Dear young college girls behind me in line at Panera Bread:
The fake valley girl accent you're using was old in 1998. You're in college... "adorbs" is not a word. How drunk you were last night and how you were sleeping in a bathtub this morning is not funny at all. The very sound of your high pitch laughter, too short / tight clothing, and total lack of self respect makes me cringe, feel annoyed, and worried about you all at once.
Maybe I haven't had enough coffee this morning, or maybe if you could hear my thoughts you'd say that girl is just a jealous hater. I mean look at me. Rolling in with my hair pulled up, no make-up, old yellow shorts, camo crocks, and a t-shirt. This has always been me. Awkward and country while you slept in a tub full of vodka but are made-up and rocking jacks and juicy couture straight from the page of Cosmo. Part of me wishes that I could have been more "put together" like you but definitely not enough to change at this point.
Take it from your 30 year old sister, you may always enjoy / like the finer things in life but at some point those tubs will become too hard to sleep in. The booze will cause you to feel worse than any of the problems you had before you started drinking. You'll realize that true love doesn't happen overnight, and boys in bars don't necessarily make good daddies and husbands. People will respect and take you seriously if you can carry on a conversation without using weird slang every two seconds. This will be important as you look for jobs and determine what you want to be when you grow up. 2 out of 3 of you will not find a permanent paid "MRS" position while you're in school. Instead of talking bad about your girlfriends while they're in the bathroom, learn how to have each others' back and love them well, because true friends are hard to come by and even harder to keep.
I sincerely wish you well on your journey. The social drama may seem super important and consuming now but paying bills, working 40 hours per week, maintaining good relationships, and being a big girl will make all these things seem like fun. Figure out who you are, have fun, but be safe. I'm praying for you.
Now move over so I can get my hazelnut coffee and tell me where did you find that cute Louis V clutch?
Bless your heart baby girls,
Lendy
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