Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers,
Greetings from a fellow food officianato. No, I do not own a house on your overpriced golf course. I live in the "hick" town right up the road. It's pronounced "Roseville" spelled "Rolesville." Why yes, even rednecks enjoy high quality steaks and specialty spices and not just natty light and beanie weenies. Sorry I'm not dressed in jacks and I left my Louis V at home. Adidas running shorts and camouflage crocks are just gonna have to do. Yes, I am wearing my Raybans. Inside. While I'm shopping. It's not bright in here. I'm not planning to pull a gun and rob your precious store. I'm just too lazy to take them off and put them away. Stop staring. Awkward.
Little girl at the meat counter, your kids are just too cute. I'm impressed how one is hanging from it's leg strap in the cart and the other one is licking every package of raw meat it can get its little hands on, but you've not a spilled a drop of your coffee. Is that a non-fat, sugar free, double shot caramel latte? I can smell success from a mile away. I can see it in your face that you're stressed and you're having a moment... just you and your latte. But if you could just scooch your buggy over one foot we can both have a moment picking out what steaks we're going to grill tonight. I might even pick your sticky kid up off the floor for you when he falls on his head.
If grocery isles were like roads, fellow shoppers, I would feel as if I were in India in a traffic jam. Seriously? Move to the side and then look at what you need to rather than pulling your cart horizontal and blocking the whole path. If there are 20 people on one isle, one or two more is one or two too much. Why are you just standing there in front of the waffles texting when you see me standing here waiting politely for you to finish??!!! Y'all are giving me buggy rage.
Granny... can I call you granny? There are approximately 27 boxes of fake yellow cake mix on this shelf. There are so many boxes that some of them are dusty from how long they have been here. While I am impressed at how you made eye contact and sprinted down the isle to grab the one I had my hand on... not necessary.
People of the teet, I love the free samples as much as the next person but let's be real. When you go and open a pack of paper plates on isle 10 to fix yourself mini sandwiches from the free artisan bread, cheese, deli meat, and fruit samples... we have a problem. Go home and fix you a meal. (P.S. There are pieces of banana nut and blueberry muffin for dessert on isle 2. Delicous.)
Little checkout dude, if I were 16 I'd totally crush on you. Actually, I would be completely embarrassed at how unabashedly you are staring at every woman's rear end who is walking by your station rather than paying attention to what you're doing. If you place my eggs and bread in with canned goods and they are crushed I will come back and hunt you down.
I'm just gonna swing by the free wine samples on my way out. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Hangry PMSing woman in the Raybans
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