Letters from Lendy: Dear Jesus....

Dear Jesus,

It's me, Lendy again.  I always begin our convos like this and You always remind me You know who I am.  (Isaiah 43:1).  Thank You for this brief season of rest leading into the new year.  As I sit and reflect on this past year and all that I hope the new year brings, seal it in my heart and mind You are still King no matter what lies behind us or before us.  Thank You for all of the blessings...the new babies, nuptials, sweet time with family and friends, good health, and material provision given in the past year.  Thank You for walking with us (me) through the challenges and heartbreaks.  There have been quite a few.  As one woman so candidly put it, "I don't have to understand, my God understands for me." Takes a lot of pressure off of a weak vessel like myself.

We are on the cusp of a new year, another new season.  Rather than write out a list of my 2015 ambitions, I've sending up a list of petitions.  Lord please hear my petitions for myself and my loved ones:

• Please teach us to number our days.  To value and use each moment You have given us to Your glory. 
• Lord help us to leave the heavy lifting to You.  Let us set down our pride, ambitions, anxieties, hurts, our futures, and our pasts before the throne and trust that You will use it all for our good.
• Lord help us to be good stewards of the material provisions and spiritual gifts You have bestowed upon us.  
• Please help us to seek truth and discern it from the world's lies.
• Please teach us to love others as You do, extravagantly, and not according to the world's standards.  
• God, make us desperate to spend time in Your word and in prayer.  Make us thirsty for You.  
• Lord, heal those who are physically or spiritually hurting.  Please use us as Your hands and feet to help and support them as You see fit.
• Bless the seeds of truth You have planted in the hearts of unbelievers.  Please work through us to serve as salt and light to them and to those who have yet to hear Your gospel.  

Lord, there are lots of other petitions I could offer.  There are several specific items I could pray over.  People with sick family members in need of healing, those who have lost loved ones, people seeking employment, still other people seeking a fresh start and better days in the year ahead.  I know You're listening and we will visit over them as situations arise.  Given the dark days lately, I do want to close by asking for special protection over our country and a spirit of peace that goes beyond all understanding.  The hearts of so many are filled with hate these days.

We love and praise You,

LJ

The Squeaky Wheel

I decided to break the silence.  Sometimes situations happen to us that aren't funny but deep down we know that they will bring a smile or laugh to someone else and are therefore totally worth sharing.

There has been a lot of water to pass over the dam since I wrote last.  Mike and I purchased a new house, sold our old house, have been working to close out the house in South Mills... I'm beginning to feel a bit like a slum lord.  We have officially moved in to the new house and are in the process of settling in.  Mike is gone a lot with his work responsibilities so it hasn't been as smooth of a transition as I had hoped for.  I haven't worked to hide my emotions regarding this particularly odd season of our lives.  To quote Dickens (roughly), "It was the best of times, and it was the worst of times." I feel stretched, tested, and drained yet I have learned so much about mercy and grace in the past 8 months.

Today has been no exception to the test.  I started taking a strength and conditioning class early mornings on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  It. Is. Tough. I woke up this morning tired and sore from Monday.  I did not want to go do mountain climbers, power lifts, squats, burpees, planks, and run laps for a hour at 6am.  I rolled out of bed knowing I'd feel great once I finished and if I could push through today then I could do it any day.  Cranked Red (my equinox) up and the engine service light pops on.  I was supposed to go to lunch and attend a tour in Winston Salem starting at 12pm...Hello Monday? Is that you disguising yourself as Wednesday? I called my friend to tell him I couldn't make it to the tour but would catch up with the group later in the afternoon.  Coming back from the gym I called our local service station and scheduled a service appointment.  It would be after lunch... great.  Mike's out of town, I have no friends near by....let's waste time sitting around in a waiting area for who knows how long.  I decided I needed a cup of coffee and a scheming session.

Scheming sessions are dangerous, especially when I'm tired and lack focus.  I don't weigh out all the possible scenarios that could happen.  I decided I would swing by the house, grab my road bike, drop my vehicle off, ride my bike back home and work on phone calls and such, and then bike back when it was time to pick up the equinox.  It's not even 2 miles from my house to the service station.  I congratulated myself on a quick, doable solution that would allow me to kill several birds with one stone.  I set out to load my bike and get to the mechanic.

After getting everything settled with the mechanic I pulled my bike out and started on the road.  I'm not very graceful on the bike but even clumsy me noticed I couldn't control the bike very well.  I hopped off and looked at the wheels.  Secure...brakes were fine... and then it slammed me in the face.  I'm out on a busy road and my back tire is basically flat.  The lack of control was the rim of the wheel bumping and sliding on pavement.  No turning back now.  I contemplated pushing my bike the remaining miles back to the house but decided to just take it slow and easy.  Halfway back to the house my overly dramatic brain imagined hearing the rubber splitting and tearing on the pavement.  I started thinking of who I could call to come help me, reached into my clutch and realized I had left my phone either at the house or at the service station.  Should I try to ride back to Pete's? Should I keep going? Should I just toss my bike in the ditch and take a walk of shame? At this point I couldn't help but laugh.

I decided to keep going and take the chance my phone was at the house.  Members of our local running club stared at me as they passed me (keep in mind they were on foot and me on the bike).  I waved.  That was probably a good mental boost on a muggy day like today.  Here at the house I found my cellphone, but I did not find the bike pump.  So here I sit thinking maybe I should go ahead and start walking back so I can get there by the time my car is finished.  :)  

My little sitch today wasn't really dangerous or too stressful.  More or less just inconvenient.   God is putting grease on a squeaky wheel in my heart.  Pressed but not crushed so ultimately I'm grateful.  Some days I have to be more intentional about it than others.  :)

A Sensitive, feeling, extrovert's musings: Can you fail a personality test?

Personality tests intrigue me.  Don't get me wrong... Like any good ex-graduate student, I question the reliability and validity of these tests.  Sometimes I liken the results of the Myers-Briggs, Wonderlic, and Strengths Finder to the results of standardized testing in schools... an incomplete interpretation of the total picture.  How can you truly capture a person's personality based on a paper and pencil test? We need a practical.  Let's complete the paper test then drop folks off on a desert island with other people for a week including their mother-in-law.  Or better yet, let's film them driving through construction and rush hour traffic on the Raleigh beltline everyday for. a. week.  I could be Ronald Reagan on paper but act more like Lil' John in real life.  (No offense Lil' John.  You know how to party.)

Regardless, these tests are interesting and their results can confirm the lies we've been telling ourselves for years, make us scoff, or ponder about life.  I was cleaning my desk off the other night and found the documents where I had to take the Myers-Briggs personality test last year for work.  I don't remember much about taking the test so don't ask me what the questions were, but apparently my alphabet category is ESFP.

"ESFP's are outgoing, friendly, and accepting.  Exuberant lovers of life, people, and material comforts.  Enjoy working with others to make things happen.  Bring common sense and a realistic approach to their work and make work fun.  Flexible and spontaneous, adapt readily to new people and environments.  Learn best by trying a new skill with other people." 

I was feeling oh so good about myself until I read my alphabet category prayer, "God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing." 

