My Thirteen Tantrum

Each year during the Christmas season I sit down and compose a "year in review" of sorts.  I try to get it done before the rush of the back to back holidays.  Sorry I'm flooding your facebook, blogger, twitter, e-mail, etc with back to back random rambles.  Settle in...this is a long one.

In "t"wo "t"housand and "t"en I used a "t" theme where I used "t" words to describe how the year went.  I thought it fitting since it's "t"wo "t"housand and "t"hirteen to recycle that little "t"rick.  Sadly I am not very creative or original so I stole a lot of the same "t" words and witty commentary from my old blog.  Oops...  I'll go ahead and recycle this little line while I'm at it... Before Christmas gets away from us and we move into a new year I would like to quote the butter queen, Paula Deen, and say, "From my house to yours lots of love and good dishes."

1. This has been a year for TRIPS and TRAVELLING particularly in my pickup TRUCK.  I TRADED my TRUCK last week for a smaller SUV.  The Great White was a faithful companion for all of 2013.  I spent a lot of time driving and riding hence the name of my blog...The Dashboard Diaries.  I successfully put 88,000 miles on the Great White before I turned her in.  I hope "Big Red" can keep me between the ditches in 2014.  In addition to driving around my 11 counties throughout the year, I also went to Florida, Virginia Beach, DC, Georgia, and Tennessee.  I went to Pennsylvania several times to celebrate with great friends on their nuptials.  :) I would be remiss if I left out the trips that I've made just around North Carolina and Virginia to visit good friends and family.  Wonderful memories and great times.  Strangely enough as much as I love to be on the go all of my TRAVELLING in the past few months have helped create a greater appreciation of coming home and being still.

2. TIARA.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a "princess" or a girly girl.  I like to wear make-up.  I own several cute black dresses and have been known to enjoy a pedicure on occasion.  BUT I also like to wear ripped jeans, boots, and t-shirts.  I have zero issue sweating because I surely don't 'glisten' and I can get my hands dirty too.  TIARA is in reference to a moment in my life where I actually felt 100% proud of myself...completing the 2013 Disney Princess Half Marathon in February.  I may have looked like a princess at the starting line in my cute skirt and bow but I looked like a warrior at the end drenched in sweat after 13.1 miles in high humidity.  Totally worth it and someday I hope to go back and do it again.

3.  TRAINING.  When I began running in Spring of 2012 I had no desire to complete a half marathon let alone would I ever have expected that I would enjoy it! Following the Disney Princess race I ran in 2 other half marathons -- the Run Raleigh Half in April and the Rock 'n Roll Savannah Half in November.  The Run Raleigh Half was tough.  I had not TRAINED like I should since it was right on the heels of the Disney race but I trudged it out and even managed to improve my time.  The Savannah race was a blast and I'm thinking I will likely run it again in 2014 if God is willing.  I could talk in depth about all of the fabulous emotions and cool people I met while doing these large races but the truth is they last a few hours and it's all over.  Meanwhile I logged hours upon hours of TRAINING...running and working out in the hot, cold, rain, and even ice.  TRAINING even when all I wanted to do was lay in bed an extra few minutes or I was "too sore" or had "too much to do." I would not TRADE that time or the miles that I put in for anything.  I have learned to become more disciplined in various areas of my life. TRAINING is usually when I have my most intimate conversations with the Lord and where I puzzle through heart issues and tangible challenges that I'm facing.  Throughout the late Spring / early Summer I didn't have any large races to prepare for and something really strange happened...

4.  TRIATHLON.  Of all things in the world, I had less than no desire to complete a TRIATHLON.   Think about that...less than no desire.  The local running store in Danville, VA where I purchase my running shoes is also a TRIATHLON store.  I sneered at the wet suits, goggles, and fins.  Bikes should have baskets on them with cute puppies.  These people who try to conquer three separate disciplines at once are crazy / have a serious death wish.  My darling Mama comes up with crazy rants and raves at times.  She decided once I began to run that she would never allow me to compete in anything crazy like a TRIATHLON.  Something about that conversation changed my mind about doing a TRI.  :) I began to swim (a little but now a lot) and bike (with my boo) once a week.  I also stepped up my strength training.  I fell in love with my TRI training even more than my long runs because it was challenging yet showed immediate results.  My run times improved and I lost several inches of cushion.  :) That being said, the parts that I treasure and hold dear out of my TRI training and the 2 TRIATHLONS I competed in this year were sharing those experiences with sweet friends.  I would not TRADE the conversations I had on the bike with my boo or being there when she placed 3rd overall in our age group for anything.  I may have been slow in the pack but I will never forget my first attempts at the beast known as TRIATHLON and sharing the feeling of getting it done with my boo, Heather, and even John.  :) I'm already looking forward to getting in gear for the 2014 season.        

If you read carefully through the first part of the blog you will see things that I wouldn't TRADE for anything in this world.  I would gladly trade all the "t" words in #5.  

5. TEARFUL-TAXING-TRYING-TUMULTUOUS.  Each year has its own set of TRYING circumstances. Lots of my volunteers across the district have struggled through foul farming weather, sickness, and death this year.  Some of my closest friends and members of my immediate family have gone through hell this year dealing with financial issues, doubts, fears, relationship problems, more sickness, and yes...death.  All of this has broken my heart in half.  Call it a blessing or a curse but when people that I care about hurt whether they like it or not... whether I visibly show it or not... I'm hurting right there too.  (Galatians 6:2)
I have felt the weight of sickness and death this year firsthand as Mikey has dealt with first his daddy struggling through cardiac issues,  and then his mother being diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks of metastasized ovarian cancer.  Now Granma will have triple bypass surgery on Christmas Eve.  I have a hip injury that is preventing me from TRAINING and cost me running in my first full marathon. September - December have sucked...yes I said it... sucked in the Johnson household with the exceptions of some good food and great company which make all the sucking bearable (see #6).  
On my knees, my heart is torn in two directions.  Part of me begs for Him to make it all stop.  Please stop all the hurting that the people I love are going through.  The other half says please give us the strength in You to bear what is before us.  Please God give me the strength to be an encouragement because right now I don't feel like I have the strength left to do anything but sit here and cry and writhe in my own ish and insecurities. Then I realize that this is the point where I'm my strongest... relying on His strength and not my own...and that everything unpleasant about 2013 is going to work out and everybody is going to be ok even if it takes some time.

6. TENDER. Not steak tender. There aren't many "t" words available that express love or are relationship oriented.  Throughout all the good and bad drama this year, there has been an outpouring of love and support from lots of different groups of people.  I won't mention them all specifically but I am so thankful for each of you.  I have a wonderful supportive family that I become more and more grateful for as each year passes.  We are crazy and sometimes dysfunctional but I wouldn't TRADE any of them....not even Mike.  :) Since August I've developed relationships with some amazing women at church through a bible study.  They have TAUGHT me a great deal about walking in relationship with Christ, about who I am, and what kind of person I want to be.  I desire to be a Barnabas to others.  :) 2013 afforded me the opportunity to grow further in relationship with some of my already dearest friends.  We shared in life changing events, held each other through trials and tears, and celebrated being young and dumb whenever possible.  They have opened my eyes to something I need to work on in 2014... TRUST.

