Throwback Moodle Post: Life Research: A Review of Heart Validity, Reliability, and Perceptions

Dust off your Masters thesis.  Pull out the research methodology books.  There are a few key terms that need to be mentioned here in the introduction of this blog:

Validity: The quality of being logical or factually sound.
----- Validation: To declare something valid or corroborate its soundness. -----

Reliability: Produces consistent and stable results.

Perception: Cognitive awareness of an attitude on a given subject or situation.

Several weeks ago, I asked a hard question that has lead into a heart quest.  The question was, "God, what are some attitudes / behaviors that I need to change that will bring me closer to You, help me love people better / well, and improve my attitude about my life?" This was a mixed methods study utilizing both qualitative and quantitative data.  There were two models represented in the framework of this study.  One was theoretical (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) and the other factual (the Truth).  I realize that may be subjective to some, but this is my study.  The results were a long weepy January with realizations that were at times difficult to swallow, but hey spiritual renewal is supposed to be tough yet rewarding! (Unlike the writing of the real thesis...)

Unconsciously I have been seeking validation from people and accomplishments.  Validation is a funny thing.  It's scary how our heart can give God thanks and praise out of one side and yet also desire worldly praise and acceptance from the other.  Even when praise and prizes have been abundant they haven't been enough to fill the huge perfectionist hole I've been digging for most of my life (approx. 1 zillion centimeters deep).   I have walls full of accomplishments that I resent at times because I don't believe who I am now measures up to who I was.  Zero reliability. In relationships where reciprocation and love languages are often are on varying levels, my need for validation is at its worst.  The love is deep and real from this end, but it's easy for me to convince myself that I'm not important to the other person (perception not reality), or there is some level of disappointment.  This has often resulted in the building of communication and emotional barrier(s) or (worse) termination of an important, wishfully long-term social experiment (aka relationships).  

Thank God for my little women's study group, truth filled revelations, and heartfelt confession / counsel that lead to the following CONCLUSIONS and a tried yet renewing heart:

1.  It does not matter how hard you work, how high the goals are, or how deep the love is; all of us fall desperately short of where we should be (Romans 3:23).  Hence why grace is so sweet and sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).    

2.  Justification and fulfillment are through faith in Jesus Christ alone (Acts 13:39, Romans 3:24).

3.  If validation comes from God then we are able to see people through the lens of Christ and can love them completely simply because we love them without expectation, resentment of the past, or fear of the future.  (1 John 4:11-21).

4.  Our work and accomplishments are not burdensome or consuming when done unto Him rather than to satisfy selfishly unrealistic expectations (Colossians 3:23-24).

5.  Rest is achievable.  ("Rest does not =not working with all our might.  Rest = working with faith that God goes before us/works through us." -- Louie Giglio)  

Applications: To be determined....

Johnson, L.  pHD.  School of Reformed Thugs and Hard Knocks.

Reflections on a bad day at Disney...

You may ask, "Who can have a bad day at Disney World??? The most magical place on Earth??" Apparently this girl can.  Here we are on vacation in a lovely resort (that cost me a small fortune) with family and 30,000 of our closest friends wearing some mouse ears and eating until we're miserable... how dare you Lendy complain with your mouth full???

How dare I indeed.  I guess I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed, stepped on my glass slipper, and Prince Charming forgot to bring me my coffee.  Needless to say I have had to drink lots of blood (from biting my tongue) and mutter lots of prayers to get me through this day here at the most magical place on Earth.  Truthfully, that has been the story of many of my days here lately even back in the forest.  Nothing is terribly wrong, but nothing is really going right either and I can't tell you how desperately I want this restlessness and general funkiness to go away.  This morning as I was praying my way through 50 screaming children standing in between me and coffee, THE still voice spoke and has continued to speak to me throughout the day about some items that pertained to very present circumstances but could be applied even when I get home.  For those of you who have had a rough start to the year, stepped on your glass slipper, or haven't found your Prince (or Princess) yet... I'll pray for you I'm still working at this myself.  Meanwhile here are a few reflections from my bad day at Disney that may help you through it or at least give you a laugh at my corny psychology on life. 

Just think to yourself....

1.  I should get excited / be thankful for the small stuff.  For me, after I made it through the screaming children I hoisted my coffee cup over my head like I held the Holy Grail.  Hoist your coffee (tea, drink, water, whatever) cup in the morning like the trophy that it is.  You made it through the night.   