I found this to be hilarious...at first... but then I got to thinking what kind of message that sends and is that really true for me.  I may have sent a tense text message to my boo when she posted, "wow" under my prayer Facebook status.  Surely my boo knows I take more than dancing and parties seriously.  Am I the party girl? Do people see me as having any depth? Do folks take me seriously? The feelings were in overdrive.  I am not a table dancin', keg standin' type of girl.  I like to sit around and, "shoot the bull." I enjoy having groups of family or friends over, eating good food, playing games, even maybe a little dancing if the moon is in the right phase.  But if you gave me the options of going out on the town, throwing a big party, or hanging out on the couch with just one of the loves of my life... "I'll take 'On the Couch' for $1200, Alex."

My logic rallied for the better.  The paper and pencil tests just don't get the important little complex details.  Then I read through the pitfalls to being in my alphabet category.  Why I didn't read these last summer... apparently because I don't handle criticism well.  :|

"May overemphasize subjective information in an effort to maintain harmony. (Do what it takes to keep the peace no matter what.) May spend too much time socializing and neglect tasks.  May not finish what they start. Need to learn to plan ahead especially when managing work. Take criticism and failure extremely personal."   

I wish I could view these tests like most people do and just pick the things I want to acknowledge about myself or say definitively, "that's not me!" when I read something I don't like.  Truth is I can specifically name a recent example that fits each one of those shortcomings, and it doesn't feel good to admit that.  A lady criticized my sewing skills on my two quilts I've been working on and they are sitting in a corner unfinished.  That kills two shortcoming birds with one stone right there.  I get bored, or have a major setback, or sense that failure / rejection is imminent and pull the plug.  This has gotten better with time, maturity, and Christ teaching me how to rest and trust in Him.  The things in my life I have unconditionally committed to sticking with through whatever may come: my relationship with Christ, my marriage, completing my Master's thesis, running / training, and my big girl friendships give me hope that my discipline has / will continue to improve.

Maybe I've over analyzed the findings to the test.  ("I'll take desert island for $1,200, Alex.")  I'm interested in what other people think / feel about these little quizzes and how they respond to the results.  In light of all this introspective stuff, I'm jumping back on my wedding dress challenge by signing up for a 12 week endurance course at my gym focused on getting me ready for triathlon season.  I'm thinking me and failure may be BFF soon.  So if  anyone wants to hang out, eat cheeseburgers and drink beer call me, call me, call me... You don't have to worry about it, baby.  You can wake me up in the dead of the night, wreck my plans, baby that's alright...You can crash my party anytime! :)

-- Thanks to Lil John, Luke Bryan, and Myers-Briggs for their contributions to the blog.        

A few of my favorite things.

Thank you to the many people that have been praying for Mikey and I over the past 2 weeks.  Most of you have seen the posts / heard that Mike's Dad went home to the Lord last Monday.  He was suffering so greatly that we are honestly thankful for God's swift and ultimate mercy.  Mikey is an only child so over the past week we have worked to begin the process of executing his Dad's estate.  As the sole heir he also holds sole responsibility for making sure that everything is closed out and taken care of.  We feel that we have gotten a good start but it will likely be months before all of the details of the estate are closed.  We were finally able to come home this past weekend.  I arrived late Thursday night because of a meeting on Friday and Mike followed Friday afternoon.  After visiting with some friends Saturday morning I slept most of the day yesterday while Mike continued working on some paperwork.  This morning I woke up to a beautiful sunrise but there was little joy to be found in my heart.  The peaks and valleys of the past two weeks finally caught me and put me on my knees today.  Tonight I am particularly...salty... so rather than hurt over the recent events I decided to make a list of things that have made me happy over the past 2 weeks.  This might give everyone some further insight into how strange I really am.

1.  Subway sandwiches with baked cheddar and sour cream ruffles.

2.  Throwing wet towels over Mama's head and running away before she can retaliate.

3.  Granma looking like she had won the lottery when I brought her a combination plate of fried oysters and shrimp with french fries back from Elizabeth City. 

4.   Mikey sleeping with his arm around me and his hand over my heart.

5.  My Boo.  

6.  Bella   

7.  The way my Aunt Jeannie still kisses me on the lips even though I'm 30.  :)  

8.  Mr. Johnson whispering to me that I look good.  

9.  Holding hands and praying.   

10.  Mike's 47 year old cousin jamming to Jay-Z and Beyonce in the hospital hallway at 1am.  

11.  3am ice cream party with Mike, George, and Mr. Johnson.       

12.  Granma always reaching to hold my hand when she's talking to me.  (Again.. hand holding)

13.  The smell of honeysuckles on the trail during last Sunday's bike ride.  

14.  Looking at baby pictures of Mikey and older photos of his family.    

15.  Ms. Alma Roundtree's homemade chicken and pastry.

16.  Panera Hazelnut Coffee

17.  Talking to my County liaisons.  (They are the best.)

18.  Texts and messages from concerned friends.

19.  My Daddy driving 10 hours to be with us and bringing Mike's Granma some "side meat" knowing that she would fry it up the next day.

20.  My fave waitress at The Border not recognizing me with my hair down, regular clothes, and make-up on.

21.  Dirty rice at 10pm.

22.  Watching stupid Youtube videos with Mama.  

23.  The look my Uncle Cliff had when I gave him a picture of his daddy (my grandaddy) that I copied for him.    

24.  Sleeping with both of my turbo fans running at high speed.   

25.  Discovering that while pictures of people running on the beach look awesome, I don't actually like to run on the beach.  

I feel better.  :) 

There is something oddly peaceful about a hospital in the middle of the night.  The bright fluorescent lights are dimmed from suntan stun level to the homiest glow they can muster.  As I walk the deserted halls all I hear is deep breathing, soft beeping from some machines, and the steady hum of the air unit.  I'm thinking if I never see the inside of a hospital again that would still be too soon.  

Mikey's daddy is dying.  Very suddenly but also very slowly and painfully at the same time.  Mr. Johnson's past medical history is very complex and he is very fortunate that after 2 organ transplants he has lived an additional 17 years with fairly good quality of life.  It seems now that his body has just had enough and is turning against him for the last time through his blood.  It is amazing to me that here at the last he still knows who we all are, tells stories in detail about friends and family from the past, and is deeply concerned about our future once he, "goes home." He made me promise to take care of his "buddy." I only promised to not give him anymore gray hairs.  :) 

This has been a truly heartbreaking week.  Mrs. Johnson's quick diagnosis and death last Fall was tough, but this is worse if you can imagine that.  Mikey relies on his Daddy.  He calls him to ask questions.  They religiously discussed sports, especially racing, and they are both sickeningly in love with their iPads.  :)  When I had food poisoning last week, Mike slept on the couch while I puked my guts up and our little dog enjoyed my tainted chicken sandwich for the second time.  Less than a week later, I've witnessed the same man literally feed and help his Dad drink fluids since he can no longer do it for himself.  He has helped his Dad do things that most of us would blush even thinking about.  Mikey has gone with very little sleep or peace and had to face decisions this week that no one should ever have to face.  He has done it all without complaining and only letting his guard down in private.  I have so much respect for my husband's incredible strength and unselfishness in the face of such heavy burdens.