7.  2013 has been a lot of THINGS but maybe the most important THING that has happened is I have developed a THIRST for the TRUTH daily.  I will spend the rest of my life searching and clinging to the TRUTH, and I am aware of how difficult that may be at times.  I'm TIRED of lying to myself about circumstances in my heart that I should have moved on from years ago and I desire to speak TRUTH into other people's lives just as I hope they will speak into mine.  I'm not talking about what we may feel or perceive to be TRUTH because feelings and perceptions are fleeting.  God's TRUTH is steady and permanent.

8.  A year of TESTIMONY. (This is word for word what I wrote in 2010 and it still applies today.)  Through all that has happened... good, bad, awesome, or ugly I have increasingly become aware of God's presence even in the smallest details of my life. Looking back I can see that when all I poured out was bitterness or disappointment in people, he surrounded me by others that were faithful and loving. When I went through difficult personal times, He gave me peace and an amazing support system to help get me through. Peace doesn't mean that the physical or emotional pain were absent, but He reminded me that He is in control and that He only wants to do what's best for me regardless of how hard it may be at the time. I've watched Him answer prayers regarding loved ones, guide people down paths they never imagined going down... God has used all of the events of this year to guide me closer to Him and I am so incredibly THANKFUL.

Thanks for everything in '13! I can't wait to see what's in store for us in '14! :)

"I'll be home for Christmas..."

Everybody knows everybody including you, your brother, Mama, and cousin twice removed.  If you had an epic fail in high school, count on it being relived 15 years later as if it happened yesterday.  When you walk into a store they know you by name and what you’re coming in for.  Others understand the fact that you’re supposed to be sweet and outgoing but when you take your shoes and earrings off it’s about to go down.  Brunswick stew is a meal by itself…and if you don’t want to piss off all the little old ladies (that you are related to) then you will buy quarts of stew from every fire department and church within a 20 mile radius.  It’s the Courthouse in the square, with bells that still ring on the hour.  It’s freshly plowed fields of red dirt.  In the summer, it’s the smell of tobacco curing in the field.  It’s a gentle breeze with the sounds of crickets at night.  It’s abandoned cotton mills and old train trestles.  It’s a small main street with buildings that haven’t been touched in years.  It’s the muddy Dan River gently curving along on its way from the mountains to the coast.  It’s cows grazing on the side of the hill.  It’s the smell of the wood stove burning on a cool night.  It’s the smell of grass after a hot day and how you can smell the rain coming hours before it arrives.  It’s home.

Something about Christmas time makes me long to go home aka Pelham… a fire department, post office, and 2 miles of road in rural northwestern Caswell County.  I've lived in or around Raleigh for the past 11 years, and in many ways it has become “home” but the beauty and comforts of rural Caswell County and southern Virginia hold a special place in my soul.  Christmas has always been a special time for me and that was initiated in my 17 years of life there.  We would spend days making cookies and homemade ornaments with my granma.  My parents used to prepare breakfast on Christmas Day for my entire immediate family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins) and all of the people that live on our street (also family haha).  It was stressful and busy but there was always lots of excitement (like the year my aunt spent the night and got drunk with “Santa”) and laughter.

This year for various reasons I have had a tough time getting in the swing of Christmas.  I have enjoyed my tree, purchased gifts…even took the time to wrap them.  I have planned out a fairly simple but what I expect to be tasty meal for Christmas Day, and have all my baking for the neighbors and other family functions lined up.  I’m going through the motions.  I’m not miserable but I’m not thrilled either, and that’s no way to close out this year.  So I packed up and went to Caswell County for a night seeking some respite and this is what I found.        

These pictures do not do the place justice.  For years, my family has traveled to this small piece of property at the end of the County to look at the Casville Christmas lights.  When we first started going there were very few people that came out but now it attracts visitors from all across the U.S. and there are hundreds of people that come out every night during the holiday season.  The lights are absolutely beautiful but there is an obvious message.  The family that does the lights was a local gospel quartet and they use the lights as a way to share the gospel of Christ with everyone that attends.  I noticed as I looked around that people coming through were not in a hurry.  There was no shouting, crying, or rude behavior.  As I've gotten older a lot of the “magic” of Christmas has faded but it has been replaced with an understanding of what this season is truly about and for that I am thankful.  This understanding has not dimmed my desire to seek out and be surrounded by the people that I love and do things (i.e. give gifts, prepare food, etc.) that express that love.  Rather it has given me a deeper appreciation for the blessings of grace, love and friendship which goes beyond the most expensive, greatest gift ever and yes…even Mama's gravy smothered over some juicy piece of meat.

Yesterday afternoon after I arrived home we received news that Mike’s grandmother had a pretty serious cardiac episode and has been put in the hospital with anticipated triple bypass surgery.  Granma is a spry 87 years old.  If I didn't know better I’d swear she was 60 and probably set to outlive all of us.  She has a love for life and is just as downright country as you can get.  She’s also my fave member of Mike’s immediate family.  She accepted me as her granddaughter from the moment Mike and I were wed without question.  After my own beloved granma died in 2009 she is my only granma left.  Today as I thought about her I decided there are basically 3 kinds of women in my life:  

1.) Girls that I have little desire to be around because they are things I don’t want to be.  Ask me about it sometime.  

2.) Women that I’m growing up with.  These are the chicks that I go to with stupid and / or serious questions.  We celebrate our life victories and deal with the failures.  We are basically raising each other and learning how to be big girls together so that we can become.......

3.) The women I (we) want to be like when I (we) grow up.

There are some overlaps between #2 and #3 and some people that fit best at #1.5.  If you question your number let’s talk about it.  Granma definitely falls into #3.  She tells me stories about the past…always with some kind of cool lesson and she makes the. best. collards, cornbread, and fried chicken you ever laid your lips on.  She fixes a plate of cornbread and a pot of coffee without fail every time I go to visit her.  Selfless and quick to laugh but will you tell you like it is in a minute.  In light of all that has happened with Mike’s family in the past 3 months this news was a serious blow to our already weak hearts. 

This evening as I sat in God’s word I realized that visiting the lights felt good but it didn't dissolve my anxieties.   Running home, however comfortable, is not going to solve my problems or make them go away.  I was reminded of Who I should be seeking to handle these things because I am obviously not doing so well on my own.  I was also reminded that my house whether in Pelham or Wake Forest, is just a location.  Sure, there are some great memories surrounding those places but what makes them so special and sentimental revolves around the people that are there.  I believe home is truthfully where your heart is.  For me that means it’s resting in the Lord and residing with the people I love.  So…whether in heaven, in Caswell County, Wake Forest, across NC, or the southeast I will be home for Christmas.         

My Favorite Christmas Tradition

As the Christmas season approaches, I'm sure everyone has at least one special tradition or event  that they look forward to whether it be attending Christmas Eve church service, reading Twas' the Night Before Christmas, eggnog chugging contests, or in my family's case a good old fashion bear hunt.  For me, my favorite Christmas pastime is the giving and receiving of Christmas cards.

I have mailed Christmas cards annually since I graduated from undergrad pushing 8 years ago.  Growing up we exchanged cards at church but I don't remember sending them out... I'm sure Mama did.  She now writes a "newsletter" that she puts in the cards to fill everyone in on our lives.  It's rather entertaining and very sweet... way to go Mom haha.  More than one of you may raise an eyebrow at this little nugget of information, but it's the truth... sending out cards is very special to me and so is receiving messages from loved ones.  Mikey and I have had a card arch leading into the kitchen every year for the past 7 years.