2.  Whenever I am dreading something, I need to find something else that makes me smile.  As I was getting dressed, dreading walking for 1,000 miles today I noticed that I had pulled on my fave pair of socks.  They are red orange and match nothing in my wardrobe but they are fabulous.  YES ORANGE SOCKS!

3. There is something to be said for 'lameness.' Temporarily vacating your life always seems appealing when you're stuck in the daily grind.  Yet, I am beginning to understand what people mean when they say that they need a vacation after their vacation.  Constantly being on the go and no regular schedule for wake-up, meals, or going to bed.  My body rhythm is way, way off.  I'm looking forward to my regular  6am wake-up coffee / e-mail sessions with my Pookie.  I'm looking forward to boring chicken and rice, and peanut butter and banana sandwiches versus filet minon and fancy chicken.  I am a naturally spontaneous and flexible person but it is within the confines of normal surroundings and according to my (seemingly irregular) routine.          

4.  'Me time.' According to all the psychologist Lendy Johnson is an Extrovert (capital E) but with some introverted tendecies.  This means I draw energy from being around other people 99% of the time yet I also like to have a few moments to process and think through things ALONE.  This is usually accomplished during a run, in my car, or in my office.  Fellow extroverts, 'me time' is healthy.  I used to worry that I would lose my capital E status for actually looking forward to quiet time without being constantly watched, questioned, talked at, or picked on.  After this trip, I am convinced some personal time is necessary for the safety of others, even if it's just for 5-10 minutes.  Here at Disney you can't even go tinkle alone ya know? Anyway, you will not lose your capital E status.   

5.  Boundaries are good.  Throughout my vacation my work phone has rang and lots of e-mails have come in.  I knew this was going to happen.  Part of the problem is that we have a conference next weekend and there are still some loose ends to tie up.  The other part of the problem is I always choose to not turn my phone off and not ignore messages even during my "personal time."  I feel lots of responsibility toward my work and the people I work with.  I'm thankful for my job and the priveleges that go along with it.  I love the people I work for and work with.  I think of most of them as my friends.  But I've realized that for the past 2 years work has sortof become my life.  The running and training has helped but this constant connection to my e-mail and such must end.  These thoughts really began churning one night last week when one of my best friends was talking about not selling her soul to a job.  She wasn't talking about me or at me, but it really made me take pause.  I don't want to sell my soul to my job.  I hope everybody sees where my priorities truly lie.... Jesus, Others, & then myself.  I want to continue to enjoy my work and be thankful for it and it's becoming obvious that in order for that to happen there needs to be some re-prioritizing and balancing.  Some boundaries are healthy.              

I could ramble on and on about being convicted over things like materialism, etc but the summation of my thoughts for the day is....

It can always be so much worse / the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  And one bad day doesn't mean it's a bad life.  And I shouldn't complain with my mouth or my heart full.  I am grateful to be here.  I will be even more grateful if God grants me passage to the not so most magical place on Earth, yet most comfortable and close to my heart place... North Carolina.   

Fresh Ink

When I turned 16 years old I told my Mama I wanted a tattoo.  She proceeded to tell me <insert Caswell Co voice> "You come home with a tattoo and after I get the razor strap I'll scrub it off with Clorox."   At age 18, "Mama I'm going to get a tattoo.  You can't stop me now." Mama: "You get that tattoo and I will remove it with sandpaper."  Several years later after I was baptized I had a butterfly tattooed on my ankle.  Lots of people scoff when I tell them I got a tattoo AFTER I was baptized. Regardless I waited until after breakfast one morning and asked Mama what would happen if she found out I got a tattoo.  She promptly replied, "I'll never speak to you again." You can imagine at this point how upsetting the following conversation was.  But after lots of tears on both sides we determined that it would take a lot more than ink to break us two rednecks up.  She even admitted my butterfly was cute.  :) I know people have varying opinions about tattoos.  My hope is that folks won't judge me for my decision to have some.  My hope is that others will not find them offensive.  I won't remove them or apologize for having them, but I will cover them if they bother you.  I can uncover them when we're not together.  I'm supportive of the decision to live life with or without ink with no judgement.  