In typical fashion I'm trying to be strong and calm in the moment while I feel like I'm coming undone on the inside.  Aside from watching this physically and spiritually big and strong man slip away, it is soul crushing to me to watch Mikey endure yet another great loss.  I have to take long walks and get it out of my system.  Tonight I walked to the chapel.  Jesus and I ate a bag of baked cheddar ruffles sitting on the floor.  He listened while I cleansed my eyes and my soul for a good hour and after I was done He showed me some messages that other people had written to Him and left in the Chapel.  He was listening because these people were also discussing some of the very things I had laying on my heart.   

         

I begged for sweet mercy for Mr. Johnson and forgiveness for my ungratefulness.  Watching someone who is losing their life express how appreciative they are for material provision, of all the people they love or have loved along the way, and the second chances they were given (even those not taken) will convict and slap some sense into an ungrateful heart.  Lord, I've been living in a fog but I know someday I'll understand completely.  "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then I shall know just as I also am known."  

Please pray for my sweet Mikey and for his Daddy.  I know many of you already have been, and for that I am truly, deeply, sincerely, eternally grateful.

Letters from Lendy -- Baby Girls

Dear young college girls behind me in line at Panera Bread:

The fake valley girl accent you're using was old in 1998.  You're in college... "adorbs" is not a word.  How drunk you were last night and how you were sleeping in a bathtub this morning is not funny at all.  The very sound of your high pitch laughter, too short / tight clothing, and total lack of self respect makes me cringe, feel annoyed, and worried about you all at once.

Maybe I haven't had enough coffee this morning, or maybe if you could hear my thoughts you'd say that girl is just a jealous hater.  I mean look at me.  Rolling in with my hair pulled up, no make-up, old yellow shorts, camo crocks, and a t-shirt.  This has always been me.  Awkward and country while you slept in a tub full of vodka but are made-up and rocking jacks and juicy couture straight from the page of Cosmo.  Part of me wishes that I could have been more "put together" like you but definitely not enough to change at this point.

Take it from your 30 year old sister, you may always enjoy / like the finer things in life but at some point those tubs will become too hard to sleep in.  The booze will cause you to feel worse than any of the problems you had before you started drinking.  You'll realize that true love doesn't happen overnight, and boys in bars don't necessarily make good daddies and husbands.  People will respect and take you seriously if you can carry on a conversation without using weird slang every two seconds.  This will be important as you look for jobs and determine what you want to be when you grow up.  2 out of 3 of you will not find a permanent paid "MRS" position while you're in school.  Instead of talking bad about your girlfriends while they're in the bathroom, learn how to have each others' back and love them well, because true friends are hard to come by and even harder to keep.

I sincerely wish you well on your journey.  The social drama may seem super important and consuming now but paying bills, working 40 hours per week, maintaining good relationships, and being a big girl will make all these things seem like fun.  Figure out who you are, have fun, but be safe.  I'm praying for you.

Now move over so I can get my hazelnut coffee and tell me where did you find that cute Louis V clutch?

Bless your heart baby girls,

Lendy

Lendy's Throwback Moodle Posts: Pencils Down

I am a slow, methodical test taker.  It literally took me forever to complete an essay test because I would outline and write every single detail I could think of, always rushing at the end and stressed that I would not finish in time.  On days like today, I would go back and take 10 essay tests on the Assyrian empire or Henry David Thoreau every day just to know the right answer to one of life's many test questions.  Example:

1.  Part A.  List every single task you need to be have completed.  If you have not completed said tasks please state why.
      Part B.  Explain step by step how you to plan to accomplish each of these items without:
                   i.  Making someone angry or hurt.
                   ii.  Meeting and not exceeding any proposed deadlines.
                   iii. Completing task at a level that exceeds personal and public expectations.

2.  Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? What do you want to accomplish? List out how you plan to do it.

All the leadership training in the world didn't prepare me to give sincere answers to these questions.  If you can't tell, I feel like I'm in the midst of a tough life essay test.  For the past 2 weeks especially I've been puzzling through questions about my future, questioning things in my relationships with some of my closet friends, and struggling to list out things I need to be working on rather than procrastinating.  It's caused some test anxiety... personal emotional conflicts of frustration, feeling very insecure, and lack of confidence, BUT I know I'm going to pass the test.  Not because I studied hard or completed my assignments, but because my Teacher is divinely forgiving.  That doesn't stop me from wanting to succeed.  It does provide some motivation on days like today to keep studying and keep working when I feel lost and overwhelmed.  I remember the look some of my students with learning disabilities had as they stared at their papers with no clue as to where to start.   If anything, I'm so fortunate I've been given every opportunity to be great in all things, and capable of helping others be great even when I think my stock is running low.

I'm grateful for growth as I am learning how to maintain my focus on the main thing.  

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." -- James 1:2-4

Letters from Lendy - Monday

Dear Monday,

Let's skip the pleasantries shall we? My granma (God rest her soul) would roll over in her grave if she knew I wasn't going to ask you how things were going, but quite frankly I'm not asking because I don't care to know.  You have little (if any) regard for trying my patience at every opportunity, why play nice now? You intentionally dialed up cold nasty weather to start this week.  Apparently you've been terrorizing other people too because most people I talked with today were ill as old bell hornets or being as spiteful as possible.  It's Saturday and Sunday's fault you say? Your sexy sister Saturday and sweet sister Sunday who are always fun to be with and willingly spend time with my family and friends? Those same sisters that love to nap, watch movies, run, swim, bike, shop, drive... and all other things that are glorious? I don't even really mind working some with Saturday and Sunday.  They don't care if I work in my yoga pants or at the coffee hut down the street (in my yoga pants).  Monday, between you and I old compadre, you need to loosen up.  Go workout, have a drink, knit a sweater, something.  You don't have to be as cool as your sisters, but right now your only saving grace is that I get to have some sweet fellowship early on your watch and for that I'm grateful.  When that goes away I'm not sure what we're going to do.  Do NOT suggest margarita Monday.  However tempting after your stunts today; it ain't gonna happen.    

I'm watching you.

Lendy

P.S. Please call up your BFF Mother Nature and see if she's over her toxic relationship with Winter yet.  Seems like she's getting there but she just needs to go ahead and kick old son to the curb.

Conviction #9999

Ecclesiastes may be one of the most depressing yet relevant books of scripture we've talked about thus far during church.  All the work we do, the knowledge we gain, honor that we obtain, "everything under the sun" is meaningless apart from  God.  We had a pretty fabulous and convicting message this morning on being an overachiever, secluding oneself, popularity, and community.  I can relate to Solomon's "solemn" outlook on life when I struggle to maintain focus on Jesus, get distracted by achievements or attention, and intentionally separate myself from my village.  Truth is our world is desperately lonely.  Even those of us who may be married or surrounded by close friends and family can be swayed to feel set apart.  We can also intentionally set ourselves apart in an effort to be a standout, not vulnerable, or focused on some type of material acquisition.  Our short little passage was a clear reminder that folks were not designed to operate apart from one another.  We all desire love from each other (whether you like it or not can only happen through Christ) and (whether we like it or not ) need spiritual accountability to keep our focus as it should be.

