Dear 2018,
I used to write really cheeky end of year reflections, but this year all I can muster is some lessons and testimony that you've left me with over the last twelve months.
1. Be vulnerable. This lesson is about people. Your spouse, your parents, your best friend. The people you love and the circumstances you're in right now are not set in stone. My mama was a healthy, active woman. 2018... you were her year. We found out she had a terminal cancer diagnosis and within six months the disease took her life. In January, I was dreaming of buying her a new house and Sunday lunches after church with my babies playing in her yard. She was my best friend. I didn't see any of this coming. I can tell you that since she has died, my saddest moments have been reflecting on how I didn't tell her enough how much I appreciated her and how much she meant to me.
The whole lesson of "not taking things for granted" seems cliche until you experience it firsthand. Be vulnerable enough to allow yourself to experience joy and pain in the moment, and then effectively communicate those feelings. Let the people you love know how you feel about them, often if not every day. If you are angry with someone, get your pride in check, and then talk about it. When you take a few seconds to look at where the other person is coming from, it deflates your pride enough to look at them as a fellow human versus an enemy. Holding anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Life is too short for all that.
2. 2018.... you have taught me that whenever there is loss, God can and will fill the void with Himself if you will let Him. This means healing just isn't possible, it's probable. I thank you for this lesson.
3. God can handle your questions and your anger. I used to believe that God would strike me dead for being angry at Him or questioning what He was trying to do to me. I've found that unlike people, who will withdraw love if questioned or threatened, God's love is unconditional and solid just like His word says. He listens to our questions and our anger like the patient Father He is. I've found that expressing things to Him is what opens up a heart to heart conversation, which ultimately allows healing and reconciliation to take place. Just as a point... if you ever get to really questioning God, read Job 38. It will shut your mouth every single time.
4. Ask for help. This has been a hard lesson for me. I do not like asking for help and I don't like to appear weak. I'm fairly guarded and private about things. Walking through Mama's sickness -- the day to day needs she had plus caring for my husband, son, and family AND working a full-time job was hard physically. I was not willing to admit the toil it was taking on me emotionally. People would ask me if I was ok, and I would tell them I was hanging in there. The last half of the year I started withdrawing from the people I was close to. I stayed in a state of numb or angry and wasn't sure why. I was severely depressed and needed support and encouragement but was too proud to ask for it. My pride cost me emotionally and in some of my closest relationships. I've since reached out and gotten some help, but I know there are others like me who are too proud or scared to do something about what they are going through. Whether it is grief or its just the daily grind, there is no shame in not being able to do it all with a smile. Ask for the support you need when you need it.
2018, I did not write down a single goal. I prayed that God would teach me to know Him more deeply. I could not have imagined that He would take me on the journey that I have walked through to get there, but He has been faithful to answer that prayer this year. I have no doubt there are people sitting out there today reflecting on their "best nine" or maybe even counting down the hours (like me) until you're finished, 2018. However you may leave us tonight... excited, blessed, mourning, anxious, hopeful... I believe we can all look forward with expectation to 2019 bearing in mind, "A man's heart guides his way, but the Lord directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).
Peace and chicken grease,
Lendy
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