Here's the collection:

My butterfly tattoo was my very first.  :)
Got this one after I was baptized in Sept. 2009
to symbolize my changed life.

My second tat were my stars.  I
get the most compliments on these.
There is a star each for my Mama,
me, and my younger brother Phillip.
We went through a lot together
growing up.  My Mama has always
called me her "shining star." :)

This was my 3rd tattoo and maybe my fave...the love
tat.  I got this one with Michael Johnson in mind.
It's under my arm so whenever I hug someone I think
about the love.  

Last (and by last I mean my last) and one that no one has seen..until now.  The cross and anchor together were first used in  Christian catacombs to represent hope based on the belief in Jesus.  The heart was added later to represent love.  Faith (1 Peter 2:24), Hope (Hebrews 6:19-20), and Love (1 John 4:17-19).    

Throwback Moodle Post: Lendy's group response regarding the gospel.

I must confess that I haven’t been a model church goer these past few weeks… okay months.  With the rush of work, being a weekend road warrior, and at times just downright lazy… there has been more than one Sunday since September that I've spent outside of the church building.  My Monday Women’s Bible Study group hasn't met since before Thanksgiving.  I am really missing my regular reading, fellowshipping (is that a word?), worshiping routine these days.  Bible study will begin again week after next so I decided to commit time over the next week to review what was studied in the fall, catch up on a week of assignments I had missed, and prepare for the spring session of Acts.  I sat down today and cracked open my notes for the first time since November and it felt like what could best be described as relief.  One of the questions totally struck me.  I knew I was going to have to journal about it (yeah 2014 goals!!!!!) and then I also decided to write a little bloggy blog too.  I must also confess that often I don't choose what I write about.  Sometimes it's just laid on my heart that I need to / want to share.

 

The question: Share with your group how your life has been changed by the gospel.

Hello group. 

I sat there and stared at the words on the page for a good 10 minutes, my mind completely blank.  How does one put into words how their life has changed since they heard and believed the gospel of Jesus Christ? 

We live in a seminary town.  I have some seminary friends.  I attend a church with a large body of seminarians.  While I am not a seminarian, I am a part of and have bought into a community of believers that are all about the business of the gospel…sharing it, living it out to bring glory to God, and to serve as a witness for others to see.  At times I feel like a fledgling when it comes to sharing my testimony, or speaking on scripture and my feelings on evangelism.  I don’t have an amazing testimony complete with some dramatic conversion that featured bright lights, crazy winds, or a loud booming voice.  Nor have I traveled to far off locations and proclaimed Christ to lost nations or suffered physical persecution for His name.  No, my story began with a small whisper in my heart.  I then realized that in order to fully answer this question…How has your life been changed by the gospel…I would have to start at what it was like before I knew what the gospel was.

As a child, I associated the word gospel with True Gospel Baptist Church two miles up the road from our house.  People mentioned words like “Holy Ghost” when they referenced that church, so for a long time I thought, “gospel” may have something to do with a white sheet figure floating around.  Gospel also made me think of worn hardwood floors, the smell of books, and creaking chairs in my Sunday school classroom.  It was a word for adults that I couldn't really comprehend.  As I got older, I learned that gospel was a type of old school Christian music that my grandparents and parents liked to listen to on Saturday nights.  They sang along word for word because they had heard all of these songs growing up.  Meanwhile I mouthed along the best I could if we sang them on Sunday mornings.  The gospels were 4 books in my bible which I ONLY opened on Sunday IF we were allowed to attend church, and Christmas Eve as we read the story of Jesus’ birth.  Thank God He was born so we could get presents…geez.  These gospels talked about this Jesus, a man that was also God (I’m sorry what?), who died to cleanse my sins whatever they may be.  This distant figure was someone that I should be allegiant to, or prepare to burn in hell for eternity otherwise.  Regardless of the flawed theology, I felt a tug at my heart strings when I was 10 years old and prayed to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior one night after vacation bible school.  This Jesus was not scary and draped in a white sheet like the Holy Ghost.  :)