7 Then I returned, and I saw vanity under the sun: 8 There is one alone, without companion: He has neither son nor brother. Yet there is no end to all his labors, Nor is his eye satisfied with riches. But he never asks, “For whom do I toil and deprive myself of good?” This also is vanity and a grave misfortune. 9 Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 13 Better a poor and wise youth Than an old and foolish king who will be admonished no more. 14 For he comes out of prison to be king, Although he was born poor in his kingdom. 15 I saw all the living who walk under the sun; They were with the second youth who stands in his place. 16 There was no end of all the people over whom he was made king; Yet those who come afterward will not rejoice in him. Surely this also is vanity and grasping for the wind.

"Lent" Licker Lendy

My honorary Cajun status has been revoked.  Yesterday was Fat Tuesday and I didn't even know it, which consequently means that today is the first day of Lent.  I wouldn't have had any idea except my boo texted early this morning to tell me she had chosen to lay aside coffee for her Lent season.  I pondered for mere seconds what it would be like for me to give up coffee for 40 days, and swiftly came to the conclusion that it would lead to more un-Christ-like behavior than penitent prayer. 

Truth is I’m not clear on how this whole Lent thing works.  Growing up, the only “Lent” I knew about was spelled l-i-n-t and got caught in the dryer trap.  My mixed breed Baptist family did not observe Lent.  My friends in high school used Lent as a way to temporarily lose a few pounds from giving up fast food or soft drinks.  I got the idea Lent was about giving up unhealthy or negative habits that you were already trying to give up just that during those 40 days Jesus was watching you closer than normal.  How ridiculous right? Yet that was my attitude about practicing Lent until I went to graduate school and met some devout Catholics and Methodists who truly observe the season of Lent.  I found out that Lent is really about sacrifice, repentance, and drawing closer to God.  People generally lay something aside or give something up in order to spend more time intentionally seeking God or trusting in His strength to keep them from running back to what they have put down. 

Since I've come to grasp more clearly what Lent is about, I have sincerely tried to give something up that I really depended upon or that took time away from prayer and bible study each Lent season.  Some years have been more successful than others due to my weak flesh.  ("Watch an pray, lest you enter into temptation.  The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41) Since this morning I've spent the better part of the day pondering what I can set aside or give up in order to draw closer to Him during this season.  There's the obvious... coffee, Facebook, my blog (y’all wish), running (L), etc.  My mind wanders back to how demanding my work and schedule have been for the past few weeks and I start thinking how incredibly impossible it seems to give up something I enjoy when everything else around me seems so hard.  I realized these thoughts suggest that my heart’s not trusting in His strength, and then another thought popped into this hard head...

Maybe I don’t need to take something away...maybe I need to add something. 

Lately I have felt so incredibly overwhelmed with work that every day is mainly just going through the motions in order to survive and advance.  For the past 2 weeks I walk through the door at night and simply say, “I got nothing left for today.” I don’t know if I can technically do this (because I don’t know ALL the Lent rules), but what I would like to do every day for the next 40 days is take time each day to write a note of love or encouragement to someone.  I want to trust God that when I say I don’t have time or I don’t have anything left that He will give me the words and make provision to make this happen.  Maybe my Lent project isn't conventional and maybe it doesn't follow the rules, but I’m hoping even though I’m adding something instead of subtracting something, “He will increase, and I will decrease.”   

So, if you would like to receive a little note in the next few weeks, don’t be shy... send me your address.  Do not feel presumptuous.  You’re helping me keep my Lent promise, and it’s really a privilege to be able to pray for y’all and offer up words of love and encouragement even if I have to borrow them from someone else because mine aren't all that sufficient.  J   

I'll be missing March

I'm sort of sad that March has come upon us.  I'm thankful for the start of Spring, but not so much to the end of a very special "class" I've been taking for the past eight months.  My Women's Bible study is coming to an end, and it's going to leave me thirsty and achy for more... I can already tell.  I've mentioned before and will say it again, these women are women I want to be like someday.  They are beyond the awkward phase of trying to be put together all they time.  They've raised children and lovingly served their husbands and extended family.  They treasure their friends, and are mean cooks.  Most importantly I want to love and seek the Lord like these women and pray for every person I love the way they so tenderly and desperately do.  More than just fellowship, this study has helped the bible become a living book for me.  I did not understand Paul and his rambling affectionate letters to the churches he had helped plant, but now I understand him and how desperately he loved the Lord and wanted to nurture others in their relationship with Jesus.  Instead of not understanding him, I hope to identify with him more.  If you don't read scripture or pray with anyone aside from when you read or pray together corporately at church consider trying it out.  It has changed me.  I find that I can no longer simply read scripture like it's flat history.  I pray and critically think about the people and events that I read about.  I look at the contexts and try to comprehend what they may have been thinking or feeling, and what the Lord is revealing about Himself to them.  My hope is He will reveal to me how I can apply those things to my life.  My girlfriend and I were discussing Lot's wife turning into salt and I couldn't help but joke that if I had been running beside of that woman I totally would have breathlessly shouted, "Did y'all see that!!!??" My friend said she would have yelled back, "Look forward and keep running crazy!"

A serious example, we recently studied the last chapter in the Gospel of John about the disciples having breakfast with the Lord by the sea.  This is after Jesus' resurrection and the disciples had been cooped up in a room fearing that they would be persecuted by the Jews.  The Apostle Peter announces that he is going fishing and everyone wants to go with.  I picture a bunch of men like my family, minus the camo, out fishing together in a boat.  Shortly before this trip Jesus had been put to death, rose from the dead, and had been seen by the disciples at various times.  There probably wasn't a lot of talking going on out on that boat but there was likely a lot of thinking as those men worked the nets together. They weren't catching anything so they were probably pretty grumpy.  Early in the morning John tells Peter that Jesus is on the shore calling to them where to cast the nets to actually catch some fish.  When Peter heard this he put on his outer cloak, jumped overboard, and swam for shore.  Dr. Lanier described how men would often work in their "under shirts" but it was considered improper to be out in public without an outer cloak which was heavy and probably made from wool.  Peter swam to shore dragging an anchor of cloth behind him when he could have just waited until the boat got close by and jumped out like the rest of the disciples.  As I sat there and listened it was almost as if I were in a trance.  I thought about how it felt when my boo came back from being in Africa for two years.  I didn't wait for her car to stop in the cul de sac before I was outside, barefoot in December, wanting to put my arms around her.  The Bible doesn't literally say what made Peter jump overboard but I could almost sense how Peter's heartbeat sped up, and he was so overcome with excitement, joy, love, maybe even some anxiety that he just couldn't wait to get to shore to embrace his best friend, his Savior, and Lord.  I can imagine him thrashing through the water in that cloak and coming up soaking wet but smiling as he walked up the beach to Jesus.

The image makes my heartbeat go up in anticipation.  I cannot fathom how exciting and joyous it will be to see my Jesus standing on the shore waiting for me.  I can only imagine rushing across the sea of glass into His arms.            

