm already looking forward to getting in gear for the 2014 season.        

If you read carefully through the first part of the blog you will see things that I wouldn't TRADE for anything in this world.  I would gladly trade all the "t" words in #5.  

5. TEARFUL-TAXING-TRYING-TUMULTUOUS.  Each year has its own set of TRYING circumstances. Lots of my volunteers across the district have struggled through foul farming weather, sickness, and death this year.  Some of my closest friends and members of my immediate family have gone through hell this year dealing with financial issues, doubts, fears, relationship problems, more sickness, and yes...death.  All of this has broken my heart in half.  Call it a blessing or a curse but when people that I care about hurt whether they like it or not... whether I visibly show it or not... I'm hurting right there too.  (Galatians 6:2)
I have felt the weight of sickness and death this year firsthand as Mikey has dealt with first his daddy struggling through cardiac issues,  and then his mother being diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks of metastasized ovarian cancer.  Now Granma will have triple bypass surgery on Christmas Eve.  I have a hip injury that is preventing me from TRAINING and cost me running in my first full marathon. September - December have sucked...yes I said it... sucked in the Johnson household with the exceptions of some good food and great company which make all the sucking bearable (see #6).  
On my knees, my heart is torn in two directions.  Part of me begs for Him to make it all stop.  Please stop all the hurting that the people I love are going through.  The other half says please give us the strength in You to bear what is before us.  Please God give me the strength to be an encouragement because right now I don't feel like I have the strength left to do anything but sit here and cry and writhe in my own ish and insecurities. Then I realize that this is the point where I'm my strongest... relying on His strength and not my own...and that everything unpleasant about 2013 is going to work out and everybody is going to be ok even if it takes some time.

6. TENDER. Not steak tender. There aren't many "t" words available that express love or are relationship oriented.  Throughout all the good and bad drama this year, there has been an outpouring of love and support from lots of different groups of people.  I won't mention them all specifically but I am so thankful for each of you.  I have a wonderful supportive family that I become more and more grateful for as each year passes.  We are crazy and sometimes dysfunctional but I wouldn't TRADE any of them....not even Mike.  :) Since August I've developed relationships with some amazing women at church through a bible study.  They have TAUGHT me a great deal about walking in relationship with Christ, about who I am, and what kind of person I want to be.  I desire to be a Barnabas to others.  :) 2013 afforded me the opportunity to grow further in relationship with some of my already dearest friends.  We shared in life changing events, held each other through trials and tears, and celebrated being young and dumb whenever possible.  They have opened my eyes to something I need to work on in 2014... TRUST.

7.  2013 has been a lot of THINGS but maybe the most important THING that has happened is I have developed a THIRST for the TRUTH daily.  I will spend the rest of my life searching and clinging to the TRUTH, and I am aware of how difficult that may be at times.  I'm TIRED of lying to myself about circumstances in my heart that I should have moved on from years ago and I desire to speak TRUTH into other people's lives just as I hope they will speak into mine.  I'm not talking about what we may feel or perceive to be TRUTH because feelings and perceptions are fleeting.  God's TRUTH is steady and permanent.

8.  A year of TESTIMONY. (This is word for word what I wrote in 2010 and it still applies today.)  Through all that has happened... good, bad, awesome, or ugly I have increasingly become aware of God's presence even in the smallest details of my life. Looking back I can see that when all I poured out was bitterness or disappointment in people, he surrounded me by others that were faithful and loving. When I went through difficult personal times, He gave me peace and an amazing support system to help get me through. Peace doesn't mean that the physical or emotional pain were absent, but He reminded me that He is in control and that He only wants to do what's best for me regardless of how hard it may be at the time. I've watched Him answer prayers regarding loved ones, guide people down paths they never imagined going down... God has used all of the events of this year to guide me closer to Him and I am so incredibly THANKFUL.

Thanks for everything in '13! I can't wait to see what's in store for us in '14! :)

"I'll be home for Christmas..."