By the time I reached my preteen / teenage years I understood Jesus was the Son of God…how that came to be was a complete mystery but I accepted it as the truth because that was what I was supposed to believe.  What I learned about most during this time of my life was sin.  Impure thoughts, lusts, lies, gossip, covetousness, vanity, and selfishness.  I behaved as if I were in total control of my life and often became angry when things didn't go according to my plan.  I also did not want to face the consequences of my actions when I made mistakes or poor decisions.  Basically I was a typical teenager.  I remember telling lies and feeling my gut tie up in knots.  I remember how good it felt when I stroked my own ego about the way I looked or the things I possessed, and looked down on those that me or my friends thought were less.  I also remember sleepless nights where I couldn't help but think of how hurtful my actions were and how I wished I could take them all back.  I remember the weight of un-forgiveness I felt toward my daddy after my parents’ divorce and multiple others that I deeply cared about but cut out of my life because I felt like they slighted me.  Now I wish I could reverse those decisions, but since I cannot I am grateful for the lessons they taught me.    

I have always felt a desire to build intimate relationships with people around me.  At times it has been such an amazing blessing and at others it has felt like a burden.  Somewhere in early adulthood I realized that this was a gift from this Jesus and that I should be using it to do positive things rather than worrying about getting hurt or reciprocation.  After a failed engagement to a boy I thought I was in love with (key words: ‘I thought’), something clicked in me that maybe it was time to begin asking Jesus what He thought was best for me rather than me trying to go at it alone.  He has consequently walked me though my marriage, my first career, graduate school, a miscarriage, the death of dear family members, building new relationships, another new job, on and on even to this day.  He has shown me that He is present in the extraordinary and the mundane.  He continually teaches me how I need to pray, how to confront and turn away from negative behaviors, and serve others.  No, there is not a loud booming voice talking or instructing me.  It’s the still voice of the Holy Spirit (my fave Ghost), His truth (God’s Word), and the counsel of people He has placed into my life. 

He has shown me how to walk with Him and years later since He quietly whispered to me, I finally comprehend the breadth and depth of the gospel and the power of my Jesus.  How God saw my brokenness even at the beginning of time and sent Jesus, Whom selflessly died and bore the wrath of the Almighty in my stead, so that I could be reconciled to God and bring all glory and honor to Him.  All I have to do is confess my sins and believe on Him.  All this time He has pursued me (praise Him) in an effort to call me His.  And the same is true of everyone else regardless of where they are.  The gospel has given me a purpose, taught me about grace, and the true meaning of love and fulfillment.  Does that mean that things are perfect? That I’m perfect? Absolutely not.  It only confirms the fact that I’m human and in need of lots of grace.  

Again, I’m no great theologian.  I’m not even a decent storyteller.  How the gospel has changed Lendy Johnson isn't a fairy tale.  My story is more like a lab practical (hands-on), that’s still in progress, but will eventually have a sweet ending.

Is it fair for me to ask, how has the gospel changed your life? Has it changed your life at all?          

Lean, Mean, and Green in 14

Welcome 2014! Last night I was reading through posts on the internet about how 2013 was the best year ever.  So many of my friends graduated or got engaged.  There were weddings, and lots and lots of babies (most will be born in 2014).  There were some bright spots this year but honestly I was happy to shut the door on ’13 at 12am this morning.  I can’t say that I’m romantically optimistic about what 2014 may hold, but I do see it as an opportunity for growth and especially here at the start…renewal.  The events of 2013, as in previous years, haven’t beaten me down.  I’m just better “refined” and more grateful than ever for the blessings and the lessons.

As is tradition I post my 2014 bucket list for the world to see.  Last year I had like 30 goals.  This year I decided to narrow down my list a little and try to be more practical / specific. 

1. Spend time in God’s word daily.  Seek the truth. 

I read a lot of material, talk to lots of different people.  It’s so easy to get bogged down into the 50 shades of truth that the world would have us to believe and buy into.  2013 impressed upon me the importance of seeking out and responding to the truth which I believe is tied to studying God’s word. 

2.  Keep a journal / prayer journal.

3.  Tithe 10% every 2 weeks and contribute to the church debt retirement.

4.  Continue to make monthly contributions to savings and my 401k.

5.  Spend time in prayer daily giving thanks first and always remembering to pray for those that I commit to praying for.  

We talked about this in bible study all the time.  People share their battles and our empathetic hearts say, “I’ll pray for you.” Then you continue grocery shopping or whatever and forget.  This year I’m going to take notes if I have to in a conscious effort to lift up people that specifically request it.  There is no greater way to show love than praying for someone else’s needs. 