Wedding Dress Challenge

I've had several friends get married over the past 12 months and slowly but surely my Facebook feed and blog reader are being covered in photos of beautiful smiling girls in white gowns with handsome men holding on to one another, and their goofy looking friends (including me) awkwardly dancing or shoving cake in their mouths.  Lovely.  All of my friends are beautiful sans formal gowns, fancy updo's, and elaborate make-up.  Still...looking at the pictures makes my heart yearn just a little bit.  When Michael Johnson and I were married 7 years ago, I was just out of school and could not afford beautiful bridal portraits.  I used a chunk of savings to pay for our wedding day pictures and they were a huge disappointment.  My family took better pictures with disposable cameras and old school digital bricks than what my "professional" photographers put together.  After sitting on my rear throughout the winter, looking at photos and gaining 5 pounds I made a vain decision... I'm going to take some bridal portraits this Spring....7 years later.  I know that my wedding dress will need to be altered already, but I needed some motivation to get my workout on and I'm thinking that this would be a fun way to do it.  I'd appreciate some accountability from you all too.  I'm trying to convince Michael Johnson to participate in the challenge in a before and after photo but he's not so keen on it.  :)

      

Patience & Gra{y}ce -- The Sewing Project

We interrupt your regular doom and gloom Lendy blog series to bring you an update on a little ongoing effort Lendy has been working on for the past 3 months.  I decided about 2 weeks ago that I would not write another blog until this ongoing project was mostly completed and as of this hour everything but the crying is done.

I guess most people know that my given middle name is Grayce.  My great grandmother was named Grace and being born in 1902 and without much of a formal education she spelled her name with an extra "y." It often resulted in people calling her, "Gracie" and for much of my young life I too was called Grace or Gracie interchangeably with Lendy.  Remember -- Lendy is a weird name that some people have continual trouble with.  I think Mama threw that name in there hoping that I would obtain or exhibit some level of grace..oops.  Instead one of her favorite sayings to me to this day is, "Patience Grayce." You would think they go hand in hand.. patience and grace.  I have pretty good patience with people and situations but seriously lack patience when it comes to projects, and repetitive or tedious tasks.  I'm always one to talk about being sentimental and such but I'll pay any one of you little Pintrest honeys out there to make cute DIY stuff for me to give away than have to do it myself.  It's not that I don't have the talent or the time, just zero patience with the process.  In early December I was stalking my wifey's Pintrest page looking for Christmas present inspiration and stumbled across something that led me to embark upon a little adventure in the craft world that has taught me a new level of patience.

Sewing....

When I first started running and wanted to give up I would remember that I endured hours at the computer working through my thesis.  Working on this project I thought about the miles I pounded the pavement to train for my half marathon and knew I could endure not knowing how to sew, the sewing machine (Satan) jamming repeatedly, and my hands cramping from hours of stitching.  As I sat in the quiet sewing at night or during the snowpocolypse I found myself praying or thinking about the generations of women before me who did this all the time not for fun or for gifts but because they had to.  For once in my life a small fear crept into my mind that we -- us 20 or 30 somethings -- may be raising a generation that doesn't understand the importance of knowing simple skills like sewing and may look down on the people that do so for a living.  I'm not talking about Hollywood fashion designers.  Another fear... Would our children know or understand the significance of something handmade and passed down from generation to generation like a quilt or a piece of furniture? I know the answer to those questions lies with how I choose to raise my children if God grants me any.

Sure, possessions no matter how sentimental will be left behind when we move from this life to the next.  It's the thoughts and memories around these things that count and those usually revolve around the people that make them, share them, or use them.  They are some kind of tangible evidence of love, time, prayers, and practicality.  Growing up my Granma had a quilt we called the "Boom Blanket." We would run underneath it as she tossed it in the air and we would yell boom when it fell on us  or she'd spread it on the grass and we would jump on it yelling boom at the top of our lungs.  It was grass stained and smelled like sunshine and I remember how she could jump just as high as me and my cousins when we landed on it together.

Maybe these are future boom blankets.  I hope whomever ends up with them is blessed with warmth, comfort, and maybe just a lot of love.  :)        

Throwback Moodle Post: A Treatise on Friendship

At times, I get caught up in the titles that we give our friends.  Especially when it comes to the girlfriends.  I do not support…repeat DO NOT SUPPORT… calling your close friends your “bitches” or “hoes” or whatever.  If I call you as such then most likely I am one step away from asking you to step outside while I remove my earrings and prepare to bury you.  Friendship titles aren't that significant post 8th grade, but they continue to play games with people who are insecure..i.e. me.  I scroll through THE Facebook (aka the devil) and see friends throwing up posts about “my bestie” this and “my BFF” that.  Apparently you can have a different BFF every day while I have maybe 5 that I intend to try and keep for a while.  While there isn't an objective definition of what makes up a best friend, and the title doesn't really define the length, breadth, or depth of unconditional and at times sacrificial love and caring you can have for someone else I often take pause because I don’t have people out there posting about me being their “bestie” or “BFF.” I’m the ugly girl at the 8th grade dance holding up the wall with my 3” thick glasses for the 2^nd time in my life.  

Again, this is the danger of social media…comparing your reality with NOT reality.  

Once I wake up from my middle school dance I realize how entirely juvenile and self-centered such thoughts are.    I’m accusing these people of having a best friend “at me” rather than seeing it as a celebration of a great relationship between some folks.  Being someone’s best friend isn't about a sick title.  (Read as: I don't consider my best friends my "besties" because it's fun to say that word.)  It’s about constantly maintaining your focus on loving and serving the other person(s).  I also realize what a poor job I do of telling / showing my friends that I’m close to how much they mean to me, and rest assured that I'm a huge hypocrite because I very rarely, if ever, offer them any title of affirmation.  I have lots of friends but very few close friends and sometimes I delude myself into thinking that they know how I feel.  I do that with Michael Johnson all the time and he’s my boy BFFAEAE.  :) I think some of this spurs from being afraid to be vulnerable.  As one of my friends once said, “Being sentimental and intimate is scary.” So true and yet….

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I used to think that I was a pretty good friend.  Then I started drafting this blog and over several weeks I've been studying God's word in regards to what it means to be a friend.  There are some pretty amazing models of devoted friendship.  Granted we do not live in biblical times or the Middle East but the sentiments and behaviors for the most part are very applicable to where we are today.  Of course Christ is the ultimate model of a friend.   Jesus met, spoke to, and healed lots of people during His time on Earth, but He spent the majority of His time ministering to and serving 12 men whom He called His friends.  These men went on to become His apostles and they continued on after His ascension in one accord as they were called to do.  At one time I could not make heads or tails of Paul's letters to his companions and brethren in the churches, but now I'm beginning to comprehend how much deeper you can love people through the lens of Christ.  

I don't expect to live up to the examples but I know I'm called to love -- read as: love, forgive, cry with, hold on to, speak well of, encourage, provide for materially, etc. -- people as if unto Him and through Him.  Scripture makes it pretty clear how valuable and important it is to have good friends.  In Lendy’s world there may not be another "form" of relationship more important than friendship.  For those of us who are Believers, our Christian friends are members of our spiritual family and we are to love and care for them as such.  

“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.” 