In a time where social media and the internet reign supreme I enjoy sending and receiving actual paper and pen messages.  I'm thankful for Facebook, Twitter, and e-mail messages because they do allow me to send well wishes quickly and easily at little to no cost.  I can keep up with what's going on in people's lives with the click of a button...celebrating with them in good and sending them thoughts and prayers during the not so good.  But it's something about taking the time to write (or print) cards, stuff envelopes, and spend the moolah to mail these cards that means something more.  Maybe it's just the simple fact that with time being such a precious commodity these days the people you send these messages of love, gratitude, encouragement, forgiveness, or celebration to are worth a hour or two or three of your busy schedule.  I think it's an excellent way to reach out to family and friends that you may not get to see very often and who are still a meaningful and important part of your life.  I think it's also a great way to share the true message of the season... the birth and love of Christ and how we are to love and cherish one another. During a very lonely time of year for many people, a card or a letter can be a simple reminder that they are not alone.      

Christmas time is one of my favorite times of the year and I must admit that there is more than one special tradition that I look forward to during this time but I think it's also important to not lose sight of the fact that the advent season is also a time of reflection and repentance leading up to the joy and celebration of what this season is truly about... the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ.  Truth be told that while I do love Christmas, Easter is actually my absolute favorite season...sorrowing in His death, but rejoicing in His resurrection, and consequently my rebirth in Him.

I hope that you and your families have a very, very blessed Christmas season! If you'd like a Christmas card.. send me your address.  I'd be happy to share some love.  <3    

The Name Game

Today the elastic in my big girl panties broke and I decided to go public with the fact it frustrates me to no end when people do not take the time to understand that my name...however weird, unusual, or quirky it may be... is Lendy and that it is not ok when people do not take the time to call me that especially after I politely correct them multiple times.  WHEW! That was a mouthful.  First time offenders, fast food / Starbucks people that I never intend to see again...no harm no foul.  Everybody needs grace but when you are simply too lazy, too distracted, know me personally, have seen my name in print, or think that my name should be something other than what it is...the fact that you will not take the time to get my name right makes me feel disrespected.  My blood pressure hits the midway point which is high for my typical collected-ness.  The straw that broke the camel's back was this afternoon when I stopped in to check on a gift I ordered at a local store.  I had to complete an order form when I purchased it so my information was clearly on file.  The lady behind the counter asked for my name.  I politely , compliantly, and quietly (my public front) replied, "Lendy Johnson." After a few seconds she said, "I don't have a Wendy Johnson." Slight intake of breath..."It's Lendy.  L-e-n-d-y Johnson." Slight pause.  "I'm sorry ma'm I don't have Wendy or Lendy Johnson listed.  I do have Lindsay Johnson?" There are probably 1,000 Lindsay Johnson's in the greater Raleigh area but only 1 (maybe 2) Lendy's that I personally know of including myself.  Facepalm.  Sometimes my overactive imagination laughs at how I can get away with pretty much anything... I can just blame it on any one of my other identities Wendy, Lindsay, Linda, Leslie, Linday, Lyndee, Lindy, etc., etc.  Wendy and Lindsay are my go-to girl's when I want to be hateful.  Those are the names I get called the most.  God help the reputation of all you Wendy / Lindsay Johnsons out there. 

Ninety-five percent of the time I have difficulty dealing with the name game that I have played my entire life.  The other 5% offer some pretty entertaining stories.  I vividly remember coming home from vacation bible school at the age of 7 with a "Son" visor that we had glued little do-dads on during craft time.  Our teacher had wrote our names on the visors so we knew which one to take home.  She handed me my sun visor at the end of the day and while I recognized the fuzzy blue and yellow pom pom balls I had previously glued on I also noticed my name had changed to Linday.  I was so confused.  Was that my name now? Did she give me someone else's hat????  Where was my hat??? I was experiencing identity crisis / theft at age 7!! I still remember my Mama trying not to laugh as I cried about how my visor was lost or someone else took it after she explained that my name had not changed.  I refused to believe that my teacher had mispelled my name.   

My junior year of high school all of the cool kids were in the FFA and spent the majority of their time hanging out in the "ag department." My friends and I would eat lunch in the "ag office" or hang out in front of the building between classes.  Everyone knew everyone and as juniors we thought we were too cool for many of the freshmen who tried to come in and earn their spot on our turf.  There was a freshmen boy that always hung out after Agriscience class that got unmercifully picked on for not being the, "sharpest tool in the shed" but he did (does) have a kind heart.  One day he shyly admitted to one of my girlfriends that he had a big crush on a hot upper classman.  He said, "Uh well I think her name is Wendy... Wendy Beaman." I never lived that one down.  My friends got a riot out of this and so Wendy Beaman has messages written to her in my senior yearbook.  :)   

In the heat of my frustration I posted a status on Facebook announcing my hate of the name game.  I found out quickly that there are many of you that feel my pain.  Even people with seemingly "normal" names battle folks calling them pet names or nicknames that they never wanted.  There are people that go by abbreviated names or nick names that battle folks wanting to call them by their "formal" name.  I have to admit that I am the worst for giving people pet names.  My poor husband Mike has been permanently branded by most of my friends as "Mikey." I have a close friend I refer to as "boo." Another good friend I shared an office with is my "wifey" even though we are happily married, straight ladies.  I have several Jennifers that became Jenn's.  My dog's name is Bella but we call her "Pookie." At work there is Mac Daddy, Ms. Tripp, Meg, Shon, Real-lo... wow that makes us sound like a gang rather than a group of professionals.  If anyone out there that has been given a title they didn't like...please let it be made known.  There is no room for politeness on this issue.  I would hate to make anyone feel the consternation I feel when people don't get my name right.... and obviously others feel the same way. 

Here's a kernel of truth / my unsolicited advice on this issue...If you don't know how to pronounce a person's name or know what they want to be called...my suggestion would be to just ask.  It may feel awkward but most likely they'll appreciate it and you won't feel like an idiot when they correct you.  If you do mess up and get their name wrong, have the decency to pay attention (hard right?) and get their name right the next time.     

The Steel Trap

After long runs I usually lay under the high power lines that run beside of the river trail and stretch my body.  There is an audible sizzle from the lines as they send electricity to 1000's of people living in North Raleigh and throughout Wake County.  Throughout my entire run my mind has been thumping just as hard as my body... what's going to happen tomorrow...I can't believe she said that to me...I wonder if I did the right thing on that... Those moments under the power lines are my moments of solitude where everything seeps out and I get a brief flash of what could be called clarity.

I see birds sitting on the line staring down at me and I think...lately my thought life is for the birds.

What is your thought life? I guess it's different for each person.  For me it's inner noise....emotions, feelings, thoughts, to do lists, what if's, what nexts all competing...even yelling over each other at times...to be the center of my attention.  Not all inner noise is bad.  Paul the apostle tells the Philippians, "Finally, brethren whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virture and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things." For believers a lot of that means we should be meditating on God, His goodness, mercies, and blessings.  I have so many praiseworthy things going on for me that I frequently tell people that I am divinely favored.  So why is it that I spend nights awake in bed dwelling on harsh words with loved ones, stress from the things left undone at work, how dirty my dishes are, burdens for other people, insecurities, and my shortcomings?