6.  Drink only 2 cups of coffee per day.

I love my coffee and I need caffeine but it’s slowly eating a hole in my stomach lining.  Do I think I can do just 2 cups? No…especially not at first but there needs to be some kind of limit. 

7.  Smile.

My smiling muscles are weak from lack of use.  I tend to look serious when really I’m not. 

8.  Keep my e-mail inbox at 25 messages or less.

Current count… 298.  :(

9.  Return voicemails (which I hate) within 24 hours.

Just text me.  I’m probably in a meeting.  Or hang up.  I’ll call you back.  Promise.

10.  Complete my monthly reconcile report by the end of each month.

There are few tasks in my job that I don’t enjoy or at least find tolerable.  Part of my work is looking over financial reports.  I review the reports and work with my liaisons on a regular basis.  I don’t mind reviewing the books… I like numbers… but I don’t enjoy filling out the monthly spreadsheet I have to turn in.  Don’t ask me why… it’s just me being whiney and lazy.

 

11.  Have ears to hear the needs of others.

12.  Be a Barnabas.

Barnabas literally means, “son of encouragement.” Barnabas was an encourager to the apostles and believers in the early church.  He was described as a man obedient to God, full of faith and the holy spirit.

13.  Workout at least 5 times a week.

I know that won’t always be the case but it’s good to have goals.  I haven't figured out my race goals for the year.  I want to do at least 2 1/2 marathons and some tri work.  Last year I planned out my race schedule in Jan. and it changed all year so we will see.

14.  Check Facebook and social media only once per day.

I’ve read a lot lately about the anxiety and self-esteem issues that come from checking Facebook frequently.  In my mind, I’m like yeah right but then I got to thinking about how sometimes I, consciously or not, compare myself to my friends and what they have going on in their lives.  There have been moments where I felt inadequate and that’s not healthy.  Time to cut that crap back.

15.  Wherever I am, be all there.

I’m always in 2 places…where I am physically and where I am mentally.  I do better when I have more than one process rolling at once but it does cost me some focus and therefore at times I trade quality for quantity.  Plus I need to spend less time wishing things were different and more time enjoying and being useful with what I have and where I am.    

16.  Pursue some type of continuing education opportunity.

I need constructive criticism and growth in all areas of my life all the time.  I’m sorta feeling like it may be time for an intellectual challenge.    

17.  Ask for and give forgiveness freely.

There is no time like the present.  Better to do it now before there isn't an opportunity.

18.  Have fun as much as possible.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.”

19.  Love even when it’s not returned. 

My senior year of high school my English teacher wrote a poem about our class.  We had been together for four years since there was only one honors English instructor in my high school.  In the poem he wrote a statement to each of us that began with the letter of our name.  The list is in alphabetical order so we knew whose statement belonged to whom.  He told us that the statement was either one of our strengths or a lesson that we needed to learn.  My statement:  “Love even when it’s not returned.” I have never figured out if this was my strength or a lesson so it’s been one of my goals for the past 11 years, and will continue to be for the rest of my days.  So much easier said than done at times.  

  

Whether you write goals, resolutions, or choose to let things come as they may… hope 2014 is blessed, productive, and positive for each of you!  

My Thirteen Tantrum

Each year during the Christmas season I sit down and compose a "year in review" of sorts.  I try to get it done before the rush of the back to back holidays.  Sorry I'm flooding your facebook, blogger, twitter, e-mail, etc with back to back random rambles.  Settle in...this is a long one.

In "t"wo "t"housand and "t"en I used a "t" theme where I used "t" words to describe how the year went.  I thought it fitting since it's "t"wo "t"housand and "t"hirteen to recycle that little "t"rick.  Sadly I am not very creative or original so I stole a lot of the same "t" words and witty commentary from my old blog.  Oops...  I'll go ahead and recycle this little line while I'm at it... Before Christmas gets away from us and we move into a new year I would like to quote the butter queen, Paula Deen, and say, "From my house to yours lots of love and good dishes."

