My Thirteen Tantrum

Each year during the Christmas season I sit down and compose a "year in review" of sorts.  I try to get it done before the rush of the back to back holidays.  Sorry I'm flooding your facebook, blogger, twitter, e-mail, etc with back to back random rambles.  Settle in...this is a long one.

In "t"wo "t"housand and "t"en I used a "t" theme where I used "t" words to describe how the year went.  I thought it fitting since it's "t"wo "t"housand and "t"hirteen to recycle that little "t"rick.  Sadly I am not very creative or original so I stole a lot of the same "t" words and witty commentary from my old blog.  Oops...  I'll go ahead and recycle this little line while I'm at it... Before Christmas gets away from us and we move into a new year I would like to quote the butter queen, Paula Deen, and say, "From my house to yours lots of love and good dishes."

1. This has been a year for TRIPS and TRAVELLING particularly in my pickup TRUCK.  I TRADED my TRUCK last week for a smaller SUV.  The Great White was a faithful companion for all of 2013.  I spent a lot of time driving and riding hence the name of my blog...The Dashboard Diaries.  I successfully put 88,000 miles on the Great White before I turned her in.  I hope "Big Red" can keep me between the ditches in 2014.  In addition to driving around my 11 counties throughout the year, I also went to Florida, Virginia Beach, DC, Georgia, and Tennessee.  I went to Pennsylvania several times to celebrate with great friends on their nuptials.  :) I would be remiss if I left out the trips that I've made just around North Carolina and Virginia to visit good friends and family.  Wonderful memories and great times.  Strangely enough as much as I love to be on the go all of my TRAVELLING in the past few months have helped create a greater appreciation of coming home and being still.

2. TIARA.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a "princess" or a girly girl.  I like to wear make-up.  I own several cute black dresses and have been known to enjoy a pedicure on occasion.  BUT I also like to wear ripped jeans, boots, and t-shirts.  I have zero issue sweating because I surely don't 'glisten' and I can get my hands dirty too.  TIARA is in reference to a moment in my life where I actually felt 100% proud of myself...completing the 2013 Disney Princess Half Marathon in February.  I may have looked like a princess at the starting line in my cute skirt and bow but I looked like a warrior at the end drenched in sweat after 13.1 miles in high humidity.  Totally worth it and someday I hope to go back and do it again.

3.  TRAINING.  When I began running in Spring of 2012 I had no desire to complete a half marathon let alone would I ever have expected that I would enjoy it! Following the Disney Princess race I ran in 2 other half marathons -- the Run Raleigh Half in April and the Rock 'n Roll Savannah Half in November.  The Run Raleigh Half was tough.  I had not TRAINED like I should since it was right on the heels of the Disney race but I trudged it out and even managed to improve my time.  The Savannah race was a blast and I'm thinking I will likely run it again in 2014 if God is willing.  I could talk in depth about all of the fabulous emotions and cool people I met while doing these large races but the truth is they last a few hours and it's all over.  Meanwhile I logged hours upon hours of TRAINING...running and working out in the hot, cold, rain, and even ice.  TRAINING even when all I wanted to do was lay in bed an extra few minutes or I was "too sore" or had "too much to do." I would not TRADE that time or the miles that I put in for anything.  I have learned to become more disciplined in various areas of my life. TRAINING is usually when I have my most intimate conversations with the Lord and where I puzzle through heart issues and tangible challenges that I'm facing.  Throughout the late Spring / early Summer I didn't have any large races to prepare for and something really strange happened...

4.  TRIATHLON.  Of all things in the world, I had less than no desire to complete a TRIATHLON.   Think about that...less than no desire.  The local running store in Danville, VA where I purchase my running shoes is also a TRIATHLON store.  I sneered at the wet suits, goggles, and fins.  Bikes should have baskets on them with cute puppies.  These people who try to conquer three separate disciplines at once are crazy / have a serious death wish.  My darling Mama comes up with crazy rants and raves at times.  She decided once I began to run that she would never allow me to compete in anything crazy like a TRIATHLON.  Something about that conversation changed my mind about doing a TRI.  :) I began to swim (a little but now a lot) and bike (with my boo) once a week.  I also stepped up my strength training.  I fell in love with my TRI training even more than my long runs because it was challenging yet showed immediate results.  My run times improved and I lost several inches of cushion.  :) That being said, the parts that I treasure and hold dear out of my TRI training and the 2 TRIATHLONS I competed in this year were sharing those experiences with sweet friends.  I would not TRADE the conversations I had on the bike with my boo or being there when she placed 3rd overall in our age group for anything.  I may have been slow in the pack but I will never forget my first attempts at the beast known as TRIATHLON and sharing the feeling of getting it done with my boo, Heather, and even John.  :) I'm already looking forward to getting in gear for the 2014 season.        