It makes me tired just reading this list.

I think it's easy for negativity and stress to creep into our minds and hearts and instead of coping as we need to and trying to move on we become comfortable.  Pain and comfort are opposites but there are those pet issues...for me usually insecurities... that we hold on to and when we need something to distract us we dial it up and set (Caswell Co for 'sit') comfortably in the dark feeling sorry for ourselves.  We're frozen into who we were instead of living out who we are and looking forward to who we're becoming.  Boo affectionately calls this concept the, "Cul de Sac of Stupidity" and I dare any of you to say that you've never made the circle once or twice yourselves.  The fact of the matter is that as we turn to these issues and try to "manage" them ourselves, or refuse to give them up we are saying that He's not good enough.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I want to make my mind like a solid steel trap... One that captures the good, constructive things yet keeps the negative or inappropriate thoughts out.  A mind capable of looking outward beyond my own selfish ish and wants to be a blessing and encouragement to others.  Just like forgiveness, grief, and so many other things in life... this is a process and it takes a great deal of grace and self control for it to work.  Thank God we have support through Him and our loved ones on the journey.        

Highway 29

I think everyone is officially ready for my feast week aka my birthday to end.  If I eat one more sweet or fried piece of delicousness I might as well kiss my months of training good bye because I will likely not move from the couch for a very long time.  Needless to say...birthday 29 was pretty epic and I've been thinking all week on how to capture it all into an epic blog. 

Turning 29 was not nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be.  I remember when I turned 25 I was almost depressed.  Hitting 25 meant I could no longer claim I made stupid mistakes because I was young and dumb, and I was no longer in my "early 20's".  I was ever so much more closer to the dreaded 3-0.  Just like that song, "... I remember when 30 was old."  I had been married, working, and doing post-graduate studies work for 3 years.  I joked with my friends in graduate school that I would turn 25 again every year until I turned 30.  This past Tuesday I opened my arms wide and embraced 29 wholeheartedly.  I have had 29 wonderful, blessed, challenging years and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me in the next 29.  30 is going to be even better.  :) 

This year my birthday fell on a weekday and unlike last year I had an important meeting scheduled for work that night.  Everyone asked if I could take vacation or have someone else cover the meeting, but it just wasn't a responsibility I could blow off.  I took the morning off to basically hang out and do some things that I wanted to do.  I had breakfast with Katie Murray, I did a 4 mile run, had lunch with my mama and brother, took a nap... and maybe most importantly I let all of the stress and anxiety of the past few weeks fall to the wayside.  When it came time for me to head to my meeting I didn't dread going or wish that I was anywhere else but there.  My night was spent with the Board of Directors of the Caswell Co Farm Bureau.  Years ago before I ever dreamed that I would work for the Bureau, this same group of men and women supported me financially and otherwise in most of my high school FFA experiences.  My family was poor.  I didn't play sports, wear namebrand clothes, drive nice new vehicles, and we didn't have money for me to trapise off on school related trips every few months.  Without the support of this Board...and some others... I wouldn't have had many experiences that have totally shaped me and placed me where I am today.  Tuesday night wasn't work... it was going to spend time with a very important portion of my Bureau family...my home folks.  The ones who knew me and supported me before I became their field rep.  They bought me a beautiful cake and we had a smooth meeting.  Other than a bellyache from all of the crazy food I ate that day... I can't remember a time where I felt more blessed and divinely favored.

Caswell Co Farm Bureau Board of Directors and me on the Birthday :)

 

Chicken Cake

Over the years I've had other great birthday experiences.  When I turned 16 I had just competed on the State winning Poultry Judging team for FFA.  My Mama thought it would be fun to put a chicken on my birthday cake.  The lady who baked and decorated my cake gave my chicken 4 legs because drumsticks were sold in packs of 4 at Food Lion.  We laughed and laughed for years about that.  When I turned 18 my suitemates put flyers all over NCSU campus about me turning legal.  At 26 my office wife and company (Michael Coley) seran wrapped my desk and filled it with balloons.  Some of the best birthday celebrations I've had were not actually held on my birthday.  Several birthdays have been celebrated at National FFA Convention, the State Fair, group dinners, coffee dates, lunches, and get togethers.  For the past 2 years, my office wife has come up the weekend after my birthday and we've had family dinner with my Mikey, Mama, and Phillip. After 2 years of skyping on birthdays my boo was here to join this year too. My family will hold it's annual Octoberfest next weekend to celebrate all of the October birthdays with cake, skeet shooting, maybe a little beer, brunswick stew, and BBQ.   

Suites on my 18th Birthday :)

Epic little Birthday prank by my grad school fam year 26!

Every year people give me junk about not knowing what to get me as a gift.  I'm here to tell you that after 29 years the common theme is cake and quality time with the people I love.  I received so many, many Facebook posts, phone calls, texts, tweets, messages, and e-mails from people wishing me well throughout the day. You have no idea how much those sentiments mean to me.  Those are the only gifts I could ask, want, or hope for.  No jeans, earrings, gadgets, thumping music, expensive dinners, or fabulous trips can compare to the love and memories I've been blessed with.  Thank you :)

Year 29...best yet!

       

Taking Inventory

Guess what... I'm procrastinating.  Procrastinating from writing mounds of thank you notes.  I've already penned 20 and have at least 20 more to go...oh thank you notes.  I've been putting off writing the thank you cards for the family and friends that brought food, made a memorial contribution, sent warm thoughts, visited, or prayed for us through Mikey's mama's illness and death.  There isn't a how-to manual to help you prepare for the necessary etiquette that should take place when an immediate family member dies.  I've never been much on etiquette anyway but I've learned that in the traditional backwood south if there is a wedding or a death then it's mostly up to the women to take care of writing the thank you's and taking care of the formalities.  I've spent more than one night leading up to and during the week of Mrs. Johnson's death.... sitting at the the kitchen table crying because I feel like such a kid and that no one should have to face such a thing... especially my sweet sensitive husband.  And I cried over how blessed we both are to have God given amazing friends and family to support us through something like this. So why can't I get the gumption to write these cards?  I'm just not sure.

Approximately a week after we put Mike's mama to rest I was standing at the front of a church serving as a witness as a dear friend pledged her life to a great man in the presence of God and His church.  We were all wearing our cowgirl boots...the most comfortable shoes I've ever had for a wedding.  None of the dresses matched...no tuxes...nothing about the ceremony was excessive but everything was laced with divine love.

All these life events...coupled with multiple surprise pregnancy announcements... have made me want to stop and take inventory.  Yesterday as we drove home from my office wife's wedding I had 8 long hours to reflect about pretty much everything.  I thought about how often in the past 4-5 months I can only see how things are going wrong, how people have slighted me or someone I care about, how hurt I am over things that happened in the past, how people have changed and our relationship is no longer the same...and it hit me that there was a common theme... the word "I" and that my friends is a problem.