1. This has been a year for TRIPS and TRAVELLING particularly in my pickup TRUCK.  I TRADED my TRUCK last week for a smaller SUV.  The Great White was a faithful companion for all of 2013.  I spent a lot of time driving and riding hence the name of my blog...The Dashboard Diaries.  I successfully put 88,000 miles on the Great White before I turned her in.  I hope "Big Red" can keep me between the ditches in 2014.  In addition to driving around my 11 counties throughout the year, I also went to Florida, Virginia Beach, DC, Georgia, and Tennessee.  I went to Pennsylvania several times to celebrate with great friends on their nuptials.  :) I would be remiss if I left out the trips that I've made just around North Carolina and Virginia to visit good friends and family.  Wonderful memories and great times.  Strangely enough as much as I love to be on the go all of my TRAVELLING in the past few months have helped create a greater appreciation of coming home and being still.

2. TIARA.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a "princess" or a girly girl.  I like to wear make-up.  I own several cute black dresses and have been known to enjoy a pedicure on occasion.  BUT I also like to wear ripped jeans, boots, and t-shirts.  I have zero issue sweating because I surely don't 'glisten' and I can get my hands dirty too.  TIARA is in reference to a moment in my life where I actually felt 100% proud of myself...completing the 2013 Disney Princess Half Marathon in February.  I may have looked like a princess at the starting line in my cute skirt and bow but I looked like a warrior at the end drenched in sweat after 13.1 miles in high humidity.  Totally worth it and someday I hope to go back and do it again.

3.  TRAINING.  When I began running in Spring of 2012 I had no desire to complete a half marathon let alone would I ever have expected that I would enjoy it! Following the Disney Princess race I ran in 2 other half marathons -- the Run Raleigh Half in April and the Rock 'n Roll Savannah Half in November.  The Run Raleigh Half was tough.  I had not TRAINED like I should since it was right on the heels of the Disney race but I trudged it out and even managed to improve my time.  The Savannah race was a blast and I'm thinking I will likely run it again in 2014 if God is willing.  I could talk in depth about all of the fabulous emotions and cool people I met while doing these large races but the truth is they last a few hours and it's all over.  Meanwhile I logged hours upon hours of TRAINING...running and working out in the hot, cold, rain, and even ice.  TRAINING even when all I wanted to do was lay in bed an extra few minutes or I was "too sore" or had "too much to do." I would not TRADE that time or the miles that I put in for anything.  I have learned to become more disciplined in various areas of my life. TRAINING is usually when I have my most intimate conversations with the Lord and where I puzzle through heart issues and tangible challenges that I'm facing.  Throughout the late Spring / early Summer I didn't have any large races to prepare for and something really strange happened...

4.  TRIATHLON.  Of all things in the world, I had less than no desire to complete a TRIATHLON.   Think about that...less than no desire.  The local running store in Danville, VA where I purchase my running shoes is also a TRIATHLON store.  I sneered at the wet suits, goggles, and fins.  Bikes should have baskets on them with cute puppies.  These people who try to conquer three separate disciplines at once are crazy / have a serious death wish.  My darling Mama comes up with crazy rants and raves at times.  She decided once I began to run that she would never allow me to compete in anything crazy like a TRIATHLON.  Something about that conversation changed my mind about doing a TRI.  :) I began to swim (a little but now a lot) and bike (with my boo) once a week.  I also stepped up my strength training.  I fell in love with my TRI training even more than my long runs because it was challenging yet showed immediate results.  My run times improved and I lost several inches of cushion.  :) That being said, the parts that I treasure and hold dear out of my TRI training and the 2 TRIATHLONS I competed in this year were sharing those experiences with sweet friends.  I would not TRADE the conversations I had on the bike with my boo or being there when she placed 3rd overall in our age group for anything.  I may have been slow in the pack but I will never forget my first attempts at the beast known as TRIATHLON and sharing the feeling of getting it done with my boo, Heather, and even John.  :) I'm already looking forward to getting in gear for the 2014 season.        

If you read carefully through the first part of the blog you will see things that I wouldn't TRADE for anything in this world.  I would gladly trade all the "t" words in #5.  