If you read carefully through the first part of the blog you will see things that I wouldn't TRADE for anything in this world.  I would gladly trade all the "t" words in #5.  

5. TEARFUL-TAXING-TRYING-TUMULTUOUS.  Each year has its own set of TRYING circumstances. Lots of my volunteers across the district have struggled through foul farming weather, sickness, and death this year.  Some of my closest friends and members of my immediate family have gone through hell this year dealing with financial issues, doubts, fears, relationship problems, more sickness, and yes...death.  All of this has broken my heart in half.  Call it a blessing or a curse but when people that I care about hurt whether they like it or not... whether I visibly show it or not... I'm hurting right there too.  (Galatians 6:2)
I have felt the weight of sickness and death this year firsthand as Mikey has dealt with first his daddy struggling through cardiac issues,  and then his mother being diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks of metastasized ovarian cancer.  Now Granma will have triple bypass surgery on Christmas Eve.  I have a hip injury that is preventing me from TRAINING and cost me running in my first full marathon. September - December have sucked...yes I said it... sucked in the Johnson household with the exceptions of some good food and great company which make all the sucking bearable (see #6).  
On my knees, my heart is torn in two directions.  Part of me begs for Him to make it all stop.  Please stop all the hurting that the people I love are going through.  The other half says please give us the strength in You to bear what is before us.  Please God give me the strength to be an encouragement because right now I don't feel like I have the strength left to do anything but sit here and cry and writhe in my own ish and insecurities. Then I realize that this is the point where I'm my strongest... relying on His strength and not my own...and that everything unpleasant about 2013 is going to work out and everybody is going to be ok even if it takes some time.

6. TENDER. Not steak tender. There aren't many "t" words available that express love or are relationship oriented.  Throughout all the good and bad drama this year, there has been an outpouring of love and support from lots of different groups of people.  I won't mention them all specifically but I am so thankful for each of you.  I have a wonderful supportive family that I become more and more grateful for as each year passes.  We are crazy and sometimes dysfunctional but I wouldn't TRADE any of them....not even Mike.  :) Since August I've developed relationships with some amazing women at church through a bible study.  They have TAUGHT me a great deal about walking in relationship with Christ, about who I am, and what kind of person I want to be.  I desire to be a Barnabas to others.  :) 2013 afforded me the opportunity to grow further in relationship with some of my already dearest friends.  We shared in life changing events, held each other through trials and tears, and celebrated being young and dumb whenever possible.  They have opened my eyes to something I need to work on in 2014... TRUST.

7.  2013 has been a lot of THINGS but maybe the most important THING that has happened is I have developed a THIRST for the TRUTH daily.  I will spend the rest of my life searching and clinging to the TRUTH, and I am aware of how difficult that may be at times.  I'm TIRED of lying to myself about circumstances in my heart that I should have moved on from years ago and I desire to speak TRUTH into other people's lives just as I hope they will speak into mine.  I'm not talking about what we may feel or perceive to be TRUTH because feelings and perceptions are fleeting.  God's TRUTH is steady and permanent.

8.  A year of TESTIMONY. (This is word for word what I wrote in 2010 and it still applies today.)  Through all that has happened... good, bad, awesome, or ugly I have increasingly become aware of God's presence even in the smallest details of my life. Looking back I can see that when all I poured out was bitterness or disappointment in people, he surrounded me by others that were faithful and loving. When I went through difficult personal times, He gave me peace and an amazing support system to help get me through. Peace doesn't mean that the physical or emotional pain were absent, but He reminded me that He is in control and that He only wants to do what's best for me regardless of how hard it may be at the time. I've watched Him answer prayers regarding loved ones, guide people down paths they never imagined going down... God has used all of the events of this year to guide me closer to Him and I am so incredibly THANKFUL.

Thanks for everything in '13! I can't wait to see what's in store for us in '14! :)