 C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

An Ode to my Home Girl: Mother Nature

Each morning I wake up and wonder whether or not I need to wear short sleeves or 3 layers of clothing to get me through the day.  One minute the temperature is in the 60's and 2-3 days later there is 3 inches of snow on the ground. My coworkers and friends keep saying, "Well that's North Carolina weather for you." No..no it's not.  I've been here my entire life, (almost) 30 years, and I cannot remember a winter quite like this one.    

Mother Nature must be having a rough time.  All you ladies out there know how it can be when your hormones are either raging or non-existent... it ain't good.  Hot flashes...cold flashes...out lashes...Bless her heart.  Furthermore, bless Mother Nature's poor suitors, the weathermen, who desperately try to guess what her mood is going to be from one day to the next.  I wish we all had their type of job security where we could make a random guess, go with it, and then when it failed just crack a corny joke and move on.  Prime example right here....

I don't know about the rest of you but when Mother Nature ain't happy... I ain't happy neither.  I go from someone who enjoys being active and eating fairly healthy to a bottomless pit / sleepy ---> grouchy old bitty.  I was lamenting on Facebook the other day about lusting for gravy and not wanting to workout.  A friend replied, "We're all in the same boat, the gravy boat." It was pretty hilarious but so true.  Mother Nature has placed me (us) in the gravy boat.  Now when I actually feel like running or whenever I sit down for that matter I have a bulge similar to a fanny pack full of gravy hanging over my belt.  Hopefully my home girl is going to get her ish together soon so we can all trade our gravy boats for sporty kayaks....

Otherwise I'm going to need some new jeans... and some mashed potatoes. 

        

Throwback Moodle Post: Life Research: A Review of Heart Validity, Reliability, and Perceptions

Dust off your Masters thesis.  Pull out the research methodology books.  There are a few key terms that need to be mentioned here in the introduction of this blog:

Validity: The quality of being logical or factually sound.
----- Validation: To declare something valid or corroborate its soundness. -----

Reliability: Produces consistent and stable results.

Perception: Cognitive awareness of an attitude on a given subject or situation.

Several weeks ago, I asked a hard question that has lead into a heart quest.  The question was, "God, what are some attitudes / behaviors that I need to change that will bring me closer to You, help me love people better / well, and improve my attitude about my life?" This was a mixed methods study utilizing both qualitative and quantitative data.  There were two models represented in the framework of this study.  One was theoretical (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) and the other factual (the Truth).  I realize that may be subjective to some, but this is my study.  The results were a long weepy January with realizations that were at times difficult to swallow, but hey spiritual renewal is supposed to be tough yet rewarding! (Unlike the writing of the real thesis...)

Unconsciously I have been seeking validation from people and accomplishments.  Validation is a funny thing.  It's scary how our heart can give God thanks and praise out of one side and yet also desire worldly praise and acceptance from the other.  Even when praise and prizes have been abundant they haven't been enough to fill the huge perfectionist hole I've been digging for most of my life (approx. 1 zillion centimeters deep).   I have walls full of accomplishments that I resent at times because I don't believe who I am now measures up to who I was.  Zero reliability. In relationships where reciprocation and love languages are often are on varying levels, my need for validation is at its worst.  The love is deep and real from this end, but it's easy for me to convince myself that I'm not important to the other person (perception not reality), or there is some level of disappointment.  This has often resulted in the building of communication and emotional barrier(s) or (worse) termination of an important, wishfully long-term social experiment (aka relationships).  

Thank God for my little women's study group, truth filled revelations, and heartfelt confession / counsel that lead to the following CONCLUSIONS and a tried yet renewing heart:

1.  It does not matter how hard you work, how high the goals are, or how deep the love is; all of us fall desperately short of where we should be (Romans 3:23).  Hence why grace is so sweet and sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).    

2.  Justification and fulfillment are through faith in Jesus Christ alone (Acts 13:39, Romans 3:24).

3.  If validation comes from God then we are able to see people through the lens of Christ and can love them completely simply because we love them without expectation, resentment of the past, or fear of the future.  (1 John 4:11-21).

4.  Our work and accomplishments are not burdensome or consuming when done unto Him rather than to satisfy selfishly unrealistic expectations (Colossians 3:23-24).

5.  Rest is achievable.  ("Rest does not =not working with all our might.  Rest = working with faith that God goes before us/works through us." -- Louie Giglio)  

Applications: To be determined....

Johnson, L.  pHD.  School of Reformed Thugs and Hard Knocks.

Reflections on a bad day at Disney...

You may ask, "Who can have a bad day at Disney World??? The most magical place on Earth??" Apparently this girl can.  Here we are on vacation in a lovely resort (that cost me a small fortune) with family and 30,000 of our closest friends wearing some mouse ears and eating until we're miserable... how dare you Lendy complain with your mouth full???

How dare I indeed.  I guess I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed, stepped on my glass slipper, and Prince Charming forgot to bring me my coffee.  Needless to say I have had to drink lots of blood (from biting my tongue) and mutter lots of prayers to get me through this day here at the most magical place on Earth.  Truthfully, that has been the story of many of my days here lately even back in the forest.  Nothing is terribly wrong, but nothing is really going right either and I can't tell you how desperately I want this restlessness and general funkiness to go away.  This morning as I was praying my way through 50 screaming children standing in between me and coffee, THE still voice spoke and has continued to speak to me throughout the day about some items that pertained to very present circumstances but could be applied even when I get home.  For those of you who have had a rough start to the year, stepped on your glass slipper, or haven't found your Prince (or Princess) yet... I'll pray for you I'm still working at this myself.  Meanwhile here are a few reflections from my bad day at Disney that may help you through it or at least give you a laugh at my corny psychology on life. 

Just think to yourself....

1.  I should get excited / be thankful for the small stuff.  For me, after I made it through the screaming children I hoisted my coffee cup over my head like I held the Holy Grail.  Hoist your coffee (tea, drink, water, whatever) cup in the morning like the trophy that it is.  You made it through the night.   

2.  Whenever I am dreading something, I need to find something else that makes me smile.  As I was getting dressed, dreading walking for 1,000 miles today I noticed that I had pulled on my fave pair of socks.  They are red orange and match nothing in my wardrobe but they are fabulous.  YES ORANGE SOCKS!

3. There is something to be said for 'lameness.' Temporarily vacating your life always seems appealing when you're stuck in the daily grind.  Yet, I am beginning to understand what people mean when they say that they need a vacation after their vacation.  Constantly being on the go and no regular schedule for wake-up, meals, or going to bed.  My body rhythm is way, way off.  I'm looking forward to my regular  6am wake-up coffee / e-mail sessions with my Pookie.  I'm looking forward to boring chicken and rice, and peanut butter and banana sandwiches versus filet minon and fancy chicken.  I am a naturally spontaneous and flexible person but it is within the confines of normal surroundings and according to my (seemingly irregular) routine.          

4.  'Me time.' According to all the psychologist Lendy Johnson is an Extrovert (capital E) but with some introverted tendecies.  This means I draw energy from being around other people 99% of the time yet I also like to have a few moments to process and think through things ALONE.  This is usually accomplished during a run, in my car, or in my office.  Fellow extroverts, 'me time' is healthy.  I used to worry that I would lose my capital E status for actually looking forward to quiet time without being constantly watched, questioned, talked at, or picked on.  After this trip, I am convinced some personal time is necessary for the safety of others, even if it's just for 5-10 minutes.  Here at Disney you can't even go tinkle alone ya know? Anyway, you will not lose your capital E status.   