I've been taking a disciple class on Monday mornings with a group of women at church.  I am the youngest lady in the class but you would never be able to tell by the way the other ladies act towards me.  They are so inclusive and encouraging and being with them is such a blessing.  We happen to be studying the Holy Spirit and one thing I've learned is that the Holy Spirit can not fill me up and use me if I am already full of myself.  I can't be the wife, family member, and friend that I want to be and God intends me to be if all I can focus on is myself and my self righteousness.  I used to think that I was selfless and that when bad things happened or people hurt my feelings I was strong enough to handle the pain and pressure and move forward.  After multiple face plants, tears, blessings, and finally in big bold print at study hour I am learning that the strength to move forward and to truly love others is only through the power of the Spirit.  As we study about being bold in our witness to others I have to say that the love, support, and kindness of the many people... especially my closest friends and family... and all others that I've visited with whether it was in the memorial line or in the wedding receiving line, have been a testimony to His divine love and and truly an inspiration for me to want to be better than I am.                

An uncomfortable subject...

If you're faint of heart or do not like to deal with unpleasant thoughts go ahead and change channels.  This blog may be a tough read, but probably not as tough as it is to write.  Few people want to talk about what they would do if they were faced with their demise or the loss of someone they love.  Death is a given in our lives like breathing or eating or any other mundane thing that we may take for granted but it doesn't make for pleasant dinner conversation does it?  

Mike's mama has had an extremely difficult year.  They unexpectedly found cancer growing in her uterus right before Christmas and she immediately underwent a complete hysterectomy and began preventative radiation treatments.  Up until that point, she had served as the caretaker for Mike's dad who has been in fairly poor health since Mike was in college.  He has been in and out of the hospital since July, 2012 with heart issues in addition to dealing with the after effects of a transplanted kidney and liver.  She is a tough lady!  I've never thought she particularly cared for me...I stole her only child...her baby boy!! That being said...I've never developed false hope that we would become big buddies and go shopping together or trade recipes or do things together but in rare moments of intimacy she confided in me about things that happened in the past and how she was never one to be warm and fuzzy but she loved me anyway.  She definitely has never held back about how I'm not popping out any grandchildren for her!! Since her surgery Mike and I have visited with her twice and she seemed ok until we received news that she was in the hospital for an emergency procedure to open a blockage in an artery that runs to her brain.  She came home but just this week was put back in due to dehydration which come to find out was caused by a tumor pressing on her colon and making her not want to eat or drink.  My wifey put it best, "How much can one person go through?"

Mrs. Johnson is absolutely not one of the most positive people in the world so she has already begun to make plans for the what if's that no one wants to talk about, which is a logical step I guess.  This is what kills me... She doesn't want a funeral or a service.  She just wants to be cremated and be done. No friends or family or worship.  That's it....Done.

When Mike told me this I was pretty taken aback.  My first question was why? I get that your life house has expired...you're no longer there... but I guess part of me thinks that there should be more closure than that.  Your final send off isn't exactly designed for your enjoyment.  It's more to to allow other people to come pay their last respects and show love and support to your family.  I know there will be people that read this and say that it's none of my business...these are HER wishes and not Lendy's wishes, and I'm sure she has her reasons for this decision.  Regardless it completely unnerved me.  Her life...which is still not over btw....has made a difference to countless Kindergartners that she helped color and learn how to count in the classroom.  She is known throughout the community, has friends, and of course her family.  Her life has made a contribution and it deserves some form of public acknowledgement if things do not work out in my not so humble opinion.  I have to say it here because I don't have the guts to tell her in person...I think she could still take me if she wanted to.  Doesn't have to be a blowout bash or sad funeral dirge.  Which while we're here let me just say I want all of y'all to celebrate if something happens to me.  Either celebrate that I've gone to meet my King and any positive things...love, laughter, and fun that we had....celebrate that you're alive and the Lord still has a purpose for you to fulfill....or just come to celebrate the fact that you're rid of me haha...either way.  I told Mike to be sure y'all ate lots of fried food in my honor and to bury me in Pelham next to the train tracks so my body will return back to the red dirt with the trains hollering nearby...exactly how me and multiple generations of my family grew up.      

The prognosis for Mrs. Johnson is seemingly not good.  This tumor is aggressive and her body is weak. Mike and I have faith that we serve a BIG God...one who is bigger than broken bodies and crushed spirits...Eternal and Almighty.  He is going to take care of this situation whether it be physical healing or the ultimate healing.  Then there's the selfish moments with me crying in the corner because I'm weak and I don't know how to respond to the demands in this moment.  Yeah I'm dramatic but it's true.  I told my boo today that I'm a wreck...I'm not mature enough to deal with what is going on and what could be coming ahead.  I have no idea how to comfort Mike who always seems so strong and typically holds me together, and who is also an emotional avoider.  I'm desperately coveting your prayers.  Please pray for Mrs. J and her healing, and wisdom for the doctors that are trying to help her.  Pray for comfort for Mike and his Daddy as they have to face all these what if's and please pray that I will be lead to be the wife that Mike needs me to be in the days ahead no matter what happens.

Antsy August

As a reward for my insane productivity today I am composing a second blog in one day.  I figure that while I have the chance and I can take an extra breath I might as well.

This afternoon I met with the Young Farmer & Rancher (YF&R) program team leader (Shon), the committee chairperson for the NCSU YF&R program, and the two university supervisors to discuss the upcoming schedule of events for our collegiate program.  Collegiate YF&R at NCSU, Mt. Olive College, and NC. A&T are "clubs" designed to tie young people back to agriculture, introduce them to bureau life, and are managed by the team that I serve on at work.  We had a lovely lunch but I must admit that I was distracted the entire time.  We were meeting at a little restaurant in Cameron Village near NCSU campus and with it being the first day of class all I could think about was how badly I wanted to at least walk through Ricks hall.  After lunch I walked over to my fave running store just to look around and then drove over to my favorite coffee shop to work but all I could think about was school.  To be honest I haven't thought much about school since May of 2011.  With the exception of keeping up with my grad school friends much of the research and coursework that I completed is hazy at best.  But today my heart longed to be working on a project or studying for some kind of exam.  I tried to remind myself how much I loathed moodle discussion posts and how much sleep I lost typing out 110 pages of seemingly pointless research, but nothing seemed to dull the ache.

I truly have no desire to go back into a teaching role but I've found myself pondering if there was some kind of course(s) or advanced certification or something I could get hooked into.  An advanced degree at this point in my career wouldn't do me much, if any, good.  While I am appreciative of my agricultural education roots I truly have no desire to pursue doctoral studies in that discipline.  I've thought long and hard about random things...like learning a second language...or becoming a registered parliamentarian.  Go on and laugh... I know it's lame but it's something I'm interested in!!!! I probably should try to get hooked into a church small group or bible study, but with my extremely odd work schedule I couldn't guarantee regular attendance except on certain nights / times.  I need a flexible learning environment.

I was telling someone the other day about how much I love a challenge.  Post-grad school my challenge / hobby became running and travelling for races.  This is still a challenge but now I'm seeking an interesting, intellectual challenge.  One that provides some brain stimuli with a side of socialization. Anybody have some suggestions?      

Built for comfort, not speed...