Everybody knows everybody including you, your brother, Mama, and cousin twice removed.  If you had an epic fail in high school, count on it being relived 15 years later as if it happened yesterday.  When you walk into a store they know you by name and what you’re coming in for.  Others understand the fact that you’re supposed to be sweet and outgoing but when you take your shoes and earrings off it’s about to go down.  Brunswick stew is a meal by itself…and if you don’t want to piss off all the little old ladies (that you are related to) then you will buy quarts of stew from every fire department and church within a 20 mile radius.  It’s the Courthouse in the square, with bells that still ring on the hour.  It’s freshly plowed fields of red dirt.  In the summer, it’s the smell of tobacco curing in the field.  It’s a gentle breeze with the sounds of crickets at night.  It’s abandoned cotton mills and old train trestles.  It’s a small main street with buildings that haven’t been touched in years.  It’s the muddy Dan River gently curving along on its way from the mountains to the coast.  It’s cows grazing on the side of the hill.  It’s the smell of the wood stove burning on a cool night.  It’s the smell of grass after a hot day and how you can smell the rain coming hours before it arrives.  It’s home.

Something about Christmas time makes me long to go home aka Pelham… a fire department, post office, and 2 miles of road in rural northwestern Caswell County.  I've lived in or around Raleigh for the past 11 years, and in many ways it has become “home” but the beauty and comforts of rural Caswell County and southern Virginia hold a special place in my soul.  Christmas has always been a special time for me and that was initiated in my 17 years of life there.  We would spend days making cookies and homemade ornaments with my granma.  My parents used to prepare breakfast on Christmas Day for my entire immediate family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins) and all of the people that live on our street (also family haha).  It was stressful and busy but there was always lots of excitement (like the year my aunt spent the night and got drunk with “Santa”) and laughter.

This year for various reasons I have had a tough time getting in the swing of Christmas.  I have enjoyed my tree, purchased gifts…even took the time to wrap them.  I have planned out a fairly simple but what I expect to be tasty meal for Christmas Day, and have all my baking for the neighbors and other family functions lined up.  I’m going through the motions.  I’m not miserable but I’m not thrilled either, and that’s no way to close out this year.  So I packed up and went to Caswell County for a night seeking some respite and this is what I found.        

These pictures do not do the place justice.  For years, my family has traveled to this small piece of property at the end of the County to look at the Casville Christmas lights.  When we first started going there were very few people that came out but now it attracts visitors from all across the U.S. and there are hundreds of people that come out every night during the holiday season.  The lights are absolutely beautiful but there is an obvious message.  The family that does the lights was a local gospel quartet and they use the lights as a way to share the gospel of Christ with everyone that attends.  I noticed as I looked around that people coming through were not in a hurry.  There was no shouting, crying, or rude behavior.  As I've gotten older a lot of the “magic” of Christmas has faded but it has been replaced with an understanding of what this season is truly about and for that I am thankful.  This understanding has not dimmed my desire to seek out and be surrounded by the people that I love and do things (i.e. give gifts, prepare food, etc.) that express that love.  Rather it has given me a deeper appreciation for the blessings of grace, love and friendship which goes beyond the most expensive, greatest gift ever and yes…even Mama's gravy smothered over some juicy piece of meat.

Yesterday afternoon after I arrived home we received news that Mike’s grandmother had a pretty serious cardiac episode and has been put in the hospital with anticipated triple bypass surgery.  Granma is a spry 87 years old.  If I didn't know better I’d swear she was 60 and probably set to outlive all of us.  She has a love for life and is just as downright country as you can get.  She’s also my fave member of Mike’s immediate family.  She accepted me as her granddaughter from the moment Mike and I were wed without question.  After my own beloved granma died in 2009 she is my only granma left.  Today as I thought about her I decided there are basically 3 kinds of women in my life:  

1.) Girls that I have little desire to be around because they are things I don’t want to be.  Ask me about it sometime.  

2.) Women that I’m growing up with.  These are the chicks that I go to with stupid and / or serious questions.  We celebrate our life victories and deal with the failures.  We are basically raising each other and learning how to be big girls together so that we can become.......

3.) The women I (we) want to be like when I (we) grow up.