5.  Boundaries are good.  Throughout my vacation my work phone has rang and lots of e-mails have come in.  I knew this was going to happen.  Part of the problem is that we have a conference next weekend and there are still some loose ends to tie up.  The other part of the problem is I always choose to not turn my phone off and not ignore messages even during my "personal time."  I feel lots of responsibility toward my work and the people I work with.  I'm thankful for my job and the priveleges that go along with it.  I love the people I work for and work with.  I think of most of them as my friends.  But I've realized that for the past 2 years work has sortof become my life.  The running and training has helped but this constant connection to my e-mail and such must end.  These thoughts really began churning one night last week when one of my best friends was talking about not selling her soul to a job.  She wasn't talking about me or at me, but it really made me take pause.  I don't want to sell my soul to my job.  I hope everybody sees where my priorities truly lie.... Jesus, Others, & then myself.  I want to continue to enjoy my work and be thankful for it and it's becoming obvious that in order for that to happen there needs to be some re-prioritizing and balancing.  Some boundaries are healthy.              

I could ramble on and on about being convicted over things like materialism, etc but the summation of my thoughts for the day is....

It can always be so much worse / the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  And one bad day doesn't mean it's a bad life.  And I shouldn't complain with my mouth or my heart full.  I am grateful to be here.  I will be even more grateful if God grants me passage to the not so most magical place on Earth, yet most comfortable and close to my heart place... North Carolina.   

Fresh Ink

When I turned 16 years old I told my Mama I wanted a tattoo.  She proceeded to tell me <insert Caswell Co voice> "You come home with a tattoo and after I get the razor strap I'll scrub it off with Clorox."   At age 18, "Mama I'm going to get a tattoo.  You can't stop me now." Mama: "You get that tattoo and I will remove it with sandpaper."  Several years later after I was baptized I had a butterfly tattooed on my ankle.  Lots of people scoff when I tell them I got a tattoo AFTER I was baptized. Regardless I waited until after breakfast one morning and asked Mama what would happen if she found out I got a tattoo.  She promptly replied, "I'll never speak to you again." You can imagine at this point how upsetting the following conversation was.  But after lots of tears on both sides we determined that it would take a lot more than ink to break us two rednecks up.  She even admitted my butterfly was cute.  :) I know people have varying opinions about tattoos.  My hope is that folks won't judge me for my decision to have some.  My hope is that others will not find them offensive.  I won't remove them or apologize for having them, but I will cover them if they bother you.  I can uncover them when we're not together.  I'm supportive of the decision to live life with or without ink with no judgement.  

Here's the collection:

My butterfly tattoo was my very first.  :)
Got this one after I was baptized in Sept. 2009
to symbolize my changed life.

My second tat were my stars.  I
get the most compliments on these.
There is a star each for my Mama,
me, and my younger brother Phillip.
We went through a lot together
growing up.  My Mama has always
called me her "shining star." :)

This was my 3rd tattoo and maybe my fave...the love
tat.  I got this one with Michael Johnson in mind.
It's under my arm so whenever I hug someone I think
about the love.  

Last (and by last I mean my last) and one that no one has seen..until now.  The cross and anchor together were first used in  Christian catacombs to represent hope based on the belief in Jesus.  The heart was added later to represent love.  Faith (1 Peter 2:24), Hope (Hebrews 6:19-20), and Love (1 John 4:17-19).    

Throwback Moodle Post: Lendy's group response regarding the gospel.

I must confess that I haven’t been a model church goer these past few weeks… okay months.  With the rush of work, being a weekend road warrior, and at times just downright lazy… there has been more than one Sunday since September that I've spent outside of the church building.  My Monday Women’s Bible Study group hasn't met since before Thanksgiving.  I am really missing my regular reading, fellowshipping (is that a word?), worshiping routine these days.  Bible study will begin again week after next so I decided to commit time over the next week to review what was studied in the fall, catch up on a week of assignments I had missed, and prepare for the spring session of Acts.  I sat down today and cracked open my notes for the first time since November and it felt like what could best be described as relief.  One of the questions totally struck me.  I knew I was going to have to journal about it (yeah 2014 goals!!!!!) and then I also decided to write a little bloggy blog too.  I must also confess that often I don't choose what I write about.  Sometimes it's just laid on my heart that I need to / want to share.

 

The question: Share with your group how your life has been changed by the gospel.

Hello group. 

I sat there and stared at the words on the page for a good 10 minutes, my mind completely blank.  How does one put into words how their life has changed since they heard and believed the gospel of Jesus Christ? 

We live in a seminary town.  I have some seminary friends.  I attend a church with a large body of seminarians.  While I am not a seminarian, I am a part of and have bought into a community of believers that are all about the business of the gospel…sharing it, living it out to bring glory to God, and to serve as a witness for others to see.  At times I feel like a fledgling when it comes to sharing my testimony, or speaking on scripture and my feelings on evangelism.  I don’t have an amazing testimony complete with some dramatic conversion that featured bright lights, crazy winds, or a loud booming voice.  Nor have I traveled to far off locations and proclaimed Christ to lost nations or suffered physical persecution for His name.  No, my story began with a small whisper in my heart.  I then realized that in order to fully answer this question…How has your life been changed by the gospel…I would have to start at what it was like before I knew what the gospel was.

As a child, I associated the word gospel with True Gospel Baptist Church two miles up the road from our house.  People mentioned words like “Holy Ghost” when they referenced that church, so for a long time I thought, “gospel” may have something to do with a white sheet figure floating around.  Gospel also made me think of worn hardwood floors, the smell of books, and creaking chairs in my Sunday school classroom.  It was a word for adults that I couldn't really comprehend.  As I got older, I learned that gospel was a type of old school Christian music that my grandparents and parents liked to listen to on Saturday nights.  They sang along word for word because they had heard all of these songs growing up.  Meanwhile I mouthed along the best I could if we sang them on Sunday mornings.  The gospels were 4 books in my bible which I ONLY opened on Sunday IF we were allowed to attend church, and Christmas Eve as we read the story of Jesus’ birth.  Thank God He was born so we could get presents…geez.  These gospels talked about this Jesus, a man that was also God (I’m sorry what?), who died to cleanse my sins whatever they may be.  This distant figure was someone that I should be allegiant to, or prepare to burn in hell for eternity otherwise.  Regardless of the flawed theology, I felt a tug at my heart strings when I was 10 years old and prayed to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior one night after vacation bible school.  This Jesus was not scary and draped in a white sheet like the Holy Ghost.  :)

By the time I reached my preteen / teenage years I understood Jesus was the Son of God…how that came to be was a complete mystery but I accepted it as the truth because that was what I was supposed to believe.  What I learned about most during this time of my life was sin.  Impure thoughts, lusts, lies, gossip, covetousness, vanity, and selfishness.  I behaved as if I were in total control of my life and often became angry when things didn't go according to my plan.  I also did not want to face the consequences of my actions when I made mistakes or poor decisions.  Basically I was a typical teenager.  I remember telling lies and feeling my gut tie up in knots.  I remember how good it felt when I stroked my own ego about the way I looked or the things I possessed, and looked down on those that me or my friends thought were less.  I also remember sleepless nights where I couldn't help but think of how hurtful my actions were and how I wished I could take them all back.  I remember the weight of un-forgiveness I felt toward my daddy after my parents’ divorce and multiple others that I deeply cared about but cut out of my life because I felt like they slighted me.  Now I wish I could reverse those decisions, but since I cannot I am grateful for the lessons they taught me.    