Skinny jeans versus sweat pants.  A Ferrari versus a mini van.  Ladies and gentlemen after Sunday's triathlon I have discovered that I am built for comfort and not speed.  I would love to tell you that I'm totally accepting of this new self realization but I would be lying to you and to my ego too.  Regardless of whether I'm in denial it's plainly obvious that my natural talents do not lie in the realm of athletics, but I am a darn fine encourage-er and cheerleader.  :) 

Run to the bike Katie Murray!

After the Smile Train triathlon in June I decided I was not going to wallow in annoyance with how frustrated and discouraged I felt in the water.  Just FYI everybody, I do have an ego and I'm guilty of the sin of pride... I decided it was time for me to get over my pride, be an adult, and yep...take a few swimming lessons.  My swim instructor is very encouraging and she actually spends the majority of her time with children so she totally gets my mentality also.  :) After several lessons and lots of practice, I felt ready for Sunday's "short" swim.  I signed up to go at the back of the pack again.  I had no desire to 1.) Embarrass myself... 2.) Hold someone else up because I swim slower than molasses rolling up hill... 3.) Did I mention embarrassing myself? The pool swims are seeded and with 400+ people I knew it would be awhile before my turn in the water.  I spent 30 minutes talking to a lady whose husband was a competitive swimmer but could not bike or run well.  She had wanted to do the triathlon with him but had reservations.  She told me what her fears were and I told her some of mine....it felt good to confess so close to crunch time.  I felt convinced when she left me that she would likely do a sprint triathlon in the next year.  I had a very similar experience when we did the Smile Train.  In the water I took on all 10 laps just trying to stay calm.  Some dude almost knocked me into a wall because he was going the wrong way in MY swim lane.  That's what I get for going at the back with all of the other people (like myself) who do not know what they're doing. 

My Em always says swim like a fish Lendy!

I'll be riding dirty.

Following the swim I had a rather uneventful bike ride.  The course was fairly hilly compared to the flat, smooth greenway that boo and I ride every week.  I passed a girl going up one of the hills and she yelled, "Go on...these hills are going to catch up with you!!" I made sure to wave at her as I passed her on my return back to the transition area.  I honestly couldn't help but laugh.  Neither one of us were setting the world on fire with fabulous speeds...Why be a jerk about it? 

Heather going out on the bike.

 

Number One "clean riding"

Back in the transition area for my run I totally ran by my bike rack and had almost made it to the other side of the area before I realized it.  I felt like a total goob turning around and almost taking people out as I ran back toward my assigned rack.  Smooth...real smooth.  

Again, the run was uneventful.  A guy that I followed on the bike ride...I called him yellow jersey....ran with me most of the way.  Yellow jersey made me think of the Tour de France so I joked the whole way that he should take the lead and run for a little bit while I drafted him.  I finally left yellow jersey and came up on a girl my age that had been walking ahead of us for awhile.  At the base of the hill before the finish I told her I was tired of running in wet socks and she responded back me too.  We ran together to the finish.  I could have out sprinted her at the end...I'm good at picking the pace up at the end... but I just cruised in behind her as her family and friends snapped pictures and cheered her on.  I made sure to smile although I'm hoping they photo shop me out.  I finished in 1 hour and 27 minutes.  Not too shabby for someone who hasn't been working at this for too awful long.    



The real story of the day was my boo and her magically getting seeded as the number 1 swimmer for the triathlon.  She inadvertently entered the correct swim time for the wrong distance.  She didn't lead the race but she still got to be number one for the day.  Number one ended up finishing 3rd overall in our age group which is an excellent accomplishment and I was so excited and proud to be her paparazzi for the day.  Like I said... I'm a much better cheerleader than an athlete.          

3rd overall in 25-29 GET IT

My number one boo haha :)

Taking it to the mattresses....

I have only heard the phrase, "Taking it to the mattresses," used in the 1990's Meg Ryan blockbuster (*sarcasm*) "You've Got Mail." Apparently it's a famous line from one of "The Godfather" movies and it references mafia members hiding somewhere other than at their house. I thought it could also be a great lead in to one of those little novels my mama used to take to the beach. Either way I just ripped it off because I've got an entertaining story and it happens to involve...you guessed it...a mattress.

For the past two days I've been taking one of my team members out into the district to meet with some very important volunteers. Yesterday we drove all over the northern counties and tomorrow we will finish up in the western counties. Today we both had various errands and tasks to complete so we drove separately most of the day. This afternoon we left Durham together and were both headed back to Raleigh on Interstate 85. Meg was right behind me because she's from down east and has no idea what's heads or tails in Durham and traffic was pretty intense. Right before our exit the large box truck directly in front of me slammed on brakes and before I really had time to get the words, "What the..." out of my mouth a full-sized mattress blew around the back of the truck and landed directly in front of me. Now, everything happened in a matter of 3 seconds but just like in those cheap made-for-TV movies time slowed down and I saw myself from the outside processing the situation. My options were to swerve left or right or hit the mattress. With two lanes of traffic on my left and two lanes of traffic on my right at 70 mph it could have / would have been extremely messy. My greatest fear period was that whether I hit it directly or just glanced it that the mattress would throw my truck into another lane of traffic or cause it to flip. Having only driven smaller cars my entire life I totally underestimate how tough and heavy my truck is. If by some luck I drove over the mattress with no issues then it would still likely be right in Meg's path. My options did not seem all that great.

I did what I thought to be the lesser of all the evils and made the decision to hit the mattress. I gripped the steering wheel, sped up a little, and slammed that mattress like a champion. Go big or go home people. I heard it busting all under my truck but the truck never swerved or even bounced really. After actually hitting the mattress my brain sort of began to slip into a haze of fear and relief that is until I heard the distinct sound of metal dragging behind the truck. First thought, the back passenger tire has busted. Everyone on I-85 immediately slowed to a crawl as I gradually took the lap of shame over to a sketchy median. I jumped out of the truck expecting to see my back tires slashed from the metal in the mattress but was quickly surprised to find the mattress was still wedged up under the truck.

Meg pulled in behind me, jumped out, and immediately began to laugh. She had watched everything happen from right behind me. After seeing that I was ok and had only gained a mattress landing gear, she was laughing at the craziness of our situation and at least a little out of relief. Still shaking...I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and I began to laugh too...I was alive, my truck wasn't damaged, and no one else got hurt in the process. Divine favor.

Traffic was whizzing by on either side of us as we tried to pull the twisted metal and stuffing out from under the truck. Meg and I were using all of our weight pulling and pushing with little result. I was debating whether to call the troopers. I've never had a good experience with a trooper so part of me almost just wanted to abandon the truck and just head home. A beat up black truck backed up the exit ramp toward us and this super kind man crawled under my truck and within a few minutes he was able to jerk the mattress out. He even loaded it on the back of his truck saying that he did not want someone else to have the same trouble. I really wanted to hug this guy. All he said before he jumped in his truck was, "There are still good people in the world."

I've been run down for the past week it seems ...my patience has been thin...my feelings have been hurt...the to do list seems never ending. After our little adventure I came home with the weight still on my shoulders, took a nap, and woke up with a song on my heart. We laughed at this story over supper but the fact that this could have a much more serious outcome is impossible to overlook no matter how much I don't want to dwell on it. I'm not afraid to die, but I'm not itching for death to overtake me or to cause harm to anyone intentional or not. It could have happened to anyone out on the road but today I was given a second chance to adjust my attitude and a reminder that there are still good caring people in this world regardless of the hurt others cause and that I need to try to pay that goodness forward. I stopped on the side of the road on the way home from supper and offered a poor runner my rain jacket in a downpour...She waved me off annoyed...I should have realized I was interrupting her pace and keeping her further from getting dry. Gold star for effort right?