There are some overlaps between #2 and #3 and some people that fit best at #1.5.  If you question your number let’s talk about it.  Granma definitely falls into #3.  She tells me stories about the past…always with some kind of cool lesson and she makes the. best. collards, cornbread, and fried chicken you ever laid your lips on.  She fixes a plate of cornbread and a pot of coffee without fail every time I go to visit her.  Selfless and quick to laugh but will you tell you like it is in a minute.  In light of all that has happened with Mike’s family in the past 3 months this news was a serious blow to our already weak hearts. 

This evening as I sat in God’s word I realized that visiting the lights felt good but it didn't dissolve my anxieties.   Running home, however comfortable, is not going to solve my problems or make them go away.  I was reminded of Who I should be seeking to handle these things because I am obviously not doing so well on my own.  I was also reminded that my house whether in Pelham or Wake Forest, is just a location.  Sure, there are some great memories surrounding those places but what makes them so special and sentimental revolves around the people that are there.  I believe home is truthfully where your heart is.  For me that means it’s resting in the Lord and residing with the people I love.  So…whether in heaven, in Caswell County, Wake Forest, across NC, or the southeast I will be home for Christmas.         

My Favorite Christmas Tradition

As the Christmas season approaches, I'm sure everyone has at least one special tradition or event  that they look forward to whether it be attending Christmas Eve church service, reading Twas' the Night Before Christmas, eggnog chugging contests, or in my family's case a good old fashion bear hunt.  For me, my favorite Christmas pastime is the giving and receiving of Christmas cards.

I have mailed Christmas cards annually since I graduated from undergrad pushing 8 years ago.  Growing up we exchanged cards at church but I don't remember sending them out... I'm sure Mama did.  She now writes a "newsletter" that she puts in the cards to fill everyone in on our lives.  It's rather entertaining and very sweet... way to go Mom haha.  More than one of you may raise an eyebrow at this little nugget of information, but it's the truth... sending out cards is very special to me and so is receiving messages from loved ones.  Mikey and I have had a card arch leading into the kitchen every year for the past 7 years.

In a time where social media and the internet reign supreme I enjoy sending and receiving actual paper and pen messages.  I'm thankful for Facebook, Twitter, and e-mail messages because they do allow me to send well wishes quickly and easily at little to no cost.  I can keep up with what's going on in people's lives with the click of a button...celebrating with them in good and sending them thoughts and prayers during the not so good.  But it's something about taking the time to write (or print) cards, stuff envelopes, and spend the moolah to mail these cards that means something more.  Maybe it's just the simple fact that with time being such a precious commodity these days the people you send these messages of love, gratitude, encouragement, forgiveness, or celebration to are worth a hour or two or three of your busy schedule.  I think it's an excellent way to reach out to family and friends that you may not get to see very often and who are still a meaningful and important part of your life.  I think it's also a great way to share the true message of the season... the birth and love of Christ and how we are to love and cherish one another. During a very lonely time of year for many people, a card or a letter can be a simple reminder that they are not alone.      

Christmas time is one of my favorite times of the year and I must admit that there is more than one special tradition that I look forward to during this time but I think it's also important to not lose sight of the fact that the advent season is also a time of reflection and repentance leading up to the joy and celebration of what this season is truly about... the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ.  Truth be told that while I do love Christmas, Easter is actually my absolute favorite season...sorrowing in His death, but rejoicing in His resurrection, and consequently my rebirth in Him.

I hope that you and your families have a very, very blessed Christmas season! If you'd like a Christmas card.. send me your address.  I'd be happy to share some love.  <3    

