Dear Summer lovers,
No one loves the summer time more than I do. Some would describe me as cold blooded (literally and emotionally) so hot humid conditions do not phase me in the least. I'm like a lizard laying out on a rock. Don't get me wrong, Autumn is still my favorite with it's warm days and crisp nights, but when the days are running long and cold beverages are involved I'm a happy camper.
Having said that there are few of my brethren out there I'd like to have a quick word with so as to ensure we are all going to have a safe, comfortable, and relatively painless time as we celebrate the season.
1.) Dear Baby Girls.... You've heard me say it before, you're going to hear me say it again. You are all beautiful but sometimes you need to leave some things to the imagination. Let me speak plainly, put some clothes on. Yes, I'm jealous you can hide your phone, cash, credit cards, and a taser in your cleavage. I know you're hiding it there because your shirt is almost open to your knees or your bikini top is more like two eye patches. Please do all your sisters and mature brothers a favor and put those twins away before they hurt somebody...most likely you. You're sending the wrong message about who you are and what you really want which is likely just someone to like you, tell you that you're lovely, and valuable. We don't need to visit with the "twins" to figure that out. Also, I don't care how much you profess to be working on your fitness, those lacey booty shorts are not biking shorts. You're going to catch a chaff so harsh you won't want anyone to look or touch. I'm just saying.
2.) Couples at the pool.... I'm so glad y'all found one another. I'm glad there is "chemistry" in your relationship. But latching on to your significant other and riding them like a sea sponge around the pool while my babies are splashing in their floaties two feet away kind of makes me cringe. Furthermore, pinning them up against the pool wall really should be something reserved for behind closed doors. Again, some things need to be left to the imagination. Most people do not want the images of your PDA burned into their retinas while they're sipping poolside, and let's be real... aren't there enough fluids already swimming around in that pool? Again, I'm just saying please, please have some modesty and decency.
3.) Final shout out to my sun worshipers out there... I love a good tan as much as the next person. I remember laying in the sun for hours growing up and getting deep, nice brown tans. A little color never hurt anyone. I must say though as I have gotten old(er) I've grown more cautious about intentionally working on my tan. Watching several good friends, some younger than I, have cancerous spots removed and now seeing the wrinkles, freckles, and sunspots popping up on my body from my young and fun days, I would encourage you to put on some sunscreen or invest in a good umbrella. I don't want my nice leather MK bag to blend in with you while we're out shopping together. Capiche?
Keep a couple of cold beverages and a hot dog in the fridge for me ok? Y'all are always welcome to come by for a nice ice cream treat or some cool lemonade if you're out this way. Around here we don't lock the doors when crazy shows up. We invite it up on the porch and break out the good stuff.
Happy summer compadres!
LJ
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Letters from Lendy: Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers....
Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers,
Greetings from a fellow food officianato. No, I do not own a house on your overpriced golf course. I live in the "hick" town right up the road. It's pronounced "Roseville" spelled "Rolesville." Why yes, even rednecks enjoy high quality steaks and specialty spices and not just natty light and beanie weenies. Sorry I'm not dressed in jacks and I left my Louis V at home. Adidas running shorts and camouflage crocks are just gonna have to do. Yes, I am wearing my Raybans. Inside. While I'm shopping. It's not bright in here. I'm not planning to pull a gun and rob your precious store. I'm just too lazy to take them off and put them away. Stop staring. Awkward.
Little girl at the meat counter, your kids are just too cute. I'm impressed how one is hanging from it's leg strap in the cart and the other one is licking every package of raw meat it can get its little hands on, but you've not a spilled a drop of your coffee. Is that a non-fat, sugar free, double shot caramel latte? I can smell success from a mile away. I can see it in your face that you're stressed and you're having a moment... just you and your latte. But if you could just scooch your buggy over one foot we can both have a moment picking out what steaks we're going to grill tonight. I might even pick your sticky kid up off the floor for you when he falls on his head.
