Afraid of the dark or embracing the dark?

Going for a midnight run in the neighborhood…alone… may not be one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made. I could make the argument that the current 1,000,000,000 (make me second guess global warming) heat index causes me to run either before dawn or way after dark. Either way you can judge me like we so often judge those young dumb girls in horror movies that willingly go sit in the woods or enter creepy, abandoned houses knowing something terrible could happen to them. Let’s pick my story up with… I was coming down the home stretch and about to cool down when I noticed the man kneeling at the corner. He just happened to catch my eye and then my breath caught in my chest. There was a stranger standing between me and the front door. Mikey had long since gone to bed, and there was a man standing on the corner near my house. No gun, no phone, no light… I intentionally slowed my walk and was mentally kicking this dude’s ass when….

I realized my man was nothing more than the shadow of the tot lot fence across the street. Everybody laugh. Silly Lendy… get your eyes checked. Better yet quit running at ungodly hours of the day and night. I mentally released a huge sigh of relief, second guessed my sanity, and went inside for the night. Maybe my brain was high on endorphins, maybe it was late and fatigue was getting the best of me, maybe there was a steady river of sweat and salt burning my retinas and temporarily blindness had occurred..I’m grasping for dignity over here.

I’ve spent most of the day processing what happened last night. I’m safe, my run was good, but there was a lesson to be learned and shared from my 2 minute mental vacation and it’s related to being afraid of the dark, and the people or beings who only came out in the night and lived under your bed and in your closet (monsters). They were out to get you. At the tender age of 13 I was still sleeping under my pink My Little Pony comforter surrounded by dusty stuffed animals because of the things hiding in the dark that were out for my blood, my secret diary, and any chocolate I may have stashed in my nightstand.

Boogieman, werewolf, Jason, Freddie, resurrected pets, ghosts, aliens, possessed children playing in the corn…the common theme I associated with these childhood nightmares and fears was darkness. Fences become men, coats on racks becoming ghosts, the dog walking on the floor is a large tarantula crawling toward my toes. Our eyes physically cannot adjust and see what’s surrounding us, and suddenly our mind begins to race with what’s possibly going on in the area we cannot be certain of. Is someone or something near me? Will it hurt me? What am I going to do? Your body physically responds with adrenaline…heavy breathing, sweat, and you’re prepared to do what it takes to get away to a place of physical and emotional safety… Mama and Daddy’s bed or in my case the arms of my husband.

Darkness has a way of distorting our perceptions of reality. During my (relieved yet slightly embarrassed) walk to the house it crossed my mind how funny it is that adults cease to believe in entities like Dracula or werewolves (unless you’re from Caswell County and you’re my mother) but we so quickly embrace figurative darkness in our lives. Figurative darkness aka evil and sin. Dracula is figuratively a soul sucking job or a bad relationship that eats up time and resources, both of which we could be afraid of losing for various reasons. The Blob is an extra roll over the top of your skinny jeans that literally overwhelms you enough to make you eat another cookie versus go workout. Our adult monsters involve fear of failure, shame, guilt, stress, feeling overwhelmed, loss, unresolved anger, passive behavior, grudges, grief, among other things.

Recently I discovered I had become comfortable allowing these monsters to live in the closet of my heart. I tell my boo frequently sometimes sin and fear feel comfortable versus facing the truth about our past, who we are, and who we’re around. We affectionately call it sitting in the cup de sac of stupidity.

Our hearts shouldn’t be closed up closets, and we shouldn’t embrace the dark entities in our hearts any more than a child would hug the Boogieman. When a kid is scared they will often call for or seek out help and security.

•  “…call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” Psalm 50:15 
•  “I call upon the name of the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Psalm 18:3 
•  “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their trouble.” Psalm 34:17 
•  “Call to Me and I will answer You, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” Jeremiah 33:3 (My granma’s fave verse) 
•  “And it shall come to pass that everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Acts 2:21 
• “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 
• “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 

Lights may be turned on to show what’s really going on in the dark.

•  Psalms 119:105 : Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.
• 

John 8:12 : Then spoke Jesus again to them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. 

• John 12:35 : Then Jesus said to them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness come on you: for he that walks in darkness knows not where he goes.


• James 1:17 : Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no fickleness, neither shadow of turning. 

• 1 Peter 2:9 : But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should show forth the praises of him who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; 

• 1 John 1:7: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleans us from all sin. 

