The (struggle) bus driver....

Dear Mr. Struggle Bus Driver,

I bet you didn't wake up at the age of 10 and say, "Someday people are going to ride the struggle bus everyday, and I'm going to be the driver."

I bet when you were 10 years old the struggle bus didn't even exist.  But here we are.  Every day thousands of people supposedly stand in sad dejected lines waiting for you to pick them up.

Today, I'm one of them.

Don't you get angry your bus doesn't play fun mariachi music like an ice cream truck? That people don't run screaming after you wanting you to stop because you bring them sheer joy?  .... Oh wait, they do run up behind you because they're tired, they overslept, and are about to be late for work.

Bet you wish they would add some mirrors to this machine so folks would stop accusing you of backing up and running over them.  We need to call the company on that one.

This bus reminds me of a small town.  Everybody knows your name.  And you're like the local bar tender.  Someone steps up on that bottom step and you can see it in their face.  Loneliness.  Rejection from their peers or their latest crush.  Didn't get the promotion.  Lost their job.  Lost their dog.

Then there are the ones that sit behind your seat.  They're on the bus frequently.  Depressed.  A failed marriage.  A wayward child.  Dissatisfaction with their work.  Searching for a purpose.  Searching for meaning.

You never ask too many questions.  You never offer sage words of advice.  You simply listen as we cry on your shoulder and sniffle to our fellow riders about our problems and how we feel inadequate to fix them.

I feel sorry for us Mr. Driver and I feel sorry for you because whether we want to admit it or not, most of us are choosing to sit on this bus rather than try to fix the problem or change our circumstances.

I hope we will choose to change our hearts, our jobs, our schedules and whatever else that keeps us dragging to your stop.

In the kindest way possible, I hope you lose your job old compadre and become a margarita truck driver instead.    

Lendy

To the Baby Girls Part 2

Dear Baby Girls,

This letter is not addressed to your sisters from Panera Bread that I bumped into a few years ago.  I hope they have graduated on to bigger and better things including big girl jobs, big girl beds, and have traded out bathtub vodka for Pierre.  

I'm writing to the ones of you who are out there quietly trying to survive the grind without drowning yourself in some kind of indulgences -- i.e. boys, drugs, and drinks.  

I'd specifically like to speak to those of you who are hiding behind a wall.  A large, beautiful stone emotional wall.  

You don't put yourself out there so you frequently feel as if you go unnoticed.  You may or may not think you're beautiful, intelligent, creative, crafty, funny, or (fill-in-the-blank) ENOUGH to be noticed.  If you don't have those thoughts at least once a week we gonna need to talk because I think all normal women have that programmed in genetically.  

We love to look at one another and those flat girls in magazines.  We then compare our image of ourselves on our absolute fattest, dirtiest, I don't even want to put on a bra kind of days to those painted and primed girls who seem to always have it going on.  I'll say this, comparison is the thief of all joy sister.  

Yep.  

I bet if those phantom beauties could talk they would tell you they have days where they hate make-up, bras, and boys too.  I bet they have screamed in frustration when a paper towel roll unraveled in their kitchen or went into the pantry for some Cheez Its and the box was in there on the shelf...completely empty.  I'm not a betting women, but I'm willing to go a step further and say they probably have at least mentally ate a whole pint of ice cream on a bad day.  

Just saying.

We all have our finer moments screaming in the pantry.  You though.  You have these moments but feel like you shouldn't let it out.  You're in the midst of inner turmoils.  You're trying to figure out this tangled thing called life.  You're dealing with good and bad relationships with boys, girls, dogs, and anything else that holds the breath of life...including yourself.  You spend your days smiling and your nights crying.  Bless your heart baby girls.

You're scared to show others the underside of your armor.  You validate it by saying no one cares because you're not (fill-in-the-blank) ENOUGH anyway.  You think your interests, thoughts, and struggles are scary because they don't match up to this glittering perception in your mind of what they should be.  

For this one time, glitter is not your friend.  Don't follow the glittery signs.  The signs contain lying thoughts streaming over and over constantly leading you into deeper and deeper isolation.  All of the sudden you relinquish your power and they are stealing whatever joy, comfort, and security you feel in your natural talents and especially in blossoming relationships.  The anxiety, self-loathing, and fear cast you into so much darkness you can't see (believe) the subtle cardboard signs held by the people that love you that say you are ENOUGH.  