5. TEARFUL-TAXING-TRYING-TUMULTUOUS.  Each year has its own set of TRYING circumstances. Lots of my volunteers across the district have struggled through foul farming weather, sickness, and death this year.  Some of my closest friends and members of my immediate family have gone through hell this year dealing with financial issues, doubts, fears, relationship problems, more sickness, and yes...death.  All of this has broken my heart in half.  Call it a blessing or a curse but when people that I care about hurt whether they like it or not... whether I visibly show it or not... I'm hurting right there too.  (Galatians 6:2)
I have felt the weight of sickness and death this year firsthand as Mikey has dealt with first his daddy struggling through cardiac issues,  and then his mother being diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks of metastasized ovarian cancer.  Now Granma will have triple bypass surgery on Christmas Eve.  I have a hip injury that is preventing me from TRAINING and cost me running in my first full marathon. September - December have sucked...yes I said it... sucked in the Johnson household with the exceptions of some good food and great company which make all the sucking bearable (see #6).  
On my knees, my heart is torn in two directions.  Part of me begs for Him to make it all stop.  Please stop all the hurting that the people I love are going through.  The other half says please give us the strength in You to bear what is before us.  Please God give me the strength to be an encouragement because right now I don't feel like I have the strength left to do anything but sit here and cry and writhe in my own ish and insecurities. Then I realize that this is the point where I'm my strongest... relying on His strength and not my own...and that everything unpleasant about 2013 is going to work out and everybody is going to be ok even if it takes some time.

6. TENDER. Not steak tender. There aren't many "t" words available that express love or are relationship oriented.  Throughout all the good and bad drama this year, there has been an outpouring of love and support from lots of different groups of people.  I won't mention them all specifically but I am so thankful for each of you.  I have a wonderful supportive family that I become more and more grateful for as each year passes.  We are crazy and sometimes dysfunctional but I wouldn't TRADE any of them....not even Mike.  :) Since August I've developed relationships with some amazing women at church through a bible study.  They have TAUGHT me a great deal about walking in relationship with Christ, about who I am, and what kind of person I want to be.  I desire to be a Barnabas to others.  :) 2013 afforded me the opportunity to grow further in relationship with some of my already dearest friends.  We shared in life changing events, held each other through trials and tears, and celebrated being young and dumb whenever possible.  They have opened my eyes to something I need to work on in 2014... TRUST.

7.  2013 has been a lot of THINGS but maybe the most important THING that has happened is I have developed a THIRST for the TRUTH daily.  I will spend the rest of my life searching and clinging to the TRUTH, and I am aware of how difficult that may be at times.  I'm TIRED of lying to myself about circumstances in my heart that I should have moved on from years ago and I desire to speak TRUTH into other people's lives just as I hope they will speak into mine.  I'm not talking about what we may feel or perceive to be TRUTH because feelings and perceptions are fleeting.  God's TRUTH is steady and permanent.

8.  A year of TESTIMONY. (This is word for word what I wrote in 2010 and it still applies today.)  Through all that has happened... good, bad, awesome, or ugly I have increasingly become aware of God's presence even in the smallest details of my life. Looking back I can see that when all I poured out was bitterness or disappointment in people, he surrounded me by others that were faithful and loving. When I went through difficult personal times, He gave me peace and an amazing support system to help get me through. Peace doesn't mean that the physical or emotional pain were absent, but He reminded me that He is in control and that He only wants to do what's best for me regardless of how hard it may be at the time. I've watched Him answer prayers regarding loved ones, guide people down paths they never imagined going down... God has used all of the events of this year to guide me closer to Him and I am so incredibly THANKFUL.

Thanks for everything in '13! I can't wait to see what's in store for us in '14! :)

"I'll be home for Christmas..."

Everybody knows everybody including you, your brother, Mama, and cousin twice removed.  If you had an epic fail in high school, count on it being relived 15 years later as if it happened yesterday.  When you walk into a store they know you by name and what you’re coming in for.  Others understand the fact that you’re supposed to be sweet and outgoing but when you take your shoes and earrings off it’s about to go down.  Brunswick stew is a meal by itself…and if you don’t want to piss off all the little old ladies (that you are related to) then you will buy quarts of stew from every fire department and church within a 20 mile radius.  It’s the Courthouse in the square, with bells that still ring on the hour.  It’s freshly plowed fields of red dirt.  In the summer, it’s the smell of tobacco curing in the field.  It’s a gentle breeze with the sounds of crickets at night.  It’s abandoned cotton mills and old train trestles.  It’s a small main street with buildings that haven’t been touched in years.  It’s the muddy Dan River gently curving along on its way from the mountains to the coast.  It’s cows grazing on the side of the hill.  It’s the smell of the wood stove burning on a cool night.  It’s the smell of grass after a hot day and how you can smell the rain coming hours before it arrives.  It’s home.

