Dear early 20-something baby version of me,
Set that beer down and come over here for
a few minutes. This must seem so strange. Like one of those
Hallmark movies where people travel back in time to stop their younger selves
from doing something incredibly stupid. I'm writing you this knowing I can't
change your mind. You're young, independent, and full of yourself.
I just wanted to share some wisdom with you that I hope you remember in
the next 10 years and we continue to apply in the following 40 years.
"You don't need my help." Ha! Of course you don't. I'm
happy to report that despite all of your foolishness, we have come out pretty
durn good so far. Can I just tell you how well you're going to age
sister? Yeah you know when you're 30 and all ancient and stuff. People
are going to look at you and still call you a baby. What's that? You're
not a baby you say? Oh honey... Sit back, sip your beverage, and read for
a few minutes.
Hate to tell you, but there will come a
time when you'll turn down Bojangles for a strawberry spinach salad.
"The hell you say?" I'm not kidding. In fact you're going
to run, lift weights, and work out 6 days a week. You're going to spend
Sunday nights preparing meals for the week rather than stopping by Panera
Bread. You're even going to drink coffee black. Stop laughing.
Sweet tea will become too sweet for you but don't fret you're still gonna
drink a glass of wine or two every once in a while. We both know how
incredibly self-conscience we are about our weight. We've been told our
entire lives we have a genetic predisposition to be plain, thick and
overweight. That's just not true honey. And even if that were the
case, the hateful, hurtful things that were said to us about our physical
appearance doesn't define who we really are. We will spend the rest of
our lives processing this, but I've been told it becomes easier to believe the
truth in time. Don't give up. Processing is going to help us
realize that someday (maybe on death's doorstep at age 45) we're going to do
something to reach out to other girls like us. We're going to help them
believe they're lovely, and get healthy mentally and physically.
Keep wondering about that guy Jesus.
I know He sometimes pops into your mind between all those important
thoughts you have about yourself. (Rolls eyes) Ask questions about
Him, talk out loud to Him, maybe crack open that bible Aunt Lisa bought us 10
years ago. I'm regretting your lack of thoughts towards Him right now.
You will forever remember and love the way our old church smells like
dusty books and freshly polished wood. You will still cry when testimony
is given or people talk about Jesus' sacrifice for you. Stop denying you
cry. God forbid we have some feelings. You'll realize those tears
come from somewhere deeper than just empathy. I'm not going to tell you
where just yet. God is teaching you how to be obedient and you don't even
know it. There are still many, many lessons to learn. Right now
you're still living like the prideful little brat you've always been. Don't
worry, you will look back in the not so distant future and see how He is
pursuing you and protecting you from your bull-headed self. It will take
multiple wake-up calls, some intense emotional pain / loss, and finally a few
blessings before you'll understand what I mean here. Just trust me that
our relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship we'll ever have.
I'm going to regret saying this....Listen
to your mother. I'm cringing here 10+ years later. I must say I
STILL don't always listen to her but dang if she isn't right when it comes to
knowing stuff about us and what's good for us. You haven't stopped
gritting your teeth when she claims she's right. By the way, she thinks
you're starving yourself and you're too skinny. Some things don't change.
Not to get all philosophical, I think we all have to just go our own way
and learn things on our terms. We could save ourselves some wounds,
healing time, and scars if we'd just listen when the people who love us and
know us try to speak reason to us. She may not always go about it in the
best way, but someday you're going to realize she's only seemingly fussing at you
because she loves you and the ache she feels when you hurt is just as intense.
Someday you'll wake up and start seeing your parents in the same light as
you see yourself. People. People with
feelings and unique personalities. They are imperfect and they fail, but
they deserve the same grace and consideration we think / hope we can obtain
when we screw up. Having said that, the "told you so tone" she
uses is just as annoying in the future as it was ever. Just tell her
you're going to do what you want and then file away what she says to think
about before you make any decisions. Saves face, but watch out for that
silent treatment though... it's rough.
We're still learning how to trust and rely on others to support us emotionally. Deep breath... we're sensitive. I heard that scoff all the way here in the future....that's going to be a difficult realization for you around age 28-29. Just wait. We are not as strong and impenetrable as we think we are. By building up our emotional walls we've been well protected these past 20 something years but we've denied ourselves some desperately needed counsel and affection from the wonderful friends and family we have around us. The sooner we figure out how to balance our independence with quality dependence the better off we will be.
Oh and by the way, the fall off the judgement seat of our high and mighty horse is a long fall. Your ego is gonna hurt after that one. It's actually shattered some for the better.
Suffice to say when you graduate into your 30's you're going to realize how simple it is to dream dreams and set goals, but it's even more simple to make excuses as to why they cannot be accomplished. You'll realize this after you fight with your personal trainer about meal preparation and giving up half & half in your coffee. You're going to really admire and appreciate folks who dream big and then work to make it happen. You're going to want to be a part of that even if failure is involved which isn't always comfortable for you. We are growing.
Your work wagon is loaded my love. It's only going to get worse as you further your career, try other new things, and maybe give into the world's wishes and have some babies. Now we're both laughing. Don't let your priorities and creativity fall by the wayside because you become overwhelmed with the obligations of the daily grind. Where there is a will, surely there is a way. Yeah, now I'm sounding old and cliché. There are a lot of other important little nuggets I wanted to share with you but this letter is getting long and it's getting extremely late. I wanna wrap this up before you think it's okay to crack open another beer. You may not love me right now, but you'll learn to in time. If anyone else reads this letter they're going to realize how challenging the pronouns were.
"What are pronouns?" Great question.
LJ