When we bring what is dark into light, we feel safe and protected and we know the truth.

“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him.” Nahum 1:7 

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah” Psalm 62:5-8 

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints…” Ephesians 6:13-18

Moral of the story: Share Your burdens with the Lord and the people you love.   Refuse to embrace darkness.  And don't run outside around midnight unarmed.  

Letters from Lendy: Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers....

Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers,

Greetings from a fellow food officianato.  No, I do not own a house on your overpriced golf course.  I live in the "hick" town right up the road.  It's pronounced "Roseville" spelled "Rolesville." Why yes, even rednecks enjoy high quality steaks and specialty spices and not just natty light and beanie weenies.  Sorry I'm not dressed in jacks and I left my Louis V at home.  Adidas running shorts and camouflage crocks are just gonna have to do.  Yes, I am wearing my Raybans.  Inside.  While I'm shopping.  It's not bright in here.  I'm not planning to pull a gun and rob your precious store.  I'm just too lazy to take them off and put them away.  Stop staring.  Awkward.  

Little girl at the meat counter, your kids are just too cute.  I'm impressed how one is hanging from it's leg strap in the cart and the other one is licking every package of raw meat it can get its little hands on, but you've not a spilled a drop of your coffee.  Is that a non-fat, sugar free, double shot caramel latte? I can smell success from a mile away.  I can see it in your face that you're stressed and you're having a moment... just you and your latte.  But if you could just scooch your buggy over one foot we can both have a moment picking out what steaks we're going to grill tonight.  I might even pick your sticky kid up off the floor for you when he falls on his head.

If grocery isles were like roads, fellow shoppers, I would feel as if I were in India in a traffic jam.  Seriously? Move to the side and then look at what you need to rather than pulling your cart horizontal and blocking the whole path.  If there are 20 people on one isle, one or two more is one or two too much.  Why are you just standing there in front of the waffles texting when you see me standing here waiting politely for you to finish??!!! Y'all are giving me buggy rage.  

Granny... can I call you granny? There are approximately 27 boxes of fake yellow cake mix on this shelf.  There are so many boxes that some of them are dusty from how long they have been here.  While I am impressed at how you made eye contact and sprinted down the isle to grab the one I had my hand on... not necessary.

People of the teet, I love the free samples as much as the next person but let's be real.  When you go and open a pack of paper plates on isle 10 to fix yourself mini sandwiches from the free artisan bread, cheese, deli meat, and fruit samples... we have a problem.  Go home and fix you a meal.  (P.S. There are pieces of banana nut and blueberry muffin for dessert on isle 2.  Delicous.)

Little checkout dude, if I were 16 I'd totally crush on you.  Actually, I would be completely embarrassed at how unabashedly you are staring at every woman's rear end who is walking by your station rather than paying attention to what you're doing.  If you place my eggs and bread in with canned goods and they are crushed I will come back and hunt you down.  

I'm just gonna swing by the free wine samples on my way out.  Thanks.

Sincerely,

Hangry PMSing woman in the Raybans

Letters from Lendy, " Dear early 20-something version of myself..."

Dear early 20-something baby version of me,

Set that beer down and come over here for a few minutes.  This must seem so strange.  Like one of those Hallmark movies where people travel back in time to stop their younger selves from doing something incredibly stupid.  I'm writing you this knowing I can't change your mind.  You're young, independent, and full of yourself.  I just wanted to share some wisdom with you that I hope you remember in the next 10 years and we continue to apply in the following 40 years.  "You don't need my help." Ha! Of course you don't.  I'm happy to report that despite all of your foolishness, we have come out pretty durn good so far.  Can I just tell you how well you're going to age sister? Yeah you know when you're 30 and all ancient and stuff.  People are going to look at you and still call you a baby.  What's that? You're not a baby you say?  Oh honey... Sit back, sip your beverage, and read for a few minutes.  