Something about Christmas time makes me long to go home aka Pelham… a fire department, post office, and 2 miles of road in rural northwestern Caswell County.  I've lived in or around Raleigh for the past 11 years, and in many ways it has become “home” but the beauty and comforts of rural Caswell County and southern Virginia hold a special place in my soul.  Christmas has always been a special time for me and that was initiated in my 17 years of life there.  We would spend days making cookies and homemade ornaments with my granma.  My parents used to prepare breakfast on Christmas Day for my entire immediate family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins) and all of the people that live on our street (also family haha).  It was stressful and busy but there was always lots of excitement (like the year my aunt spent the night and got drunk with “Santa”) and laughter.

This year for various reasons I have had a tough time getting in the swing of Christmas.  I have enjoyed my tree, purchased gifts…even took the time to wrap them.  I have planned out a fairly simple but what I expect to be tasty meal for Christmas Day, and have all my baking for the neighbors and other family functions lined up.  I’m going through the motions.  I’m not miserable but I’m not thrilled either, and that’s no way to close out this year.  So I packed up and went to Caswell County for a night seeking some respite and this is what I found.        

These pictures do not do the place justice.  For years, my family has traveled to this small piece of property at the end of the County to look at the Casville Christmas lights.  When we first started going there were very few people that came out but now it attracts visitors from all across the U.S. and there are hundreds of people that come out every night during the holiday season.  The lights are absolutely beautiful but there is an obvious message.  The family that does the lights was a local gospel quartet and they use the lights as a way to share the gospel of Christ with everyone that attends.  I noticed as I looked around that people coming through were not in a hurry.  There was no shouting, crying, or rude behavior.  As I've gotten older a lot of the “magic” of Christmas has faded but it has been replaced with an understanding of what this season is truly about and for that I am thankful.  This understanding has not dimmed my desire to seek out and be surrounded by the people that I love and do things (i.e. give gifts, prepare food, etc.) that express that love.  Rather it has given me a deeper appreciation for the blessings of grace, love and friendship which goes beyond the most expensive, greatest gift ever and yes…even Mama's gravy smothered over some juicy piece of meat.

Yesterday afternoon after I arrived home we received news that Mike’s grandmother had a pretty serious cardiac episode and has been put in the hospital with anticipated triple bypass surgery.  Granma is a spry 87 years old.  If I didn't know better I’d swear she was 60 and probably set to outlive all of us.  She has a love for life and is just as downright country as you can get.  She’s also my fave member of Mike’s immediate family.  She accepted me as her granddaughter from the moment Mike and I were wed without question.  After my own beloved granma died in 2009 she is my only granma left.  Today as I thought about her I decided there are basically 3 kinds of women in my life:  

1.) Girls that I have little desire to be around because they are things I don’t want to be.  Ask me about it sometime.  

2.) Women that I’m growing up with.  These are the chicks that I go to with stupid and / or serious questions.  We celebrate our life victories and deal with the failures.  We are basically raising each other and learning how to be big girls together so that we can become.......

3.) The women I (we) want to be like when I (we) grow up.

There are some overlaps between #2 and #3 and some people that fit best at #1.5.  If you question your number let’s talk about it.  Granma definitely falls into #3.  She tells me stories about the past…always with some kind of cool lesson and she makes the. best. collards, cornbread, and fried chicken you ever laid your lips on.  She fixes a plate of cornbread and a pot of coffee without fail every time I go to visit her.  Selfless and quick to laugh but will you tell you like it is in a minute.  In light of all that has happened with Mike’s family in the past 3 months this news was a serious blow to our already weak hearts. 

This evening as I sat in God’s word I realized that visiting the lights felt good but it didn't dissolve my anxieties.   Running home, however comfortable, is not going to solve my problems or make them go away.  I was reminded of Who I should be seeking to handle these things because I am obviously not doing so well on my own.  I was also reminded that my house whether in Pelham or Wake Forest, is just a location.  Sure, there are some great memories surrounding those places but what makes them so special and sentimental revolves around the people that are there.  I believe home is truthfully where your heart is.  For me that means it’s resting in the Lord and residing with the people I love.  So…whether in heaven, in Caswell County, Wake Forest, across NC, or the southeast I will be home for Christmas.