If grocery isles were like roads, fellow shoppers, I would feel as if I were in India in a traffic jam. Seriously? Move to the side and then look at what you need to rather than pulling your cart horizontal and blocking the whole path. If there are 20 people on one isle, one or two more is one or two too much. Why are you just standing there in front of the waffles texting when you see me standing here waiting politely for you to finish??!!! Y'all are giving me buggy rage.
Granny... can I call you granny? There are approximately 27 boxes of fake yellow cake mix on this shelf. There are so many boxes that some of them are dusty from how long they have been here. While I am impressed at how you made eye contact and sprinted down the isle to grab the one I had my hand on... not necessary.
People of the teet, I love the free samples as much as the next person but let's be real. When you go and open a pack of paper plates on isle 10 to fix yourself mini sandwiches from the free artisan bread, cheese, deli meat, and fruit samples... we have a problem. Go home and fix you a meal. (P.S. There are pieces of banana nut and blueberry muffin for dessert on isle 2. Delicous.)
Little checkout dude, if I were 16 I'd totally crush on you. Actually, I would be completely embarrassed at how unabashedly you are staring at every woman's rear end who is walking by your station rather than paying attention to what you're doing. If you place my eggs and bread in with canned goods and they are crushed I will come back and hunt you down.
I'm just gonna swing by the free wine samples on my way out. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Hangry PMSing woman in the Raybans
Greetings from a fellow food officianato. No, I do not own a house on your overpriced golf course. I live in the "hick" town right up the road. It's pronounced "Roseville" spelled "Rolesville." Why yes, even rednecks enjoy high quality steaks and specialty spices and not just natty light and beanie weenies. Sorry I'm not dressed in jacks and I left my Louis V at home. Adidas running shorts and camouflage crocks are just gonna have to do. Yes, I am wearing my Raybans. Inside. While I'm shopping. It's not bright in here. I'm not planning to pull a gun and rob your precious store. I'm just too lazy to take them off and put them away. Stop staring. Awkward.
Little girl at the meat counter, your kids are just too cute. I'm impressed how one is hanging from it's leg strap in the cart and the other one is licking every package of raw meat it can get its little hands on, but you've not a spilled a drop of your coffee. Is that a non-fat, sugar free, double shot caramel latte? I can smell success from a mile away. I can see it in your face that you're stressed and you're having a moment... just you and your latte. But if you could just scooch your buggy over one foot we can both have a moment picking out what steaks we're going to grill tonight. I might even pick your sticky kid up off the floor for you when he falls on his head.
If grocery isles were like roads, fellow shoppers, I would feel as if I were in India in a traffic jam. Seriously? Move to the side and then look at what you need to rather than pulling your cart horizontal and blocking the whole path. If there are 20 people on one isle, one or two more is one or two too much. Why are you just standing there in front of the waffles texting when you see me standing here waiting politely for you to finish??!!! Y'all are giving me buggy rage.
Granny... can I call you granny? There are approximately 27 boxes of fake yellow cake mix on this shelf. There are so many boxes that some of them are dusty from how long they have been here. While I am impressed at how you made eye contact and sprinted down the isle to grab the one I had my hand on... not necessary.
People of the teet, I love the free samples as much as the next person but let's be real. When you go and open a pack of paper plates on isle 10 to fix yourself mini sandwiches from the free artisan bread, cheese, deli meat, and fruit samples... we have a problem. Go home and fix you a meal. (P.S. There are pieces of banana nut and blueberry muffin for dessert on isle 2. Delicous.)
Little checkout dude, if I were 16 I'd totally crush on you. Actually, I would be completely embarrassed at how unabashedly you are staring at every woman's rear end who is walking by your station rather than paying attention to what you're doing. If you place my eggs and bread in with canned goods and they are crushed I will come back and hunt you down.
I'm just gonna swing by the free wine samples on my way out. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Hangry PMSing woman in the Raybans
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