Hate to tell you, but there will come a time when you'll turn down Bojangles for a strawberry spinach salad.  "The hell you say?" I'm not kidding.  In fact you're going to run, lift weights, and work out 6 days a week.  You're going to spend Sunday nights preparing meals for the week rather than stopping by Panera Bread.  You're even going to drink coffee black.  Stop laughing.  Sweet tea will become too sweet for you but don't fret you're still gonna drink a glass of wine or two every once in a while.  We both know how incredibly self-conscience we are about our weight.  We've been told our entire lives we have a genetic predisposition to be plain, thick and overweight.  That's just not true honey.  And even if that were the case, the hateful, hurtful things that were said to us about our physical appearance doesn't define who we really are.  We will spend the rest of our lives processing this, but I've been told it becomes easier to believe the truth in time.  Don't give up.  Processing is going to help us realize that someday (maybe on death's doorstep at age 45) we're going to do something to reach out to other girls like us.  We're going to help them believe they're lovely, and get healthy mentally and physically.  

Keep wondering about that guy Jesus.  I know He sometimes pops into your mind between all those important thoughts you have about yourself.  (Rolls eyes)  Ask questions about Him, talk out loud to Him, maybe crack open that bible Aunt Lisa bought us 10 years ago.  I'm regretting your lack of thoughts towards Him right now.  You will forever remember and love the way our old church smells like dusty books and freshly polished wood.  You will still cry when testimony is given or people talk about Jesus' sacrifice for you.  Stop denying you cry.  God forbid we have some feelings.  You'll realize those tears come from somewhere deeper than just empathy.  I'm not going to tell you where just yet.  God is teaching you how to be obedient and you don't even know it.  There are still many, many lessons to learn.  Right now you're still living like the prideful little brat you've always been.  Don't worry, you will look back in the not so distant future and see how He is pursuing you and protecting you from your bull-headed self.  It will take multiple wake-up calls, some intense emotional pain / loss, and finally a few blessings before you'll understand what I mean here.  Just trust me that our relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship we'll ever have.               

I'm going to regret saying this....Listen to your mother.  I'm cringing here 10+ years later.  I must say I STILL don't always listen to her but dang if she isn't right when it comes to knowing stuff about us and what's good for us.  You haven't stopped gritting your teeth when she claims she's right.  By the way, she thinks you're starving yourself and you're too skinny.  Some things don't change.  Not to get all philosophical, I think we all have to just go our own way and learn things on our terms.  We could save ourselves some wounds, healing time, and scars if we'd just listen when the people who love us and know us try to speak reason to us.  She may not always go about it in the best way, but someday you're going to realize she's only seemingly fussing at you because she loves you and the ache she feels when you hurt is just as intense.  Someday you'll wake up and start seeing your parents in the same light as you see yourself.  People.  People with feelings and unique personalities.  They are imperfect and they fail, but they deserve the same grace and consideration we think / hope we can obtain when we screw up.  Having said that, the "told you so tone" she uses is just as annoying in the future as it was ever.  Just tell her you're going to do what you want and then file away what she says to think about before you make any decisions.  Saves face, but watch out for that silent treatment though... it's rough.        

We're still learning how to trust and rely on others to support us emotionally.  Deep breath... we're sensitive.  I heard that scoff all the way here in the future....that's going to be a difficult realization for you around age 28-29.  Just wait.  We are not as strong and impenetrable as we think we are.  By building up our emotional walls we've been well protected these past 20 something years but we've denied ourselves some desperately needed counsel and affection from the wonderful friends and family we have around us.  The sooner we figure out how to balance our independence with quality dependence the better off we will be.

Oh and by the way, the fall off the judgement seat of our high and mighty horse is a long fall.  Your ego is gonna hurt after that one.  It's actually shattered some for the better.

Suffice to say when you graduate into your 30's you're going to realize how simple it is to dream dreams and set goals, but it's even more simple to make excuses as to why they cannot be accomplished.  You'll realize this after you fight with your personal trainer about meal preparation and giving up half & half in your coffee.  You're going to really admire and appreciate folks who dream big and then work to make it happen.  You're going to want to be a part of that even if failure is involved which isn't always comfortable for you.  We are growing.  

Your work wagon is loaded my love.  It's only going to get worse as you further your career, try other new things, and maybe give into the world's wishes and have some babies.  Now we're both laughing.  Don't let your priorities and creativity fall by the wayside because you become overwhelmed with the obligations of the daily grind.  Where there is a will, surely there is a way.  Yeah, now I'm sounding old and cliché.  There are a lot of other important little nuggets I wanted to share with you but this letter is getting long and it's getting extremely late.  I wanna wrap this up before you think it's okay to crack open another beer.  You may not love me right now, but you'll learn to in time.  If anyone else reads this letter they're going to realize how challenging the pronouns were.
"What are pronouns?"  Great question.

LJ