This letter isn't just a note to apologize for some egregious behavior.
It isn't a manifesto where I bash myself for doing something wrong that wasn't actually wrong.
It's not an attempt to be passive aggressive or melodramatic.
This letter is about being selfish and selfless all at once.
It's about expressing raw, real feelings. We just love feelings, don't we?
It's dedicated to you and countless other individuals I may have hurt or caused discomfort along the way intentionally or not.
It's dedicated to people who for whatever reason still may be searching for the right words to apologize with.
It's dedicated to people who are too ignorant to know they're in the wrong and will never say they are sorry to their loved ones. "Harsh words will hurt your feelings, but silence will break your heart." C.S. Lewis
It's dedicated to people who never had (or were given) the opportunity to express heartfelt sorrow for their actions.
Since our last conversation and what I'm assuming was the end of our friendship, my emotional cup has been full of sticky anger, sharp hurt, but tonight it is overflowing with wet grief. I'm grieving so bad I'm eating plain Greek yogurt. We all know that being sad and eating soured sour cream is the worst. I gotta tell you though, I'm enjoying these feelings. I have repressed them for so so long.
I lost my privilege with you sweet friend but it's not entirely your doing. I contributed to this fractured relationship. Up until I figured out how wonderful it is to let my guard down, I hid myself behind a fragile mask. I'm sorry my fear of losing you and abandonment far outweighed loving you enough to show you all of who I am and serving you with a completely unselfish heart. I owe you an apology for putting you on such a high pedestal and setting you up for a painful fall. I was looking for affection and validation in the wrong places. That was never your responsibility, and I have since asked to be forgiven and repented of my ways. I hope you have forgiven me somewhere along the way.
Despite the grief, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that initiating the conversation that ended our friendship last year was one of the bravest and kindest things you could have done for me. I know it wasn't easy but I needed to change and you were just being honest with me and yourself. Looking into the intentions of our hearts and wishing they were different sucks. What was meant for evil has been used for good though. Since this happened I have walked with another friend who is going through a scarily similar situation and been able to offer encouragement and insight. I am now careful to check my intentions with other people and I've gained a tremendous amount of confidence in just being Lendy without fear of loss.
I still miss you. I often dream about you and wake up to pray for you. Sometimes I wish things could be different. Just know that I am a better person for having known you. I enjoyed what time I had with you. And I will pray for the Lord's hand to be with you all your days.
LJ
No comments:
Post a Comment