Water Woosies

Today has been a less than stellar day...regardless I want to write about something positive, but hopefully not boastful. I need to go ahead and change my blog title to reflect something about running or being active. Several of my posts are about my attempts to become an athlete at age 28. Notice I said, “attempts." Who would read the running blog of a wannabe runner? I'm sure other poser runner people would understand.

In the past 2 weeks I have had 2 people ask me if I was a runner. My first reaction is to laugh...really hard... but somehow I manage to choke back and just smile and say, "Well...I try." Then there's this magical moment of me wondering what about me made them think I was a runner??? Dang do I look in shape?? Neh....

The first lady was a nurse at the allergist. She took my pulse and it was a whopping 46 beats per minute at 9am. She did a double take and quickly asked me if I was a runner. I told her I ran some and she seemed to relax. Apparently people that run are calmer and have lower pulse rates. It's likely because I only drank one cup of coffee that morning and I was technically still asleep. Or I was holding my breath in anticipation of all the needles I was about to be stuck with. Either way.

The second time was this morning when I went for a swim. My blog is my confessional...so here you go people... I am afraid of the water. Not so much of drowning or getting it in my ears or up my nose, but the fact that I struggle as a swimmer and I cannot take failure. I've been working on my swimming since the first triathlon in June. I went ahead and signed up for the second one in August despite my water woosies. Today I was swimming next to this beast of a lady who easily swam like 4 miles and made it look effortless. When I came up for air I just gawked at how easy she made it through the water. I did 35 minutes in the pool and then on my way out she stopped me. "You're a runner aren't you?" My jaw dropped. This crazy athletic woman recognized that I run...OMG!!!! My gold star for the day!! Then she politely informed me that most people that run point their toes down when they swim...big "no no" according to my swim instructor. Dayum.... Come to find out this lady is a certified triathlon coach, has done 3 Ironmans, and is on her way to doing a fourth. That's like 140 miles of swimming, biking, and running people. She confessed to me that her workouts were getting boring but her race was getting closer. She complemented my stroke and breathing...big surprise there... but the biggest thing that struck me was that she held no reservations in telling me that she was 36 when she started training. She also told me she had only been swimming for 8 years. For some odd reason...this gave me hope. I'd really appreciate some prayers over the next week for a strong finish...mainly that I just come out of the water.
       

How well do you know me?

Facebook didn't become a popular thing until I was almost out of college with my undergrad.  Yep... How's that for a confession? I remember filling out these ridiculous questionaires that people would post and then repost in an effort to get their friends to answer questions.  Sort of like playing one of those ridiculous "get-to-know-you" icebreakers at camp that always seemed annoying at the time but then you found out a lot about your friends that you may have not known.  Two weeks ago at my wife's bridal shower we played a goofy little game called, "How well do you know the bride?" This game was simply filling out a worksheet that asked questions about the bride like...What's the bride's favorite store? What's the bride's favorite color? Food? Movie? Book? What month did she meet the groom? Whose her favorite actor or band? What's her middle name? I know my wifey.  I shared an office with her for two years.  She used to love drinking cherry coke.  She likes hazelnut coffee creamer in her coffee, skittles, antique / rural decor, and minature hershey bars.  Beer of choice -- Coors light.  We both have a passion for bad 80's hair bands, country music, wearing sweaters, cowboy boots, Target, Paula Deen / southern cooking, and the Fall.  She loves the Steelers and the Penguins, plays piano, guitar, and some banjo.  She doesn't mind roughing it in order to get a beautiful view of a mountian or a creek.  Incredibly intelligent, sometimes blunt, but always affectionate and gives fabulous hugs. 

I thought this little question game was going to be a joke and a joke it definitely was not.  Seriously y'all I was so embarrassed at how few of those questions I could answer with definite certainty.  I knew where her and her fiance had met but it blanked me on what time of year it was...We listen to so much music I've never paid attention if she ever mentioned one band being the favorite over another.  Rough.... I also realized how I couldn't answer a lot of those questions for myself.  I've been doing some soul searching recently and as a part of that I figured out my answers to these trivia questions and committed my wifey's answers to memory.  :)

1. What's your middle name? Grayce

2. What was your first job? I completed a work study under my former high school ag teacher all 4 years of high school.  It's basically what led me to want to become an ag teacher.

3.  What's your favorite color? Green.... but I'm also partial to red.  :)

4.  What's your favorite restaurant? I haven't met too many that I don't care for but I really enjoy the Carolina Ale House.. followed closely by Firebirds.  I also love Mitch's near NCSU, Subway and Zaxby's. 

5.  What's yur fave store? Target

6.  Favorite band / singer? George Strait, but I also love some Brooks & Dunn, Moroon 5, and Hillsong United.  Gotta get my Jesus music on.

7.  Favorite song? There is no one favorite.  I have weekly favorites.  Neon Moon by Brooks & Dunn may be my fave of all time though.

8.  Favorite movie?  Love Actually but there are plenty of others I enjoy. 

9.  Books? Pride & Prejudice... the Harry Potter series... The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks...yeah I'm that girl.

10.  Favorite food? Rice... It goes with everything.  Home fried potatoes are a close, close second.

11.  What is your biggest pet peeve? People slurping their food.  Also when people feel like it's necessary to one-up other people they're talking to.  These same people tend to be loud and unnessarily demanding.  I apologize if I'm stereotyping here....      

12.  When did you meet your husband? We knew of each other since 2003-2004 but we didn't really get to know one another until 2006.  Married 6 years in a few days! :)

I think some of y'all might get a good chuckle at this. Feel free to copy and paste these, add on some foolish questions about your first boyfriends or whatever, and share on Facebook so your friends can take the quiz HA!

Part I: Clearing the air...

I posted a Facebook status in a moment of weakness speculating that I may be becoming less of a people person.  Coming from someone that most would consider to be very (if not overly) social, this must have been a total shock.  People came out of the woodwork to make comments or text me about my new hermit status when truthfully I was simply tired and then was rushed out of my hotel, standing outside amongst tense personalities while a fire alarm blared at 11pm on Friday night.  I wasn't feeling overly gracious or loving or funny at that moment.  Just wanted to inform everybody that I appreciate your concern but (maybe unfortunately) I'm still Lendy and I still love to socialize with all my peeps. 

I'm going to start this story off in good fairy tale fashion... Once upon a time there was a young girl working on her Masters degree.  Just like so many before her, the February before graduation she was beginning to panic about what she was going to do with her life once she reached the promised land (aka graduation) in May.  No more late night reading or writing B.S. responses to posts... She sat on her tuffet and pondered and pondered what to do.... She was going to receive a golden ticket that would allow her to go back into the classroom to teach students but unlike "Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory" the golden ticket didn't seem all that appealing and could have lead to some very difficult life altering decisions for her and her prince charming.