I have always felt a desire to build intimate relationships with people around me.  At times it has been such an amazing blessing and at others it has felt like a burden.  Somewhere in early adulthood I realized that this was a gift from this Jesus and that I should be using it to do positive things rather than worrying about getting hurt or reciprocation.  After a failed engagement to a boy I thought I was in love with (key words: ‘I thought’), something clicked in me that maybe it was time to begin asking Jesus what He thought was best for me rather than me trying to go at it alone.  He has consequently walked me though my marriage, my first career, graduate school, a miscarriage, the death of dear family members, building new relationships, another new job, on and on even to this day.  He has shown me that He is present in the extraordinary and the mundane.  He continually teaches me how I need to pray, how to confront and turn away from negative behaviors, and serve others.  No, there is not a loud booming voice talking or instructing me.  It’s the still voice of the Holy Spirit (my fave Ghost), His truth (God’s Word), and the counsel of people He has placed into my life. 

He has shown me how to walk with Him and years later since He quietly whispered to me, I finally comprehend the breadth and depth of the gospel and the power of my Jesus.  How God saw my brokenness even at the beginning of time and sent Jesus, Whom selflessly died and bore the wrath of the Almighty in my stead, so that I could be reconciled to God and bring all glory and honor to Him.  All I have to do is confess my sins and believe on Him.  All this time He has pursued me (praise Him) in an effort to call me His.  And the same is true of everyone else regardless of where they are.  The gospel has given me a purpose, taught me about grace, and the true meaning of love and fulfillment.  Does that mean that things are perfect? That I’m perfect? Absolutely not.  It only confirms the fact that I’m human and in need of lots of grace.  

Again, I’m no great theologian.  I’m not even a decent storyteller.  How the gospel has changed Lendy Johnson isn't a fairy tale.  My story is more like a lab practical (hands-on), that’s still in progress, but will eventually have a sweet ending.

Is it fair for me to ask, how has the gospel changed your life? Has it changed your life at all?          

Lean, Mean, and Green in 14

Welcome 2014! Last night I was reading through posts on the internet about how 2013 was the best year ever.  So many of my friends graduated or got engaged.  There were weddings, and lots and lots of babies (most will be born in 2014).  There were some bright spots this year but honestly I was happy to shut the door on ’13 at 12am this morning.  I can’t say that I’m romantically optimistic about what 2014 may hold, but I do see it as an opportunity for growth and especially here at the start…renewal.  The events of 2013, as in previous years, haven’t beaten me down.  I’m just better “refined” and more grateful than ever for the blessings and the lessons.

As is tradition I post my 2014 bucket list for the world to see.  Last year I had like 30 goals.  This year I decided to narrow down my list a little and try to be more practical / specific. 

1. Spend time in God’s word daily.  Seek the truth. 

I read a lot of material, talk to lots of different people.  It’s so easy to get bogged down into the 50 shades of truth that the world would have us to believe and buy into.  2013 impressed upon me the importance of seeking out and responding to the truth which I believe is tied to studying God’s word. 

2.  Keep a journal / prayer journal.

3.  Tithe 10% every 2 weeks and contribute to the church debt retirement.

4.  Continue to make monthly contributions to savings and my 401k.

5.  Spend time in prayer daily giving thanks first and always remembering to pray for those that I commit to praying for.  

We talked about this in bible study all the time.  People share their battles and our empathetic hearts say, “I’ll pray for you.” Then you continue grocery shopping or whatever and forget.  This year I’m going to take notes if I have to in a conscious effort to lift up people that specifically request it.  There is no greater way to show love than praying for someone else’s needs. 

6.  Drink only 2 cups of coffee per day.

I love my coffee and I need caffeine but it’s slowly eating a hole in my stomach lining.  Do I think I can do just 2 cups? No…especially not at first but there needs to be some kind of limit. 

7.  Smile.

My smiling muscles are weak from lack of use.  I tend to look serious when really I’m not. 

8.  Keep my e-mail inbox at 25 messages or less.

Current count… 298.  :(

9.  Return voicemails (which I hate) within 24 hours.

Just text me.  I’m probably in a meeting.  Or hang up.  I’ll call you back.  Promise.

10.  Complete my monthly reconcile report by the end of each month.

There are few tasks in my job that I don’t enjoy or at least find tolerable.  Part of my work is looking over financial reports.  I review the reports and work with my liaisons on a regular basis.  I don’t mind reviewing the books… I like numbers… but I don’t enjoy filling out the monthly spreadsheet I have to turn in.  Don’t ask me why… it’s just me being whiney and lazy.

 

11.  Have ears to hear the needs of others.

12.  Be a Barnabas.

Barnabas literally means, “son of encouragement.” Barnabas was an encourager to the apostles and believers in the early church.  He was described as a man obedient to God, full of faith and the holy spirit.

13.  Workout at least 5 times a week.

I know that won’t always be the case but it’s good to have goals.  I haven't figured out my race goals for the year.  I want to do at least 2 1/2 marathons and some tri work.  Last year I planned out my race schedule in Jan. and it changed all year so we will see.

14.  Check Facebook and social media only once per day.

I’ve read a lot lately about the anxiety and self-esteem issues that come from checking Facebook frequently.  In my mind, I’m like yeah right but then I got to thinking about how sometimes I, consciously or not, compare myself to my friends and what they have going on in their lives.  There have been moments where I felt inadequate and that’s not healthy.  Time to cut that crap back.

15.  Wherever I am, be all there.

I’m always in 2 places…where I am physically and where I am mentally.  I do better when I have more than one process rolling at once but it does cost me some focus and therefore at times I trade quality for quantity.  Plus I need to spend less time wishing things were different and more time enjoying and being useful with what I have and where I am.    

16.  Pursue some type of continuing education opportunity.

I need constructive criticism and growth in all areas of my life all the time.  I’m sorta feeling like it may be time for an intellectual challenge.    

17.  Ask for and give forgiveness freely.

There is no time like the present.  Better to do it now before there isn't an opportunity.

18.  Have fun as much as possible.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.”

19.  Love even when it’s not returned. 

My senior year of high school my English teacher wrote a poem about our class.  We had been together for four years since there was only one honors English instructor in my high school.  In the poem he wrote a statement to each of us that began with the letter of our name.  The list is in alphabetical order so we knew whose statement belonged to whom.  He told us that the statement was either one of our strengths or a lesson that we needed to learn.  My statement:  “Love even when it’s not returned.” I have never figured out if this was my strength or a lesson so it’s been one of my goals for the past 11 years, and will continue to be for the rest of my days.  So much easier said than done at times.  

  

Whether you write goals, resolutions, or choose to let things come as they may… hope 2014 is blessed, productive, and positive for each of you!