Take it from someone who recently knocked down the wall like it was the Berlin wall in the 80's.  Oh...you don't remember that.  Well how about from someone who knocked down the wall like Miley Cyrus did in "Wrecking Ball?" ..... 

You don't have to fight the fight behind your stone wall alone.  I'm sure inside that wall is a secret garden.  If God's the Gardner the flower beds and plants will not be perfectly laid out, but the colors are vivid just like your personality.  The air smells like fresh soil because the ground is being broken and you're a work in progress.  There are seeds being planted and fruit taking form.  Don't be afraid to  let the people the Lord sends into your life to help pick up a shovel or rake and help with the heavy lifting.

I'll bring the skid steer and some Cheez It's.    

Bless your heart sweet girls,

Lendy   

A note to an old friend...

To my dear friend,

I remember the first time I met you.  Someone introduced you to me in the girls' locker room in 9th grade.  I wasn't sure where our friendship would lead but I felt a strange sense of pride and comfort standing there with you.

Over the next 4-5 years, we spent a lot of time together.  We changed together physically and emotionally.  You were never too fashionable, but neither was I.  Each new version of ourselves was better than the last though.

I loathed carrying you around during the summer, but loved your warm embrace in the winter.

You shared many laughs with me and our mutual friends.  Most of my closest friends were close friends with you too.  I still keep in touch with them today.

You held me close during some of my most fearful times as a teenager.  You were the Superman "S" when I needed confidence to perform under pressure.  Today I still remember your gentle encouragement every time I give a speech, every time I'm handling live animals, each time I get the opportunity to work the earth, and even when I'm experiencing tearful public disappointments.

The day we parted ways was a sad day.  I knew things between us would never be the same even though I'm privileged to still see you around today.  I've watched you embrace many other little ones, some of which I deeply love too.  I see you nurturing, protecting, and training them in the way only you can do.  

With convention coming up I can't help but think about you.  May you never fade away old friend.

I'm forever yours.  Forever Blue.

(A letter to my FFA jacket)

An apology

Dear friend,

This letter isn't just a note to apologize for some egregious behavior.

It isn't a manifesto where I bash myself for doing something wrong that wasn't actually wrong.

It's not an attempt to be passive aggressive or melodramatic.

This letter is about being selfish and selfless all at once.

It's about expressing raw, real feelings.  We just love feelings, don't we?

It's dedicated to you and countless other individuals I may have hurt or caused discomfort along the way intentionally or not.

It's dedicated to people who for whatever reason still may be searching for the right words to apologize with.

It's dedicated to people who are too ignorant to know they're in the wrong and will never say they are sorry to their loved ones.  "Harsh words will hurt your feelings, but silence will break your heart."  C.S. Lewis

It's dedicated to people who never had (or were given) the opportunity to express heartfelt sorrow for their actions.

Since our last conversation and what I'm assuming was the end of our friendship, my emotional cup has been full of sticky anger, sharp hurt, but tonight it is overflowing with wet grief.  I'm grieving so bad I'm eating plain Greek yogurt.  We all know that being sad and eating soured sour cream is the worst.  I gotta tell you though, I'm enjoying these feelings.  I have repressed them for so so long.

I lost my  privilege with you sweet friend but it's not entirely your doing.  I contributed to this fractured relationship.  Up until I figured out how wonderful it is to let my guard down, I hid myself behind a fragile mask.  I'm sorry my fear of losing you and abandonment far outweighed loving you enough to show you all of who I am and serving you with a completely unselfish heart.  I owe you an apology for putting you on such a high pedestal and setting you up for a painful fall.  I was looking for affection and validation in the wrong places.  That was never your responsibility, and I have since asked to be forgiven and repented of my ways.  I hope you have forgiven me somewhere along the way.
  
Despite the grief, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that initiating the conversation that ended our friendship last year was one of the bravest and kindest things you could have done for me.  I know it wasn't easy but I needed to change and you were just being honest with me and yourself.  Looking into the intentions of our hearts and wishing they were different sucks.  What was meant for evil has been used for good though.  Since this happened I have walked with another friend who is going through a scarily similar situation and been able to offer encouragement and insight.  I am now careful to check my intentions with other people and I've gained a tremendous amount of confidence in just being Lendy without fear of loss.

I still miss you.  I often dream about you and wake up to pray for you.  Sometimes I wish things could be different.  Just know that I am a better person for having known you.  I enjoyed what time I had with you.  And I will pray for the Lord's hand to be with you all your days.