This story probably sounds similar or familiar to a lot of people coming out of college with a Bachelors or Masters degree.  You're coming to the close of a very important and fun phase of your life and you wait up until the very end to begin thinking about what's next.  In today's world many are faced with the same delimna that our young heroine was faced with... They have to make serious life changes like moving out of town or state to find a good job, or they realize that the occupation they're going into is not as attractive as it may have once appeared.  I'm here to tell you folks...things will work out.  You may not find your dream job or location immediately coming out but in their own time things will fall into place. 

This blog is devoted to skimming the surface of my post graduate school career adventure.  I wanted to post this information as background info to another blog I'm going to write about my recent weekend festivities in the mountains (stay tuned).  I'm not going to publish the name of my workplace in my blog for various reasons.  Those of you who read this and know me are already familiar with the bureau.  I wouldn't say that my current job is my "dream job," but it's pretty close to it.  It encompasses lots of things I dreamed my career would be like...no two days are the same, it's challenging, directly tied to agriculture, and relationship based.  In fact, I never imagined myself where I am right now... but in a good way.     

What do you do?

People ask me this all the time...and honestly I always feel so awkward and clumsy when I try to explain it.  I work for a non-profit, grassroots organization that specifically promotes agricultural awareness and works to protect the best interest of farmers in civic and legislative matters.  Within the company I am a field representative (aka field rep, aka field girl, sometimes wonder woman, newly called LJ, but will always be just Lendy) that covers 11 counties in the northern piedmont of NC (including my home county... CASWELL Woot Woot!!).  I think I mentioned in my first blog that my office is technically " the great white" (my chevy silverado) so many of my blogs and philosophical ramblings are composed while I'm staring over the dashboard driving.  One of my good friends asked me the other day how I chose my blog topics and honestly I write them in my head while I'm driving and sometimes when I'm running.  I don't find the topics...the topics tend to come find me.  :)  

Alright...so what does a field rep do?

Uh.... Well.... I work with farmers and office staff in my district to keep them informed and encourage them to act on important issues that impact the livelihoods of their operations.  Ok? I serve as the liaison between the state level organization and the local (county) level.  Ok? Basically, I am an informant, communicator, translator, event planner / coordinator, encourager, researcher, listener, scheduler, delivery girl, order taker, writer / editor, cook, speaker / presenter, salesperson, graphic designer, financial analysit, auditor, and above all else friend to all of my bureau family.  My roles change depending on the day, and there are definitely some times of the year that are busier than others.  There are days where I'm not sure what I'm doing, but for the most part I can't believe I earn a paycheck and get to do the amazing things I do.  I would seriously do what I do for free... our cause is worthy and the friendships I've made are a blessing (even when I'm tired and whiney).       

There you have it...A quick and probably incomplete snapshot of my day to day life as a big girl for the past 2.5 years.  I'm sure I've left something out.... I didn't give everybody the "textbook" job description.  It has been one of the most difficult, yet rewarding things I've ever done and hopefully it's far from being over.  

To be continued.....

Poser Blog: If I could turn back time....

This morning I read an intriguing blog by one of my friends about what she would do differently if she could turn back time.  She mentioned the danger of looking back into the past... and rightfully so.  I've always been taught, "If we are constantly looking back at closed doors, how can we see the open ones that are ahead of us?" Yet and still there are lots of lessons that can be learned from past experiences to help move forward.

1.  If I could turn back time... I would visit my loved ones more often.  I know I'm not alone in wishing that I had spent more time with people that I loved that I can no longer be with.  I particularly think about my beloved grandparents and how I should have kept going home to see them instead of sleeping in on the weekend or staying in Raleigh because I had "better" things to do.  I'd appreciate the love and lessons learned from those that have either physically or emotionally distanced themselves from me.   

2.  If I could turn back time... I'd say what I mean and mean what I say.  Confession: I suck at being open about my feelings...particularly if they're awkward.  Awkward feelings could be anything ranging from hurt and anger to deep love and appreciation.  Oh yeah, I also suck at accepting compliments and / or criticism at times.  Rather than addressing an issue (some people would call this confrontation) I'm an avoider.  Rather than telling people how I feel about them I give gifts...tangible ones and sometimes sarcastic joking ones.  2 engagements and several close friendships... I've had more than one relationship end or grow cold because of my lack of verbalization and fear of vunerability.  Most people would say that those relationships needed to end or it was meant to be this way...which is both true and fine.  This is more of a reminder of something I'm trying to do better with in the future.

3.  If I could turn back time... I'd live in the present.  HA! Isn't this blog about reflecting on the past? Yes...yes it is and looking back I spent a lot of time hung up on the past or wishing that this phase of life would hurry up and move forward.  My teaching career clearly comes to mind.  While I was teaching it was a day to day survival game and I was constantly counting down days to first one break and then another.  Now I wish I could clearly picture the faces, and remember the hugs and jokes from some of the students I haven't kept up with.  Every day...every moment...good or bad is unique and serves a purpose...We're always moving forward, backward, or side to side toward who we are meant to become and what our greater purpose is.  How much better would those moments be if we spent them devoting our undivided attention to the here and now rather than wishing them away onto something else?  

4.  If I could turn back time... Well I would be more risky.  I would have taken some summer internships out of state and went on a few more wild trips like white water rafting or insect hunting or whatever.  

5.  If I could turn back time... I'd spend more time trying to look cute.  I'm with Kara on this one.  To this day I don't care to put on make-up or be super trendy but sometimes it's necessary and can be a good self esteem boost.  

6.  If I could turn back time... I would give 250% every day, all day, on everything.  There are so many things in my life that I completely half-assed and got away with...mainly in school.  I was satisfied with a low A or a B when if I had put in even an ounce of work I could have aced the paper or the project.  This little factoid has lead to some laziness and complacency on my part on more than one occassion.  My running and tri training are gradually teaching me some discipline and that constant work is necessary for any type of results / success.  

Ok so those are a few things I would change...What are some things I would keep the same?

1.  If I could turn back time... I'd keep my high school experiences the same.  I would still join the FFA, have the same set of friends, experience the same awkwardness...all of it.  They were tough yet fun times. 

2.  If I could turn back time... I would go to NC State and major in agrcultural education.  I'm not using my teaching license right now but many of the lessons learned and experiences had while going through undergrad taught me a lot about myself and set me on the path to where I am now and I'm sure where I will go in the future. 

3.  If I could turn back time... I would teach at Millbrook high school.  I grew up a lot in those 2.5 years and came to love a bunch of pretty special teenagers...who will always be teenagers to me. 

4.  If I could turn back time... I'd leave teaching and go back to grad school.  Teaching helped me to grow up but graduate school reminded me how important it is to have friends.  I didn't necessarily learn a whole lot from reading all of those research articles but my boo helped me discover my love affair with Jesus...my office wife taught me the value of tough love and loyalty... My office family taught me about how to be a part of a community.  It wasn't always pretty but I am so grateful for all of the relationships...individually and collectively...that came as a result of my big girl hiatus.     

5.  If I could turn back time... I would run for National FFA Office but I would not want the outcome to change.  The experience of going through the interview process was so incredible but I'm so glad I didn't get elected.  It would have potentially moved me out of the path of some other things that I have today that I'm so thankful for.

6.  If I could turn back time... I would still marry Michael Johnson.  Enough said...although I might would have eloped and went on an extended honeymoon hahahaha!