The Name Game

Today the elastic in my big girl panties broke and I decided to go public with the fact it frustrates me to no end when people do not take the time to understand that my name...however weird, unusual, or quirky it may be... is Lendy and that it is not ok when people do not take the time to call me that especially after I politely correct them multiple times.  WHEW! That was a mouthful.  First time offenders, fast food / Starbucks people that I never intend to see again...no harm no foul.  Everybody needs grace but when you are simply too lazy, too distracted, know me personally, have seen my name in print, or think that my name should be something other than what it is...the fact that you will not take the time to get my name right makes me feel disrespected.  My blood pressure hits the midway point which is high for my typical collected-ness.  The straw that broke the camel's back was this afternoon when I stopped in to check on a gift I ordered at a local store.  I had to complete an order form when I purchased it so my information was clearly on file.  The lady behind the counter asked for my name.  I politely , compliantly, and quietly (my public front) replied, "Lendy Johnson." After a few seconds she said, "I don't have a Wendy Johnson." Slight intake of breath..."It's Lendy.  L-e-n-d-y Johnson." Slight pause.  "I'm sorry ma'm I don't have Wendy or Lendy Johnson listed.  I do have Lindsay Johnson?" There are probably 1,000 Lindsay Johnson's in the greater Raleigh area but only 1 (maybe 2) Lendy's that I personally know of including myself.  Facepalm.  Sometimes my overactive imagination laughs at how I can get away with pretty much anything... I can just blame it on any one of my other identities Wendy, Lindsay, Linda, Leslie, Linday, Lyndee, Lindy, etc., etc.  Wendy and Lindsay are my go-to girl's when I want to be hateful.  Those are the names I get called the most.  God help the reputation of all you Wendy / Lindsay Johnsons out there. 

Ninety-five percent of the time I have difficulty dealing with the name game that I have played my entire life.  The other 5% offer some pretty entertaining stories.  I vividly remember coming home from vacation bible school at the age of 7 with a "Son" visor that we had glued little do-dads on during craft time.  Our teacher had wrote our names on the visors so we knew which one to take home.  She handed me my sun visor at the end of the day and while I recognized the fuzzy blue and yellow pom pom balls I had previously glued on I also noticed my name had changed to Linday.  I was so confused.  Was that my name now? Did she give me someone else's hat????  Where was my hat??? I was experiencing identity crisis / theft at age 7!! I still remember my Mama trying not to laugh as I cried about how my visor was lost or someone else took it after she explained that my name had not changed.  I refused to believe that my teacher had mispelled my name.   

My junior year of high school all of the cool kids were in the FFA and spent the majority of their time hanging out in the "ag department." My friends and I would eat lunch in the "ag office" or hang out in front of the building between classes.  Everyone knew everyone and as juniors we thought we were too cool for many of the freshmen who tried to come in and earn their spot on our turf.  There was a freshmen boy that always hung out after Agriscience class that got unmercifully picked on for not being the, "sharpest tool in the shed" but he did (does) have a kind heart.  One day he shyly admitted to one of my girlfriends that he had a big crush on a hot upper classman.  He said, "Uh well I think her name is Wendy... Wendy Beaman." I never lived that one down.  My friends got a riot out of this and so Wendy Beaman has messages written to her in my senior yearbook.  :)   

In the heat of my frustration I posted a status on Facebook announcing my hate of the name game.  I found out quickly that there are many of you that feel my pain.  Even people with seemingly "normal" names battle folks calling them pet names or nicknames that they never wanted.  There are people that go by abbreviated names or nick names that battle folks wanting to call them by their "formal" name.  I have to admit that I am the worst for giving people pet names.  My poor husband Mike has been permanently branded by most of my friends as "Mikey." I have a close friend I refer to as "boo." Another good friend I shared an office with is my "wifey" even though we are happily married, straight ladies.  I have several Jennifers that became Jenn's.  My dog's name is Bella but we call her "Pookie." At work there is Mac Daddy, Ms. Tripp, Meg, Shon, Real-lo... wow that makes us sound like a gang rather than a group of professionals.  If anyone out there that has been given a title they didn't like...please let it be made known.  There is no room for politeness on this issue.  I would hate to make anyone feel the consternation I feel when people don't get my name right.... and obviously others feel the same way. 

Here's a kernel of truth / my unsolicited advice on this issue...If you don't know how to pronounce a person's name or know what they want to be called...my suggestion would be to just ask.  It may feel awkward but most likely they'll appreciate it and you won't feel like an idiot when they correct you.  If you do mess up and get their name wrong, have the decency to pay attention (hard right?) and get their name right the next time.