 
LJ

Afraid of the dark or embracing the dark?

Going for a midnight run in the neighborhood…alone… may not be one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made. I could make the argument that the current 1,000,000,000 (make me second guess global warming) heat index causes me to run either before dawn or way after dark. Either way you can judge me like we so often judge those young dumb girls in horror movies that willingly go sit in the woods or enter creepy, abandoned houses knowing something terrible could happen to them. Let’s pick my story up with… I was coming down the home stretch and about to cool down when I noticed the man kneeling at the corner. He just happened to catch my eye and then my breath caught in my chest. There was a stranger standing between me and the front door. Mikey had long since gone to bed, and there was a man standing on the corner near my house. No gun, no phone, no light… I intentionally slowed my walk and was mentally kicking this dude’s ass when….

I realized my man was nothing more than the shadow of the tot lot fence across the street. Everybody laugh. Silly Lendy… get your eyes checked. Better yet quit running at ungodly hours of the day and night. I mentally released a huge sigh of relief, second guessed my sanity, and went inside for the night. Maybe my brain was high on endorphins, maybe it was late and fatigue was getting the best of me, maybe there was a steady river of sweat and salt burning my retinas and temporarily blindness had occurred..I’m grasping for dignity over here.

I’ve spent most of the day processing what happened last night. I’m safe, my run was good, but there was a lesson to be learned and shared from my 2 minute mental vacation and it’s related to being afraid of the dark, and the people or beings who only came out in the night and lived under your bed and in your closet (monsters). They were out to get you. At the tender age of 13 I was still sleeping under my pink My Little Pony comforter surrounded by dusty stuffed animals because of the things hiding in the dark that were out for my blood, my secret diary, and any chocolate I may have stashed in my nightstand.

Boogieman, werewolf, Jason, Freddie, resurrected pets, ghosts, aliens, possessed children playing in the corn…the common theme I associated with these childhood nightmares and fears was darkness. Fences become men, coats on racks becoming ghosts, the dog walking on the floor is a large tarantula crawling toward my toes. Our eyes physically cannot adjust and see what’s surrounding us, and suddenly our mind begins to race with what’s possibly going on in the area we cannot be certain of. Is someone or something near me? Will it hurt me? What am I going to do? Your body physically responds with adrenaline…heavy breathing, sweat, and you’re prepared to do what it takes to get away to a place of physical and emotional safety… Mama and Daddy’s bed or in my case the arms of my husband.

Darkness has a way of distorting our perceptions of reality. During my (relieved yet slightly embarrassed) walk to the house it crossed my mind how funny it is that adults cease to believe in entities like Dracula or werewolves (unless you’re from Caswell County and you’re my mother) but we so quickly embrace figurative darkness in our lives. Figurative darkness aka evil and sin. Dracula is figuratively a soul sucking job or a bad relationship that eats up time and resources, both of which we could be afraid of losing for various reasons. The Blob is an extra roll over the top of your skinny jeans that literally overwhelms you enough to make you eat another cookie versus go workout. Our adult monsters involve fear of failure, shame, guilt, stress, feeling overwhelmed, loss, unresolved anger, passive behavior, grudges, grief, among other things.

Recently I discovered I had become comfortable allowing these monsters to live in the closet of my heart. I tell my boo frequently sometimes sin and fear feel comfortable versus facing the truth about our past, who we are, and who we’re around. We affectionately call it sitting in the cup de sac of stupidity.

Our hearts shouldn’t be closed up closets, and we shouldn’t embrace the dark entities in our hearts any more than a child would hug the Boogieman. When a kid is scared they will often call for or seek out help and security.

•  “…call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” Psalm 50:15 
•  “I call upon the name of the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Psalm 18:3 
•  “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their trouble.” Psalm 34:17 
•  “Call to Me and I will answer You, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” Jeremiah 33:3 (My granma’s fave verse) 
•  “And it shall come to pass that everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Acts 2:21 
• “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 
• “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 

Lights may be turned on to show what’s really going on in the dark.

•  Psalms 119:105 : Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.
• 

John 8:12 : Then spoke Jesus again to them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. 

• John 12:35 : Then Jesus said to them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness come on you: for he that walks in darkness knows not where he goes.


• James 1:17 : Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no fickleness, neither shadow of turning. 

• 1 Peter 2:9 : But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should show forth the praises of him who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; 

• 1 John 1:7: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleans us from all sin. 

When we bring what is dark into light, we feel safe and protected and we know the truth.

“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him.” Nahum 1:7 

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah” Psalm 62:5-8 

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints…” Ephesians 6:13-18

Moral of the story: Share Your burdens with the Lord and the people you love.   Refuse to embrace darkness.  And don't run outside around midnight unarmed.  

Letters from Lendy: Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers....

Dear Heritage Harris Teeter Shoppers,

Greetings from a fellow food officianato.  No, I do not own a house on your overpriced golf course.  I live in the "hick" town right up the road.  It's pronounced "Roseville" spelled "Rolesville." Why yes, even rednecks enjoy high quality steaks and specialty spices and not just natty light and beanie weenies.  Sorry I'm not dressed in jacks and I left my Louis V at home.  Adidas running shorts and camouflage crocks are just gonna have to do.  Yes, I am wearing my Raybans.  Inside.  While I'm shopping.  It's not bright in here.  I'm not planning to pull a gun and rob your precious store.  I'm just too lazy to take them off and put them away.  Stop staring.  Awkward.  

Little girl at the meat counter, your kids are just too cute.  I'm impressed how one is hanging from it's leg strap in the cart and the other one is licking every package of raw meat it can get its little hands on, but you've not a spilled a drop of your coffee.  Is that a non-fat, sugar free, double shot caramel latte? I can smell success from a mile away.  I can see it in your face that you're stressed and you're having a moment... just you and your latte.  But if you could just scooch your buggy over one foot we can both have a moment picking out what steaks we're going to grill tonight.  I might even pick your sticky kid up off the floor for you when he falls on his head.

If grocery isles were like roads, fellow shoppers, I would feel as if I were in India in a traffic jam.  Seriously? Move to the side and then look at what you need to rather than pulling your cart horizontal and blocking the whole path.  If there are 20 people on one isle, one or two more is one or two too much.  Why are you just standing there in front of the waffles texting when you see me standing here waiting politely for you to finish??!!! Y'all are giving me buggy rage.  

Granny... can I call you granny? There are approximately 27 boxes of fake yellow cake mix on this shelf.  There are so many boxes that some of them are dusty from how long they have been here.  While I am impressed at how you made eye contact and sprinted down the isle to grab the one I had my hand on... not necessary.

People of the teet, I love the free samples as much as the next person but let's be real.  When you go and open a pack of paper plates on isle 10 to fix yourself mini sandwiches from the free artisan bread, cheese, deli meat, and fruit samples... we have a problem.  Go home and fix you a meal.  (P.S. There are pieces of banana nut and blueberry muffin for dessert on isle 2.  Delicous.)

Little checkout dude, if I were 16 I'd totally crush on you.  Actually, I would be completely embarrassed at how unabashedly you are staring at every woman's rear end who is walking by your station rather than paying attention to what you're doing.  If you place my eggs and bread in with canned goods and they are crushed I will come back and hunt you down.  

I'm just gonna swing by the free wine samples on my way out.  Thanks.

Sincerely,

Hangry PMSing woman in the Raybans

Letters from Lendy, " Dear early 20-something version of myself..."

Dear early 20-something baby version of me,

Set that beer down and come over here for a few minutes.  This must seem so strange.  Like one of those Hallmark movies where people travel back in time to stop their younger selves from doing something incredibly stupid.  I'm writing you this knowing I can't change your mind.  You're young, independent, and full of yourself.  I just wanted to share some wisdom with you that I hope you remember in the next 10 years and we continue to apply in the following 40 years.  "You don't need my help." Ha! Of course you don't.  I'm happy to report that despite all of your foolishness, we have come out pretty durn good so far.  Can I just tell you how well you're going to age sister? Yeah you know when you're 30 and all ancient and stuff.  People are going to look at you and still call you a baby.  What's that? You're not a baby you say?  Oh honey... Sit back, sip your beverage, and read for a few minutes.  

Hate to tell you, but there will come a time when you'll turn down Bojangles for a strawberry spinach salad.  "The hell you say?" I'm not kidding.  In fact you're going to run, lift weights, and work out 6 days a week.  You're going to spend Sunday nights preparing meals for the week rather than stopping by Panera Bread.  You're even going to drink coffee black.  Stop laughing.  Sweet tea will become too sweet for you but don't fret you're still gonna drink a glass of wine or two every once in a while.  We both know how incredibly self-conscience we are about our weight.  We've been told our entire lives we have a genetic predisposition to be plain, thick and overweight.  That's just not true honey.  And even if that were the case, the hateful, hurtful things that were said to us about our physical appearance doesn't define who we really are.  We will spend the rest of our lives processing this, but I've been told it becomes easier to believe the truth in time.  Don't give up.  Processing is going to help us realize that someday (maybe on death's doorstep at age 45) we're going to do something to reach out to other girls like us.  We're going to help them believe they're lovely, and get healthy mentally and physically.  

Keep wondering about that guy Jesus.  I know He sometimes pops into your mind between all those important thoughts you have about yourself.  (Rolls eyes)  Ask questions about Him, talk out loud to Him, maybe crack open that bible Aunt Lisa bought us 10 years ago.  I'm regretting your lack of thoughts towards Him right now.  You will forever remember and love the way our old church smells like dusty books and freshly polished wood.  You will still cry when testimony is given or people talk about Jesus' sacrifice for you.  Stop denying you cry.  God forbid we have some feelings.  You'll realize those tears come from somewhere deeper than just empathy.  I'm not going to tell you where just yet.  God is teaching you how to be obedient and you don't even know it.  There are still many, many lessons to learn.  Right now you're still living like the prideful little brat you've always been.  Don't worry, you will look back in the not so distant future and see how He is pursuing you and protecting you from your bull-headed self.  It will take multiple wake-up calls, some intense emotional pain / loss, and finally a few blessings before you'll understand what I mean here.  Just trust me that our relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship we'll ever have.               

I'm going to regret saying this....Listen to your mother.  I'm cringing here 10+ years later.  I must say I STILL don't always listen to her but dang if she isn't right when it comes to knowing stuff about us and what's good for us.  You haven't stopped gritting your teeth when she claims she's right.  By the way, she thinks you're starving yourself and you're too skinny.  Some things don't change.  Not to get all philosophical, I think we all have to just go our own way and learn things on our terms.  We could save ourselves some wounds, healing time, and scars if we'd just listen when the people who love us and know us try to speak reason to us.  She may not always go about it in the best way, but someday you're going to realize she's only seemingly fussing at you because she loves you and the ache she feels when you hurt is just as intense.  Someday you'll wake up and start seeing your parents in the same light as you see yourself.  People.  People with feelings and unique personalities.  They are imperfect and they fail, but they deserve the same grace and consideration we think / hope we can obtain when we screw up.  Having said that, the "told you so tone" she uses is just as annoying in the future as it was ever.  Just tell her you're going to do what you want and then file away what she says to think about before you make any decisions.  Saves face, but watch out for that silent treatment though... it's rough.        

We're still learning how to trust and rely on others to support us emotionally.  Deep breath... we're sensitive.  I heard that scoff all the way here in the future....that's going to be a difficult realization for you around age 28-29.  Just wait.  We are not as strong and impenetrable as we think we are.  By building up our emotional walls we've been well protected these past 20 something years but we've denied ourselves some desperately needed counsel and affection from the wonderful friends and family we have around us.  The sooner we figure out how to balance our independence with quality dependence the better off we will be.

Oh and by the way, the fall off the judgement seat of our high and mighty horse is a long fall.  Your ego is gonna hurt after that one.  It's actually shattered some for the better.

Suffice to say when you graduate into your 30's you're going to realize how simple it is to dream dreams and set goals, but it's even more simple to make excuses as to why they cannot be accomplished.  You'll realize this after you fight with your personal trainer about meal preparation and giving up half & half in your coffee.  You're going to really admire and appreciate folks who dream big and then work to make it happen.  You're going to want to be a part of that even if failure is involved which isn't always comfortable for you.  We are growing.  

Your work wagon is loaded my love.  It's only going to get worse as you further your career, try other new things, and maybe give into the world's wishes and have some babies.  Now we're both laughing.  Don't let your priorities and creativity fall by the wayside because you become overwhelmed with the obligations of the daily grind.  Where there is a will, surely there is a way.  Yeah, now I'm sounding old and cliché.  There are a lot of other important little nuggets I wanted to share with you but this letter is getting long and it's getting extremely late.  I wanna wrap this up before you think it's okay to crack open another beer.  You may not love me right now, but you'll learn to in time.  If anyone else reads this letter they're going to realize how challenging the pronouns were.
"What are pronouns?"  Great question.

LJ